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Misunderstood and isolated

D

Hi, it was my birthday 2 weeks ago. I turned 30. I feel awful. Just felt like a reminder that no one really seem to understands me.  

I was diagnosed at 28, I feel like so much of my life was wasted. I’m trying to sort things out, I’m trying to be me and to stop masking,  but honestly whenever I try it just seems to blow up in my face.

I got married last year and work a full time job. Right now I feel like I give everything I can to my wife and job and just seem to get zero in return. I try to express what I want, but it always asking too much, or makes people uncomfortable. People want to support me trying to be me, but when I actually try, I upset them. I just feel upset and angry all the time, and despite that I keep going and giving to other people. I just want someone to understand, someone to give back to me in a meaningful way.

My wife keeps saying she misses me, but does nothing to reach me, the expectation is me to do something about it. The expectation is always on me, I’m always at fault, I’m always the one who need to do the work. I try to express how I feel, but somehow I’m the one being unreasonable, or I’m not appreciating everything she does, or she feels she can’t express things as I take things so hard. It always becomes about her. It’s never about me, it feels. I get promised that we’ll spend time to focus on me, and what I want, but it never comes. I just feel constantly placated.

I hate my job, but trying to look for another one is so stressful.

My counsellor tells me that I need to take responsibility for my own happiness and stop letting other peoples emotional state affect me. I understand what he’s saying, but it doesn’t change the fact that I want someone to show me they care and understand who I am.

I’m honestly so close to just running away from everything, but I have no one to turn to who could help me. I’d just be stranded, alone, homeless.

I just want someone to get it, someone to understand. I just feel so alone right now.

  • in reply to D

    Yes, I think it's very different, especially for someone who isn't diagnosed until they're an adult.

  • Hello @Daniel

    I'm sorry to hear that you have been feeling this way. You may like to have a look at the mental health section of our website which has useful links to information and advice about a range of mental health issues: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health  

    If you feel that you might need some support with your mental health, you can find advice and information on how to go about seeking help, including links to other resources and details of helplines and listening support services, here: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/seeking-help. 

    All the best,

    ChloeMod

  • in reply to RedDevil76

    Thanks for the response. I will take a look at though books you recommended.

    No one has had any training on how to help me, everyone kind of just relies on me to explain things. My wife is a primary school teacher who does specialise in SEND, but don’t think she has a great understanding of ASD when it comes to adults.

  • Hi Daniel,

    I've been through similar emotions. I recently started reading "Self-Compassion" by Kristin Neff, and that has really helped me to take responsibility for my own happiness. I also recommend "Nonviolent Communication" by Marshall Rosenberg. Neff references his work in her book, but I'd read him previously. It can help you communicate your feelings and needs to your wife. Once you start to accept that you're not to blame, like really accept that, you'll find more peace. A big part of it is realising that you're not responsible for other people's emotions. 

    I noticed someone else mentioned counselling for you both. I highly recommend that, too. My wife was reluctant, but it saved our marriage (that was wasn't related to autism though). However, you would need to get a different counsellor for that because yours is compromised by their relationship with you. It's much better to have someone neutral. 

    Have your family members and employers had training in how to help you? It sounds, although I might be wrong, that they don't understand your situation. Perhaps you could use that as way to get your wife into counselling. Just a thought.

  • in reply to MrsW

    Thanks for the response, it does help to hear from someone who has experience something similar.

    I have suggested counselling, but was told she didn’t think she had that much work to put in.

  • in reply to NAS85739

    Thanks, he’s usual really good as a counsellor, think it was just a bad session where I was communicating great about things. But I will look in to NLP, thanks.

  • your counsellor seems to not understand that its not other peoples emotional states, its your emotional state too and the counsellor doesnt seem to think you have emotions too that are in play.

  • in reply to NAS85739

    Oh, poor you.  It is SO hard.  My daughter, she was diagnosed apx 2 years ago, often thinks she's either been perfectly clear in her question/reply; when I still have no idea what she's on about. Or alternatively, the same happens in reverse.  We're both often told we're too blunt!  When actually, we're just saying what we think. After her diagnosis, we realized I too am (probably) autistic - who knew, not I.

    Take a few deep breaths and remember communication is a top-way road. Very, very few people can truly express what they want to say (diagnosed or not).  e.g. I can say I love you - to me that means I'd lay my life down for you in an instant and will always be thee for you.  To someone else it could mean I want to tie you to the bed and whip you.  

    I never felt either of my husbands loved me 'enough' or the way I wanted them to.  That applied to my parents too.  I needed so much more than they were able/capable of giving, but they did their best (I guess).

    Have you had a joint session with your wife and councilor? maybe that would help her understand your needs.

    Hope this has let you know there are lots of us out there who understand and care. 

  • D said:
    My counsellor tells me that I need to take responsibility for my own happiness and stop letting other peoples emotional state affect me. I understand what he’s saying, but it doesn’t change the fact that I want someone to show me they care and understand who I am.

    This is ridiculous! Obviously we all need to take responsibility for our own happiness. But if the counsellor seriously said " stop letting other peoples emotional state affect me" then this person should obviously tell you HOW! That kind of thing is exactly their job! My first suggestion would be learn some NLP - Neuro Linguistic Programming. There are mental routines that will help you no end in maintaining your emotional state. One of the things that helped me the most was the idea that when you feel bad after an interaction a 'game has been played'. A 'game' in this context is a way of communicating that has a payoff for the other person. And I for one understand exactly. I have spent a long lifetime running away in a strategic manner. I now live a solitary and generally very happy life! hth