What does ‘unmasking’ look like?

I got my diagnosis through Psychistry UK using Right to Choose. From the referral to diagnosis was less than 6 months in my case. As this_is_phil says, you can use this process for all kinds of providers, but the link below is to Psychiatry UK’s page on the subject:

psychiatry-uk.com/.../

I don't know the exact process, but you can request that the NHS forward your referral to a private clinic as long as they provide services for the NHS somewhere in the UK. Kind got forwarded to The Owl Centre after a 2 year wait on the NHS and following that was completed within about 3 months. (It's referred to as the right to choose and actually applies to all mental health related services).

To me the concept of 'masking' is not all that useful, It creates the idea that the mysterious process of 'unmasking' will produce magical results in wellbeing. Virtually all people modify their behaviour depending on their social setting - camouflaging. For each modification in behaviour there is a trade off between the behaviour having positive social benefits and it doing psychological harm. If you are doing something when in a social group, which is unnatural to yourself, but it does no harm, there is no benefit from stopping. If it is making you feel hugely uncomfortable and leading to social exhaustion or heightened stress, then exploring the consequences of dropping it might be worthwhile.

I don't know if it is 'unmasking', but since my diagnosis I no longer feel any guilt at not attending many of my wife's large family get-togethers. I didn't attend many before, but now I don't do so guilt-free.

Absolutely get what you re saying here. I am not interested in exchanges about politics or religion. Too many people beating their drum so loud it is as though they think they have the only version of the "truth". In my experience some of the quieter, more reticent voices are the ones worth listening to. Sue 

Absolutely appreciate the feelings of vulnerability. The diagnosis itself can be very helpful for some in making sense of their challenges. In the meantime, I would suggest learning as much as you can about Autism. You will see lots of stories on this site of rejection and hurt and pain which can be quite scary. Some individuals seem to have a very positive view of their Autism for others it is a very negative label.

I posted earlier, some of the things I really appreciate about my daughter..........you will discover some amazing strengths of your own. 

Happy to keep posting, Sue 

This is helpful to me, although I struggle to imagine people finding my conversation interesting.

I would like to offer stronger opinions, but against this, I am conflict-averse and would rather keep my own counsel than get into fights about politics or religion -- less draining.

Sue….thank you so much. Feeling rather vulnerable at the moment in this in between time. 

Hello, my daughter and I definitely went through a grieving process. We are still building a picture of "what next" knowing that a happy and fulfilling life will look different for her than others. I don't know your personal circumstances but I would say show the same compassion for yourself as you must have given to your students. 

Let it be OK for you to not be OK...... any feelings you experience (negative or positive) are valid. 

Wishing you all the best, Sue

Thank you so much for replying. I’m just hoping I’ll hear about the results of my assessment soon. I’m not quite sure of what to make of myself at the moment. 
I’m pleased your daughter heard whilst still in her 20’s. Still so much life ahead. Time to adapt. 
I’m not quite sure how I’m going to respond when I get my results. I think I may grieve what ‘could have been’ particularly regarding my teaching career. 
I don’t want to be negative though so I’m hoping to build on the me nowadays. 

Hello Gilly Knitter, I have a recently diagnosed daughter who is 26 years old.  The people she meets invariably say that she is a confident, polite and sociable woman.  We have talked a lot about "masking", which she thinks she has been doing from about 8 years old. She is still working on "unmasking" and her journey began at home and with her 2 closest friends. Like you, she has fears about people liking the real her. I am not saying that this has been easy. One thing that has really helped is to talk about those fears. We have made it clear to her that any changes in her behaviour do not alter that fact that she is a creative, empathetic and very sensitive person who we love and admire. 

If it helps, the sort of changes I have noticed include: 

- She often answers requests with shorter responses

- She can latch on to a subject and not want to let it go

- She often asks me if "I am OK" - checking that she has not offended or that I am being honest

- She needs her alone time and will call out "I'm in my room" - meaning she needs alone time

- She expresses stronger opinions about a variety of things and can be quite emphatic 

- She also challenges us more - tells us when she is not happy with something

A lot of the above you could describe as her finding her simply expressing her assertive side. 

To the above I would also say:

- She generates some really interesting conversations

- She has an exciting way of expressing herself when on her subject

- She is so observant of our reactions and really helps us to be more honest

- She has a very fresh, different view of things which is very stimulating

- She is so generous in sharing her knowledge 

- She shows such a strong sense of principles - which makes me very proud and want to be a better person

- Her less frequent smiling (common masking behaviour) is now so sparkly and genuine, lighting up her whole face

Yes there have been moments of hurt and misunderstandings but when these happen we talk them through either at the time or later when things cool down. . 

When it comes to wider social interactions, a certain amount of masking can be wise (which can be exhausting). We have also agreed that she tells me when she has "had enough" and she might wait outside the supermarket or in the car, or we cut our trip short. 

The people who really care about you won't want you to carry on "walking on eggshells" and wearing yourself out. You are more than enough for them; and if too much for others, they are not worth the effort. 

I hope this has been helpful............just my experience as a Mum, Sue

diagnosed at 62, and i'm 67 now.  i've found quite a bit of spectrum behaviors i do, but was totally unaware of their existence previously.. also, at my age, it's hard to separate from old age weirdness.  but quite a bit actually, seems to be autism related, and not dementia.  so memory issues, repetitive speaking, super opionated jerkness, rocking, avoiding eye contact, being really really solitary, reclusive, and isolated. i lived with people when i was younger, but they were always room mates. i've lived alone, basically, for 30 years.  

it's been a rocky road. hope yours goes better. 

now, i self disclose, because i feel - hey, rather than people think i'm a jerk,  i should just self disclose, and then do my best to not go too far off the rails i figure self disclosing is best, because , hey, they'll see it anyway. it's hard to hide. i figure everyone else sees what i am often unaware of.

i'm pretty interested now  in trying to conserve my energy by 'unmasking.'  i guess masking may result in autistic burnout, or fatigue, etc.

hi there, please don't let the potential waiting times put you off. What some people are finding is that the NHS is paying private diagnosticians to help with the waiting list backlog so it might not take as long as you think.  I was told a 6 year wait and then was offered a private firm working in partnership with NHS and my referral, pre screen and   assessment were completed in under 3 months for free.  try it you never know you might be lucky.

I'm 51 and undiagnosed as yet bit my AQ50 is coming out consistently at 36.  I feel as though I need a diagnosis quickly as this is wearing me out and I think if I'm diagnosed it will.help understand stand things aot clearer. Adult diagnosis in our postcode is 2 year +.  I'm thinking of going and having a private diagnosis.  Any difference being privately diagnosed Vs NHS diagnosis does anyone think. 

I'm 51 and undiagnosed as yet bit my AQ50 is coming out consistently at 36.  I feel as though I need a diagnosis quickly as this is wearing me out and I think if I'm diagnosed it will.help understand stand things aot clearer. Adult diagnosis in our postcode is 2 year +.  I'm thinking of going and having a private diagnosis.  Any difference being privately diagnosed Vs NHS diagnosis does anyone think. 

I was diagnosed in October, at 32. I'm really struggling with this question as well, particularly as lately I've found social interaction incredibly exhausting which resulted in my burning out in the run up to Christmas. I know that I can confidently point to two or three things that I've actively learnt to do to appear more "normal", but I don't know how to undo any of it and to become more comfortable with who I am.

depends what you look like under the mask lol

I struggle with this too. I'm nearly forty and was diagnosed two years ago today and I've probably been masking for most of my life, certainly as long as I can remember. I've spoken about it a lot recently in therapy and elsewhere. A friend said I should try to imagine how I would behave on an island with just my wife (the only person I truly unmask with), but I find that hard to imagine too. I suppose I see myself feeling more comfortable to make jokes and to join in conversation. I have things to say (serious and humorous), at least when the conversation isn't just small talk, but I rarely have the confidence to say them. But that might be social anxiety as much as masking, and issues with understanding the flow of a conversation and when and how to enter it (I was in a group the other day where I wanted to say things, but every time I tried to speak, someone else got in first).

I don't secretly wanting to be blunt or rude to people and I don't really have many stims or other things that people might want to unmask, so I can't comment on those.

I do also feel that some masking is part of the human condition. Unless we know someone whose interests are identical to ours, we're going to talk about some things and not others. I talk about Judaism with Jewish friends, Doctor Who with fan friends and autism here; those people wouldn't necessarily understand what I'm talking about in the other contexts. That's not necessarily a bad thing unless it goes to extremes.

For me, I couldn't tell you beyond a sort of nebulous: doing/saying anything that feels comfortable and effortless in social situations or when otherwise under observation.

Reason being I recently recieved some unexpected observations from some family members I hadn't seen in nigh 25 years that caused me to re-evaluate what areas I was and wasn't actually masking.

I, too, was diagnosed in my late 60's.

I sometimes wonder if something is masking or if it is something that I've done for so long that it's become part of how I relate to the world.

I've been doing a lot of 'deep work' on my self. Being entirely honest with myself about who I want to be in different situations and have realised that I only need to mask if I might cause offence or upset someone else, otherwise I can always be myself I have just always needed to have a thicker skin to the reactions of people.

The Buddhists refer to it as 'none-reactivity'. And it is important to be repeatedly practiced.

Not easy to achieve, but it's now more important to my 'self' to be authentic than it is to fit in.

In situations I might normally mask, when I calmly stick to my true self, I always leave that situation feeling warm and I think that feeling is pride in myself. So this is the only way #theobstacleistheway