As an autistic adult most of the time this doesn't matter much to me but truthfully I think it matters to me at least a little bit most of the time. Most of the time I am alone. Even when in groups I speak and interact with the others only a little bit and most of that little bit will be to say only what I think is essential or necessary.
What can upset my is envy for neurotypical people. They get into relationships and find friends. The way they interact with each other is cute and funny. It seems to me that teasing and playing and having fun and being fun are crucial to how neurotypical people make friends. I do sometimes think .little of it, as fun seems so childish, but clearly being childish is part of having fun and of course whether it is childish or not fun is still fun.
This hit me last night: I went to a nightclub after work. I can relax in nightclubs and perhaps unlike most people who go to nightclubs I am at my happiest when I am alone and at my most uncomfortable when people try to talk to me. I do try to be friendly but I can see how others lose interest in my when I start talking to them. I know they will and I know what I will say will not be interesting to them but it is also my best attempt at trying to be friendly too. But I wondered: Who is really happy in that situation? Is it them or me? Maybe we are all happy or all unhappy. Whose happiness or enjoyment is real?
Sometimes I sit and watch neurotypical people in conversation. I can watch their facial expressions and body language but I find it hard to understand what subjects they are discussing or what information they are sharing or why they are talking to each other or what they really get from it. I really think I just don't understand conversation at all. I don't understand why other people do it and I don't think I have ever in my life known how to have a conversation or even really had one. Not ever.
Much of the time though however much I try to content myself with my own company I really do feel an absence of fun in my life and I know I also spend a lot of time trying to find a way to feel happier than I do on a long term basis and I never have. I sometimes watch neurotypical people, as I was at the nightclub, while they are dancing wondering "Who is really happy, them or me?". Are they sometimes only joining in because they think they should do or because they think that is what others want them to do?
I hardly ever get invited to staff parties. It does happen but my last job I had to leave because I so much didn't feel like part of the group I couldn't cope with the sense of being left to one side any more so I left. The others would go to staff parties together and post photographs to the group while I sat at home wondering whether I should add a smile or heart react or if they don't care or if they are only doing this because they want me to know I am not part of their group? Are they trying to get back at me for some wrong I don't even know I have committed?
It is a strange mixed feeling of wanting to be invited but also being glad I am not because of how awkward I would feel. More than once after I have been invited I have left the main group to be more completely alone really because I find it easier to be alone than trying to stay in a group while not understanding what to do in that group. In groups I will usually only sit there silently while they talk to each other and because I can sit quietly without talking without needing to be in a group I do often just slip away without announcing I am going really because it is very hard to explain I am leaving if I haven't said anything for 30 minutes.
Social isolation makes work unrewarding for me because at work I do endless manual tasks and have little social interaction so of course I prefer to be out of work because while alone my time isn't wholly occupied by lots of tedious manual tasks which are helping other people but not me.
If I was wealthy enough I would probably spend almost all of my time alone. What is also true though I would spend a lot of that time alone wondering about other people and how to make friends. I would wonder how to enjoy myself and play the sort of social games neurotypical call "fun" which I don't know how to play and seem never to learn.
I think it's perception. I think sociable neurotypical people notice the social cues and they know how to react to them in ways which please other neurotypical people. It may be something they got a start in when they were infants and observed their own parents having fun with their friends.
The only advice I can give myself is my greatest satisfaction is achieved by the principle of (as the adage says) "just be yourself". I seem to be at my happiest when I am just doing what I want to. Sometimes even neurotypical people seem to warm to me more when I allow myself to be more autistic in their presence. A woman once watched me carefully unfold a screwed up sheet of tin foil without tearing it so it was perfectly flat. She told me she enjoyed watching me do it because she could see how absorbed and satisfied I was. A woman came over to talk to me in the nightclub last night and although she seemed nice I didn't (as usual) want to talk to her. It isn't hostility. She turned out to be very nice and she was nice to me. I just don't like talking in person and do I not know what to say when I do want to talk. So instead of talking to her I just did what I wanted to do which was to just look at her and she seemed to like it. She asked for my number and called me when she was leaving. I didn't go, of course. Instead I just sent her some messages which I hope she liked. Those messages explained I wouldn't go home with her. After sending them I then deleted her number to block me from sending her autistic messages afterwards which she would find puzzling and not know how to respond to. I really broke off contact for both of our sakes and I still suspect her friendliness may have been explained by being under the influence of MDMA although I have no proof that is true except for the fact I really gave her no reason to warm to me so much.
What do you think about it? You who is reading this message now. What do you think of making friends, especially with neurotypical people, or having fun, or being alone? What do you think when you look at other people who are friends? Do you experience envy, or sorrow, or loneliness? Do you have any answers or tips for those of us who do?
