• Replies 7 replies
  • Subscribers 84 subscribers
  • Views 901 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Believing people (and the consequences when inevitably they lie)

Alice-nice-Alice

One important thing I’ve appreciated as part of my diagnosis is the way I always believe people mean what the say. I suppose it’s an extension of the way we so often take things literally. So a couple of examples from the last few months …

I had my bath/shower room completely refitted in February to early March, it took two weeks and was very expensive, but excellent value for money and is a huge boost to my well-being. Anyway on completion there were a few de-bugs to do, I and they knew they would be and rectification is part of the contract, they came out to asses and then said, quite specifically, that they would ring me on Monday 13th to arrange a fix date., I put it carefully into my calendar. Well they didn’t call, I’m then both surprised and not. Surprised because I believed they meant what they said, but not because it happens so often. So the consequence is that I’m ruminating on why they lie? Was I a bad customer in some way? Was it because I’m a woman? Was it because of any number of self deprecating reasons? My logic circuits are saying “they were probably simply busy and forgot”, but still that doesn’t help as I go down the rabbit hole of why they forgot ME. 

Another example is the friends through my life who’ve said “I’ll always be there for you”, but when I am in crisis and message or call the boundaries are suddenly revealed and they aren’t. One example was during the pandemic, a dark lonely night, alone, struggling with trauma flashbacks, so I messaged a friend who had said this very thing and all I heard was daughter-partner-sorry. So I just disappeared into a bottle that dark night. 

I truly don’t get why people say things they don’t mean, why they lie, make promises which can’t be kept. I never do this, if I say I will do something I do it, I keep my promises. On the plus side my approach has contributed to having a strong relationship with my partner, I was very clear at the outset what I could and couldn’t bring to our relationship, have never made promises I can’t keep, and I initiated a boundaries discussion which has stood us in good stead on many levels. 

Thanks for listening 

Emma

  • in reply to Alice-nice-Alice

    I think we judge people on how we see ourselves. So we like to do what we say we will do and expect this from others. I have high expectations of myself but have learned others are not like this. This isnt necessarily a bad thing, they might be more balanced people. But everyone is each their own person. 

    It's still frustrating though!

  • in reply to Deleted User

    Thanks for replying, really appreciated. I agree with what you say about businesses once they have the money, it happens time and time again, with both big organisations and sole traders. I will persist but it winds me up that I have to. Like you I’m very precise and plan everything carefully, it makes dealing with the world very difficult as most don’t. I hesitated typing that as I almost said “NTs” but it’s way more complex than such a simple judgement. 

  • in reply to Joe

    Thanks Joe for your excellent reply, really appreciate it, and your promises strategy is spot on imo 

  • My experience is that once they have your money you are then low down on their list of priorities.  However you are a customer and they need to do the job properly. If it's any company worth their salt, they will think about their reputation.  Also my experience is that they are very very busy. Persist! It's probably nothing personal to you, but I do understand that logic + brain don't always match up.

    Your second paragraph rings true. It's incredibly frustrating when I think I've made plans but to the other person we were just chatting! I've now realised a lot of people are just so vague. I too have given my friends leeway, been there for them, but on the odd occasion have needed this reciprocating,  it's too much to ask. I've been told autistic people are either too much or not enough and its very true. I've realised this is why I've been with my partner so long...he is the most consistent person I know.

  • in reply to Shardovan

    Thank you for replying, it’s all such huge to get my/our head round, but I’m get to there and more hopeful than forever 

  • Hi Emma,

    I think a lot of times, people just say what they think you want to hear.  It's something I find difficult to navigate, I would rather people said what they mean or meant what they said.  

    Similarly, if I make a promise to do something, I have to keep it, even when I don't feel like it or it will stress me out. So at the moment I'm trying to make less promises and learning to say no.  

    I too am fortunate enough to have a partner, we've been together 17 years and now married. He was interviewed for my assessment and I think my favourite part of what he said was that I am affectionate, serious and to the point.  Life would be much easier in my view if people cut out the bs!

    Take care

  • I can relate to that sense of confusion and hurt massively. Especially in relation to your third paragraph. It’s too painful to go fully into at the moment but I’ll come back to it if and when I feel stronger.