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Emotions and Feelings... Can you relearn them?

Cece

Hi.

I have recently learnt that I am autistic and I have been struggling with that information.. very much!

Not going through the full chaos going through my analytical brain but just one query I would appreciate your help in steering me to resolve.

So although I have only recently learnt of my autism (age 34), I have obviously had it all my life and I have also been camouflaging... Quite effectively in fact.

I think that the veil only started to thin over the last year or two around the time when (really very unsure if that was a cause or another symptom of something else .. but besides the point) I have had some relationship (married to another possible autistic and with kids) and emotional troubles that I simply couldn't handle very well.

People started (I really don't know why or how... I didn't know I changed anything in my behaviour and I have certainly always made an effort to separate my personal and professional lives) noticing that I am "cold", like a "robot", a "machine" alongside various jokes or "serious concerns" about the fact that I might be on the spectrum and/or suffer from mental health issues, etc. So suffice to say that I am not happy with the fact that the face I have been wearing all my life is simply torn now.

So I have quite the dilemma because upon reassessing my life, I have noted that I have been subconsciously camouflaging so effectively that I am unclear to which of the feelings or emotions that I had were true vs those I imitated to fit in or if I can simply even feel anything or just incapable of doing so.

So I am at a loss to where I stand with all that simply because I don't actually think I genuinely know what those feelings or emotions are meant to be in reality (for me) or for the world to keep my camouflage going for longer while I get to grips with life and how to live it with this new perspective.

So for those who can camouflage, any tips on how to get my skills back (or why I suddenly lost it!) for the short term peace of mind?

And for those who learnt how to identify their real emotions vs the other daily noise, any tips on how I can identify the truth in mine?

P.S. this is my first post, I am really struggling with simply accepting myself. Camouflaging effectively will help buy me the time I need to process all this and move on, so please don't tell me that I shouldn't do it and to be proud, be myself etc etc.

Thank you 

Parents

  • Hello Cece,

    Well, your first post is a hum dinger isn't it !  You have stuck the tail on the donkey right in its *cough, cough* !

    I think you have raised the two MOST important challenges for someone in your position.  I was wrangling through these kind of questions half a decade ago when I knew that "something" was "messed up" about me, but I had no clue that this would turn out to be a "simple" matter of autism !  For the sake of disambiguation, I think these two key questions are;

    Cece said:

    So for those who can camouflage, any tips on how to get my skills back (or why I suddenly lost it!) for the short term peace of mind?

    And for those who learnt how to identify their real emotions vs the other daily noise, any tips on how I can identify the truth in mine?

    I would love to tell you that I have a list of simple tips and one or more of them will work for you - but I can't - and I actually don't think any such list exists for people like me (and by the sounds of it, you too.)

    I actually think there is only one reliable thing that will bring you clarity and closure on these issues.....and that is time.  It takes time Cece.  Sorry - but that is my honest experience and belief.

    So now, we reach the REAL key question in my opinion - "so how the hell am I going to stay sane for the "time" it takes to work things out and get comfortable with my newly understood being?"  It takes, resilience, fortitude and stamina (in my experience and belief.)

    In summary - my advice is to try and keep yourself as happy and centred as possible whilst your almighty and glorious brain does the gazillions of assessments, considerations and permutations that it will need to report back to you on this matter.  You'll make mistakes (I made LOADS) and it is lonely and difficult.........but now I am sorta coming out the other side, I can tell you that "calm" is the new sensation that pervades my head at last.

    Welcome to this place.  Stick around and see if you like it here - but above all, stay sane and don't take yourself for granted.

    Very best wishes

    Number.

  • in reply to Deleted User

    Time is a double edged sword for someone with my head... It gets way darker and scarier before I can see the light of day... I just don't want to lose the life I worked hard for, in the process of working through my "identity crisis"..

    I hate how "personal" this journey is meant to be, because I would rather learn from others and skip afew painful years... wouldn't everyone!?

  • in reply to Cece

    I know.  You are right on all points from my perspective.  Accordingly, for four and a half decades, I just "powered through" to keep all the plates spinning.  I had always done it - why should I start staring inside my own head ?!

    Well, unfortunately, I now know that I am not indestructible - there came a point where I simply had to face it and do the hard work myself.  Flipping heck, it is hard !  I wasn't always sure I would make it out the other side and I was reasonably sure, that at time, I was a certifiable nut job too !

    Anyhow, I'm just telling you what my perspectives are on these, most weighty of issues, that you have raised.

Reply
  • in reply to Cece

    I know.  You are right on all points from my perspective.  Accordingly, for four and a half decades, I just "powered through" to keep all the plates spinning.  I had always done it - why should I start staring inside my own head ?!

    Well, unfortunately, I now know that I am not indestructible - there came a point where I simply had to face it and do the hard work myself.  Flipping heck, it is hard !  I wasn't always sure I would make it out the other side and I was reasonably sure, that at time, I was a certifiable nut job too !

    Anyhow, I'm just telling you what my perspectives are on these, most weighty of issues, that you have raised.

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