• Replies 8 replies
  • Subscribers 83 subscribers
  • Views 1246 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

NT in relationship with ND

NAS84778

My boyfriend has two autistic siblings, as well as a nephew who is ND, and exhibits signs of being ND himself. These include:

  • finding it hard to understand what others are thinking or feeling
    He "gets it" logically but can often show indifference and lack of interest to an emotional response whilst telling me "your feelings are valid, but this doesn't bother me". An example of this would be when in a long distance relationship a trip we had planned became impossible. I was upset and frustrated because I really wanted to see him, after explaining this to him he said "I am not worried, we'll see each other another time"

  • getting very anxious about social situations
    He has no interest in going out unless to a specific event. His job forces him to socialise on occasion but he will find a room to hide in. 

  • finding it hard to make friends or preferring to be on your own
    He does have acquaintances, but he prefers to be on his own. He'll often tell me "you're my only person"

  • seeming blunt, rude or not interested in others without meaning to
    Very often he comes across as aloof or dismissive but has no idea that this is the case and gets upset if it's pointed out to him.

  • finding it hard to say how you feel
    He will often tell me "I simply do not have the words to express how I feel"
  • Touch
    He is affectionate and physical contact and sex are not a problem for him. However, when hugging - and he often initiates this - half way through a movie I will see that he wants my hands on his arm, or chest, or stomach, but he'll be holding them in place - not strongly or in a weird way, just gently restricting me and ensuring the touch is one he likes.

He has never mentioned a diagnosis to me, and doesn't like dwelling on the subject of his siblings or their diagnosis. The reason I want to ask him is I think I will be able to educate myself better and be able to overcome the trials that we occasionally encounter.

I want to ask him but as he has never raised it before - and very personal things health related, childhood related, etc, things he has told me about, so I am nervous to raise it. It not an issue for me if he is ND, it would not turn me off him, or change our relationship, if anything, the knowledge would improve our relationship, I would be able to be more compassionate and understanding to things that crop up. I am not upset that he's held this back, we all have things we're scared about sharing - my only question is, can I raise it with him? Should I raise it with him? And if so, how?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. 

  • in reply to NAS84778

    Sorry it took me so long to reply to you, been very busy. I don't have any specific books about Autism but I do have an amazing book by Barry Neil Kaufman titled Happiness Is A Choice. You can get it on Amazon--

    https://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Choice-Barry-Neil-Kaufman/dp/0449907996

    ABOUT HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE

    "Barry very explicity reveals the options and choices we can all make to find the road to happiness."
    BERNIE SIEGEL, M.D.
    Author of LOVE, MEDICINE AND MIRACLES
    Barry Neil Kaufman, therapist, author, motivational speaker, and founder of the Option Institute shows you how you can use the traits of happy people to change your life quickly, and easily. His shortcuts to happiness include: making happiness the priority; accepting your personal authenticity, the freedom to be yourself; learning to discard regrets about the past and worries about the future, and so much more.

    This book changed my life when I read it in 1998!

    Here is more info on Barry and the work they have done helping people with ASD and their families! Amazing work and I volunteered there for 12 weeks and experienced so much that helped me greatly!

    Barry Neil Kaufman

    BARRY NEIL KAUFMAN is the author of twelve books on The Option Process® and The Son-Rise Program®, including the best-selling Happiness Is A Choice, a blueprint of simple, concrete methods to empower the decision to be happy. He also wrote the iconic Son-Rise: The Miracle Continues, as well as To Love Is To Be Happy With, Giant Steps, PowerDialogues, A Miracle to Believe In, A Sacred Dying, FutureSight and Out-Smarting Your Karma. Mr. Kaufman’s books are available in 22 languages, in over 60 countries. He has twice won the Christopher Award for his writing. He has also won the Humanitas Prize, along with his wife, Samahria Lyte Kaufman, for their screenplay of the award winning NBC-TV movie, Son-Rise: A Miracle of Love.

    Mr. Kaufman, along with his wife, is the co-founder, co-director and co-creator of The Option Institute® International Learning & Training Center in Sheffield, Massachusetts, a nonprofit educational organization and worldwide teaching center for The Option Process. The Institute offers empowering personal growth E-Learning Training Courses and counseling services for individuals, couples, families and groups, using life-changing experiential learning techniques designed to greatly improve areas of self-empowerment, relationships, career, health… and all aspects of quality of life.

    The Kaufmans are also the originators of The Son-Rise Program®, which is taught at the Autism Treatment Center of AmericaTm, a division of the Option Institute®. The Son-Rise Program methodology evolved when their son, Raun, was diagnosed with having a severe and incurable case of Autism. Refusing to give up on their son’s future, Bears and Samahria worked with Raun for over 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, for more than three years, resulting in his full recovery from Autism. Raun went on to graduate from an Ivy League university and to become the director of an educational center for school-aged children. Later, Raun was the Director of Global Education and the CEO of The Option Institute for a period of time. Son-Rise: The Miracle Continues, the story of the Kaufmans’ work with Raun, became a bestselling book and the award-winning NBC TV movie based on this book was viewed worldwide.

    The Autism Treatment Center of America also offers E-Learning Training Courses in The Son-Rise Program methodology for parents, professionals and caregivers of children and adults on the autism spectrum and with other developmental challenges, as well as consultation and counselling sessions. The Son-Rise Program was awarded “Best Autism Therapy” at The National AutismOne Conference. Over the past 40 years, more than 45,000 individuals, families and children from over 140 different countries have attended programs presented by The Option Institute and The Autism treatment Center of America.

    In addition to raising their three biological children, they chose to adopt three more children from circumstances of trauma, as a way to express their gratitude for what they had learned in their journey with Raun. One of their adopted sons had been seriously malnourished, resulting in physiological, motor and other challenges. Bears and Samahria worked with him and he thrived, demonstrating a keen mind and a wonderful ability to learn. Another son, whose mother had died and who had his throat slit by his birth father, found support, guidance and love in the expanding Kaufman family. Their adoption of an eleven-year-old girl from El Salvador, also a trauma survivor, completed their immediate family. The Kaufmans have passed this tradition on to their own children, some of who have adopted children from similar situations, further expanding their multi-racial, multi-cultural family.

    Hope this helps!

    Chris

  • in reply to NAS84778
    NAS84778 said:
    do you have any advice on how I can express to him in a way that will be perfectly clear that there is absolutely no issue to me, and I coming to this knowledge, we can create an even more loving accepting a beautiful relationship?

    If he is Autistic then the chances are that he will appreciate and understand a direct approach, clearly spelled out and with your unconditional support on the results of any test.

    We tend to deal very well with facts and logic, so try to lay out the request in these terms. If there is a clear benefit then he should be up for it, but if you phrase it in terms of "wouldn't you feel better about knowing, it would be good for you etc" then these will have less of an impact as this is the part of his mind that he isn't really in touch with much.

    With one of the siblings being high functioning then try to arrange a get together and take the time to ask the sibling about the Autism, how they found out etc - take an interest and say you knew someone who was autistic and they mentioned it ran in families.

    Then use this to ask if everyone has been tested and ask your boyfriend too - gague his reaction and if it is very defensive then you know not to push further at the time.

    Maybe use some time later when it is quiet and you are close to ask about his defensive reaction (if that was what happened of course) and ask why he said thing that way. "No judgement but just trying to understand you" sort of talk should be the safest. Also "I would love you whatever the result" is going to make him feel least cornered, but use your own judgement.

    Well that's what you get for asking LOL - but please tread carefully if you want to try this.

    Good luck, and be fully prepared to back off and let it be if needed.

  • in reply to Iain

    Thanks so much for getting back to me. I really like your approach and the ideas that you have.

    do you have any advice on how I can express to him in a way that will be perfectly clear that there is absolutely no issue to me, and I coming to this knowledge, we can create an even more loving accepting a beautiful relationship?

  • in reply to Peter

    This is very helpful advice, thank you. I appreciate it. One of your siblings is very high functioning and the other displays less NT behavior. Both are adorable. Beautiful people feel comfortable speaking with them so thank you for giving me this idea.

  • in reply to Christine

    Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. I found everything that you have to say very inspiring.

    The interesting thing is in Se open myself up to this possibility and begin to learn about autism. I already find myself much more compassionate towards his needs and reactions to things prior to my current understanding. I will get offended over things which I now say as his way, which is never right now wrong, it’s just him and that’s perfect for me, I know that he loves me and it has me all the time, he’s very thoughtful gift and wants to spend all his time with me. Now that I can see that there is another level to his personality mind and being. I love hI’m even more.

    Are there any books that you can recommend to me, which might help me to understand autism on a deeper level and how I can communicate with my beloved in a way that will benefit him and me?

  • A very nice post and I can totally understand your questions and appreciate that you asked for advice. Being able to accept each other and your "quirks" (we all have them NT or ND :) is Love! Having honest talks with each other-without judging- is so important. It's what brings you closer and helps you live together and understand one another. My husband and I are both ND (as well as some of the other acronyms--OCD; ADD; ADHD) and have been happily married for 14 years. But "happy" to us just means "accepting" "whatever is" about each other and the moment. And being able to ask for the support we need from each other while trying to accomodate each others needs. We believe happiness is a choice, and may not look like how society views "happiness". Sometimes I have a meltdown and he shuts down and we have to hash it out at some point. But we always come back to "I love you" and move on. It would be quite funny to watch a video of our interactions at any point in the day! LOL

  • Depends on his siblings. If they are low functioning or have caused him or the family a lot of stress maybe he has built up an identity of being the 'normal' one in the family? If so you'll need to lead with how you understand autism has a lot of different form and he is still very different from his siblings.

  • You say he has autistic siblings, and Autism often runs in families (a quick search online will give a wide range of references for this) so you have a reasonable justification to ask if he has ever been tested before.

    Maybe start the conversation in the presence of one of the siblings and say you hear it runs in the family gene pool - then ask if they know anyone else who has it (they will probably like your interest) and if anyone else has been tested.

    In the event your boyfriend takes offence with you prying into what can be a stigmatising condition then you can say you were just taking time with his sibings and getting to know the family better.

    Reasons for taking offence can be him not wanting to be labelled as disabled / Autistic, wanting to be seen as better than his siblings or just wanting to keep appearing the same as NTs so he fits in.

    If he hasn't tested then you can ask if he had thought of the benefits - and here you need to have thought through how to make a convincing case for doing it.

    That would be my approach, and I would also make sure to do something he loves (bake a cake, cook lunch or have given some special "service" earlier to make him more pliable.