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Heart dropping when I miss a social cue

Matcha

Can anyone relate to this? I get so scared when I miss social cues, always more so than the actual 'scary' event itself. I was in a grievance meeting with my employer - something I probably should've been petrified about, but wasn't actually stressed about - and saw a bottle of water on the table and glasses of water. I completely missed the social cue that I was supposed to pour water and offer it to everyone, until my colleague who was with me in the meeting mentioned it to me afterwards by the by. 

My heart dropped and my heart rate probably shot up 50 beats. I was really scared that I'd missed the social cue. This is an almost daily occurrence for me, always when I miss a cue that involves other people my brain seems to think "I was supposed to do that? (confusion) - Someone will shout at me - I'm going to be punished" my brain just seems to stop in the moment I realise I've missed a cue.

Maybe I just can't tell which missed social cues don't matter, and which ones do matter/ will make people upset with me/have bad consequences?

  • I can relate to this a lot. I'm always cringing at myself imagining what others must think of me when I realise I've missed a social cue. I'm going to try to be more kind to myself about this now.

    Like Shardovan I really can't see the problem with the water. I've never heard of any specific protocols in meetings around water other than to have it available if you're the one setting up the meeting. I've had it pointed out before that it's available (not every time) and once or twice if I've been clearly nervous or upset then people have asked me if I'd like a glass of water but again, not every time. If you were the one giving evidence to the meeting or being interviewed then if anything, people should be doing it for you. 

    I hope your meeting went well anyway.

  • If I missed a heartbeat whenever I missed a social cue, I would have died from heart failure decades ago.

  • in reply to Matcha

    Ok from your second paragraph I’m now pretty much certain that your reading of the optional water set up was correct and your colleague was for some reason irrationally thinking it was your role to ‘be mother’ on the pouring front. It’s also possible that they were winding you up, which we aren’t always great at spotting. But it sounds more their problem than yours. 

    Maybe that’s reassured you on one event, though no doubt many other legitimate crossed wires have been objectively real enough! You have my sympathy and empathy there 

  • in reply to Shardovan

    This is so true... I always feel I try so hard to not miss cues, then I end up missing them anyway. Yet neurotypical people seem to be able to move on from missed cues like this really easily. 

    The water and glasses were in the centre of the table - I hadn't considered that. I just thought people would pour their own water if they were thirsty and if they didn't they musn't want water. 

    In the past when people pointed out missed social cues I would explain my exact thought process verbatim "I'm so sorry I thought people would pour their own water if they were thirsty and if they didn't they musn't want water" to try and stop people getting mad at me. Though it worked with some people, I've learned others get enraged when I do that. I'm not sure why. Nevertheless it backfired enough times for me to now only do profuse apologies... 

    I relate to the laughter, humour is really important in my family... If it's a social cue I miss often (e.g. not knowing where to stand in a queue) I can laugh at myself for it, but if it's a bigger gaffe I've made and everyone starts laughing I usually have no idea why everyone is laughing...

    And yes, the apologies... being afraid I've offended the person and then not being able to tell if they are still offended or not with me...

  • Hey Matcha. I wonder why your colleague thought it was your responsibility to administer the water rations. Was the bottle closest to you by chance? Even if so, I think that’s likely one of those collective responsibility scenarios. Your mind would have been understandably focussed on the issues being raised, and if someone was especially thirsty they could have spoken up with a ‘would someone mind…’

    However, in general terms I can 100% relate to this. That moment of realisation when then the moment has passed, and the desperate urge to be understood in uour mistrading or overlooking of something. The way I’ve often described my own situation in life is that I put five times as much effort and thought and worry into getting something wrong as others put into getting it effortlessly right. Sometimes it’s resulted in laughter (among family), other times mortification and doing the rounds with an apology. ‘If I’d thought in the moment that…’