Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello everybody. I’m still in this no man’s land awaiting the results of my assessment. I was seen on Feb 1st and my husband has been called in since then to complete a questionnaire on me. I’m not sure which one it was. What I really want to know is what does it look like to unmask? I know that this is one think that I will hope to be able to do when I get the results but what does that entail? I’m in my late 60’s and have built up this very respectable, quietly polite, ladylike demeanour……which becomes increasingly difficult to sustain. I struggle to think of conversations to have with people. What do I have to do to make changes? Thank you.
I’m glad to hear that you are more at ease. Thank you for giving me the opportunity of meaningful conversation!
So many of us, have had to put up with being atypical in a-typical world, being less than one-in-twenty of the population (so I hear). The good thing about being diagnosed, is that you can allow yourself to meet and be part of a group that is nearly 100% relatable to you, save for your lived experiences and your interests.
Try not to apply perfection to your doubts as well, as a lifetime of automatic thoughts (safety behaviour) can negatively influence your ability to positively-associate with good-tidings. It can be tough to embrace new developments, but I have found my autism journey to be the good kind of tough, I have found it to be a journey worth taking.
There are plenty of resources and support networks/groups, in which one of the teaching profession, would provide great insight and interest. In the support group that I am to attend, I am told that the age range is from 25-to-80 years old, so things are getting better for the community all the time. I have found that, though I have trouble socialising with neurotypical individuals, I have less trouble socialising with the neurodiverse. Like an Anthropologist on Mars, might have less skill socialising with Martians than his own species, perhaps you may find you have a better quality of social interaction with a people cut from the same cloth.
I hope that to get what seems right for you to get Gilly, we’re all rooting for you!
Oh some of these comments just make me want to cry…. so very thoughtful are they. Thank you.
I’m so worried people wouldn’t like the real me though. I’ve spent a lifetime being such a perfect person, or rather my interpretation of one. As one of you has also said….. an unmasked me wouldn’t have been able to hold down my teaching job, so for a long time it served a purpose. But at what cost? ( I’m now retired….I couldn’t cope). I now have poor social skills and find my life is grinding to a halt. I’m hoping that once I have a solid diagnosis I will make myself move forward. Again my thanks.
Well you don’t really have to do anything, that’s what masking is for, unmasking is letting go of your seeming-projection. The point of being comfortable without a mask is that, you don’t have to waste half of your energy playing a character, you just get to be a character.
To mask: is resistance, is anxiety, is depression, is projection-of-perfection; so that you do not have to trial, excel and enjoy-the-journey.
Masking is a dead-god Gilly, there’s no life in it, you deserve to live your best life. You don’t deserve to have to worry whether you are thought ‘defective’ or ‘weird’ by those of no more understanding that you.
To unmask is to have closure from the expectations of the Neurotypical world, if it seems right to you to be respectable then be respectable, but one the advantages of getting older is realising that everyone has there own tragedy to be thinking about.
Don’t change Gilly, let go, you deserve it..:)
look at video for an example of unmasking https://youtu.be/SlQZLK8M4uE?t=88 ... more seriously though. Think about the things which most excite and fascinate you and then imagine you didn't have to care that the world doesn't care and expects you to care more about 'real life' than the things that fascinate you ... that's what unmaskings like.
I think at our ages, im 53, it is pretty much impossible to unmask. I have no realy idea what autistic me is but given half a chance he would not be holding down a job and having a normal looking life like I do. I have learn to push myself less, give my self more me time and expect less in general.
take care.
As I don't disclose, I shall pretty much carry on masking.
But at least I now know what I'm doing and why.
Ben
These are the most useful resources I have found on the subject of masking and unmasking.
https://theautisticadvocate.com/autistic-masking/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wFCaoFX-pjg&t=2486s
Unmasking is not as easy it it first appears, especially for those of us diagnosed later in life. The more you understand about masking the more you realise that many of the behaviours stem from an early age and have become automatic and unconscious.
What you can do is start to avoid the conscious masking that you are aware of. For example not putting yourself in those situations where you feel forced to have conversations with others. Not wasting a lot of energy and mental effort trying to think of something to say just for the sake of it. If you have nothing to say then don't feel you have to say anything at all. I can relate to that a lot.
I was diagnosed at 60 and the concept of unmasking is something I find quite hard to grasp.
I find it very difficult in any case when you have lived so many decades without the awareness of autism, to be able to tell the wood from the trees ie what is just 'you' and what is specifically autistic so equally, what is a 'mask' with relation to autism.
The changes I have effected since I have received my diagnosis may to a degree come under the umbrella of ‘unmasking’, but I’m not sure.
So, the diagnosis/awareness gave me a context for my life's experience and my present likes/dislikes/sensitivities/vulnerabilities.
I was then able to use that knowledge going forward and put any life decisions I make, large or small, into the context of my autism.
Very specifically, for me, this has involved saying ‘no’ more often to doing social things I’m not really very keen on doing after a lifetime of saying ‘yes’ to please other people.