Hi, it was my birthday 2 weeks ago. I turned 30. I feel awful. Just felt like a reminder that no one really seem to understands me.
I was diagnosed at 28, I feel like so much of my life was wasted. I’m trying to sort things out, I’m trying to be me and to stop masking, but honestly whenever I try it just seems to blow up in my face.
I got married last year and work a full time job. Right now I feel like I give everything I can to my wife and job and just seem to get zero in return. I try to express what I want, but it always asking too much, or makes people uncomfortable. People want to support me trying to be me, but when I actually try, I upset them. I just feel upset and angry all the time, and despite that I keep going and giving to other people. I just want someone to understand, someone to give back to me in a meaningful way.
My wife keeps saying she misses me, but does nothing to reach me, the expectation is me to do something about it. The expectation is always on me, I’m always at fault, I’m always the one who need to do the work. I try to express how I feel, but somehow I’m the one being unreasonable, or I’m not appreciating everything she does, or she feels she can’t express things as I take things so hard. It always becomes about her. It’s never about me, it feels. I get promised that we’ll spend time to focus on me, and what I want, but it never comes. I just feel constantly placated.
I hate my job, but trying to look for another one is so stressful.
My counsellor tells me that I need to take responsibility for my own happiness and stop letting other peoples emotional state affect me. I understand what he’s saying, but it doesn’t change the fact that I want someone to show me they care and understand who I am.
I’m honestly so close to just running away from everything, but I have no one to turn to who could help me. I’d just be stranded, alone, homeless.
I just want someone to get it, someone to understand. I just feel so alone right now.
