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Hello

Luci

Hello, I am an autistic parent with two autistic children. 
 I would like some advice on how to handle this. 
my oldest son is very sensory avoidant as am I. My younger son on the other hand is very sensory seeking. I’ve ordered a few things and found a few things that help. But the screaming tantrums that happen *** me down. So hard. I can’t talk, I can’t be touched. It’s not fair for him to not get the attention he is needing and I do try to put my sensory issues on the back burner but I simply cannot handle it as an all time thing. He is four. He’s very lovable. I just need some advice on how to handle both sides of this I’m guessing. 

  • in reply to Luci

    that in and of it self might be part of the solution. Him spending more time with them. but depending on his work it might be hard to organise.

  • in reply to Peter

    Thank you for clarifying. And to answer both questions. I deal with a lot of sarcasm in my personal life. Text is harder to read for it. And next he does but is not home often. 

  • in reply to Luci

    Hello Luci.  I like to learn from others too and although I can't help you with your query, I am a bit intrigued by your response to Peter.  What makes you question whether he is being sarcastic?  I ask this because I cannot see why you may think that of his comment.  I would be grateful if you could help me understand (and I'm sure Peter would be interested too.)

    For the avoidance of doubt, I am neither being sarcastic nor intending harm nor upset to you in anyway by asking the above, I am just genuinely hoping to understand and learn from knowing.  Many of us struggle with communicating our intentions and motives and we find it helpful to explain things between ourselves.

    Thanks for your time with this and I hope you and your little ones find increasing happiness and contentment together.

    Kind regards, Number.

  • in reply to Peter

    I honestly cannot tell if this is sarcasm or not. 

  • in reply to JuniperFromGallifrey

    I do body doubling a lot with him and thank you so much. I was just able to see all of these replies. I do lots of hugs. But I also have four children so for me it’s a lot and I don’t want to get frustrated with it. It’s not their fault. I have body sock that he enjoys for the most part but he’s still very touchy and he just wants the attention I’m not able to always give. Thank you for your suggestions. I will try them out! He’s just always climbing. I have to have several locks on my door because he just wonders. I don’t blame him in the least bit. I would do the same if my brain would consider it. Lol. 

  • For the most part, young children are far more simple than we give them credit for - in my opinion. There are innate human needs and then there are wants. 

    Most children will want for little to nothing if their needs are being met, unless they have trauma. Human needs like affection, and connexion are vital to existence. Toys and chocolate are not. I practiced never refusing my son his needs nor holding them ransom, like many NT parents will do when they confuse 'attention' for 'connexion'. 

    We need approval, acceptance and to not feel isolated. My grandmother had taught me if you meet your sons needs immediately, he won't need to demand them. There was only one time my son was having a moment in the shop. I abandoned the trolley, took him to the car and just sat with him until he was better. That never happened again. When he needed me if I was on the phone, I'd pause my conversation and ask if he would wait for a specific amount of time - I gave him a sort of agency in the matter, and unless he needed the loo, he would agree to wait. I'd always follow through, and this created the trust I needed from him. 

    In this case, I found that always having an open connexion and at least affirming his needs immediately, made everything much easier. One is bothered less, especially if you're like me and an extreme introvert. Four is an age where they're a little more reasonable. If he needs hugs and touching is hard, can you compromise? Give him something to focus on near you like a "Body Double". Perhaps the couch is a place he's allowed to be next to you and cuddled in pillows. 

    If he's extra-sensory, I might suggest getting 100% marino wool/silk base layers. It's hard to explain how the biology responds to these natural fibres, but it feels like a daily cuddle. :)

  • Hi Luci,

    Following on from Geeky's reply, you might find the following page on our website useful:

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour - this page has links to help with various challenging behaviours.

    If you are interested in seeking some professional support you can search for professionals in your area we are aware of on the Autism Services Directory: 

    https://www.autism.org.uk/directory 

     You might also like to take a look at The Challenging Behaviour Foundation website for further information and advice: 

     https://www.challengingbehaviour.org.uk.  They also have an information and support service which you can contact by phone or email – details can be found here: https://www.challengingbehaviour.org.uk/for-family-carers/family-support-service/ .

    I hope that helps.

    Regards, Kerri-Mod

  • What about his father? Does he not do hugs?

  • *Shut down. Not sure why my phone autocorrected that.