Silence

I do shopping in short bursts (visit just one store each time) on my way to or from the library, always in the middle of the day on a weekday. I wear ear defenders. My other strategy is to drop into a charity shop or two on my way home from the park. They have less stuff to choose from but also a less unpleasant environment.

Silence is imperative to me! I need it daily due to my job. When I get home I need to sit in complete silence to collect and filter my thoughts. I already have too much “noise” going on in my head so the hour on my own straight after work helps me recoup. 

You sound like a very wise human.

It's true. It's also pretty much how I feel about any form of shopping: do I wear the same clothes to work every week? Yes. Is it worth going shopping to buy alternatives? Not even a little bit.

I was very pleased to discover the perfect time to go to the big supermarket/shopping centre last week, it's Friday after lunch. Hardly any people at all, with my headphones on, I managed to get in and out quickly and without engaging anyone except the cashiers. It felt like a wonderful victory.

I live in this wonderful world where I (mostly) hate the shopping experience, but would never trust anyone else to choose my purchases lol

I think it's not so much that life happens but the way in which we respond. I have lived without heating for far too long simply because the organisation required to get anyone in to fix my boiler is beyond me. 

I suspect a non autistic person would just make a few calls, get someone in, chat to the engineer while it is being fixed and problem solved. For an autistic person there are so many barriers to overcome that it is far easier to just live without heating.

How kind!  

What a lovely thing to say, thank you

(The hug is a symbol of feeling accepted, not unsolicited physical contact)

You are me, only without the people-annoying bits.  

I also grew up in a noisy house, but it affected me in the opposite way. I need overstimulation, silence forces me to hear the noise in my head, and I can't concentrate - I flit from thought or activity to thought or activity at a ridiculous pace. When I have solitary work, I almost always go to a familiar bar or café and set up shop there. I need the loud music and interruptions to focus. I'm not sure what that says about me lol

Steven said:

all the stability and consistency and organisation of a puppy

I can't tell you how much I relate to this. It's like being on a seesaw alone: always one extreme or the other, balance is unthinkably impossible.

Do you find that the things that happen in your life often reflect this feeling?

An example would be: about 18 months ago, the ceiling collapsed in one of the flats in my building (I was renting) and we were all evicted, given 24 hours to collect our things and hand over our key After (some very stressful) months of being homeless and living in the spare rooms of friends, I found a gem of a place that I was lucky enough to be in the position to buy. Then, upon moving in, I discovered that the boiler, which I had been promised was in working order, was broken. My first months in my wonderful new flat were spent with neither heating nor furniture (my furniture budget was spent on a new boiler). Sleeping on the floor in the cold was not the dream

This is just one example of the rollercoaster of my life; my friends joke that my life sounds like an anecdote that happened to someone else and that life happens to all people but all of life happens to me. Am I alone in this?

Noise that I have no control over makes me very distressed. I have tinnitus in my left ear from spending a couple of minutes (just long enough to gather my stuff and leave) at a loud concert five years ago so I don't get silence any more. When I need to sleep or focus, I usually play some kind of sound, often ambient or soft piano music, to give my brain something to focus on rather than listening out for other noises or tuning into the ringing. I put my playlist on max volume, put the speaker close to my head, but then wear earplugs and/or defenders for background noise blocking. It's probably good I live alone or that might be annoying for another person. When I'm out and about I use blutooth earphones as my sound producing layer between moldable silicone plugs and overhead ear defenders.

Maybe strangely I quite like no noise but from the front room to hear the clock ticking in the kitchen, I can focus on it. At night I like the low sound of the tram nearby and sometimes awake at night I try not to get up until I hear the first tram. I find something reassuring that life is still happening outside. 

I'm alright now. Well, at this particular moment. Sadly, this is how I am: all the stability and consistency and organisation of a puppy.

Disnep said:

Keep your chin up, I hope it starts to go the other way soon. Mine can worsen and then some days be really gentle, yours might suddenly be gentler over night.

Agreed.  I think it is there all the time but I am often (and thankfully) too active to notice because of the masses of other stimuli pouring in through my very large funnel !  It only really bothers me when I am craving silence....and for context to that statement, I built myself a full metal jacket padded cell where I spend much of my time!  Thank you for your well wishes.

I'm so sorry to hear that. Stress is a big trigger for tinnitus - really sorry for you. If you need to chat you can always hit me up. I think it was my GP who told me tinnitus can worsen for some people over time, I think she said that once.  

Keep your chin up, I hope it starts to go the other way soon. Mine can worsen and then some days be really gentle, yours might suddenly be gentler over night.

I look forward to our next encounter. 

One of the worst is "on hold" music. Goes right through me, makes me shudder uncontrollably. It's not autism friendly.

Luftmentsch said:

I hate the omnipresent public music too, and, increasingly, video screens. Why?

Yes, I loathe those too.

I remember lying awake at night as a child listening to the clock in my room ticking. It seemed very loud, although it probably wasn't.

I hate the omnipresent public music too, and, increasingly, video screens. Why? Including at the doctor's surgery now, one place where you would think many people would want some quiet. Although the TV at the surgery seems to show adverts, so that's probably a money-making device.

Thank you all for your replies.

What an interesting read.

Definitely autism related then.

Even when people play music, it tends to be to counteract other sounds.

or a clock ticking in the other room.

When I was young all clocks were wind up.

I remember as a child putting my bedside clock under a pillow on the floor.

All these little' tells' I now have a context for from when I was a child.

Shardovan said:

I think often it's volume, more than sound itself, that really drains me.

Yes, me too.

I went into the toilet of a garden centre recently and they were playing loud music in there.

I mean, WTF!  Why does music need to be in every public place?

Shardovan said:

Sound that I can't control is the biggest challenge. 

Yes, control is the key.

Roy said:

I think what we find with age is that we can make our lives quite liveable, we just need to set the rules and not be told what they think we need to do

That's a nice, positive viewpoint.

Number said:

Tinnitus seems to have stolen my silence.

I'm very sorry to read that.

I have only suffered from it as a side effect of antidepressant withdrawal, and it's very distracting.

Homebird said:

Also we had new neighbours 6 months ago and they have changed heating system, rewired, added an extra toilet, new kitchen, removed some ceilings etc. so there have been a lot of sudden drilling noises and as he works during the day, when he is there it can go on until 9.

Ugh.  Poor you 

Robert124 said:

I am at peace with complete silence and a good book.

My idea of Heaven.

Autonomistic said:

The place where you live sounds idyllic. My dream is a detached country cottage with the only sounds being from nature 

It isn't idyllic but it's as good as I think I'm going to achieve in my lifetime, and I feel blessed.

I live in a cul-de-sac with a park at one end and at the other end, a pub on one corner, a Tesco Express on the other.

So, a busy road.  Close houses.  But still, much better than I've experienced in the past and I know from reading this forum, better than some people are living with now.

Your dream would be mine too.  Bliss (although I think as you grow older a general store nearby is invaluable).

Disnep said:

But now, I've got my own house, my silence that I can escape in when the going gets tough.

Bliss peaceful tranquility.

Nice.  I'm glad you have that now.

Well, I am pretty stressed to high leaven at the moment - so you can guess what it's like.....not good!  But over the past six months I've been more chill than I have been all my life = thats what confuses me about it.

I had my "breakdown" / "mega burnout" in 2015-16 so not the same underlying instigative cause I guess.

I look forward to stumbling into you again soon.  Have a lovely Friday.