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Who said autistics can't have friends? But it's often blooming hard work.

Deleted User

I met two friends today. They are good friends I've known a long time and we used to hang around together but past several years they haven't stayed in touch together and I see them individually.  When with these friends, one in particular,  I find it hard to know what to say and respond. He probably doesn't know this. I get on really well with both of them but it's hard work on my brain.

Today meeting together with both, it was like back in the olden times where I'd just feel like a spare part. I sit there while the two speak. I'm really quiet and don't know when to come in then when I do either am not heard or come in at the wrong time. This is the first time I've seen them together knowing I'm autistic. They know I am. If I see them inidivuslly it's fine and the fact I've stayed in touch so long means there must be friendship there. But it's like this unspoken fluidity happens between them which doesn't happen when it's just me. This isnt accounting for the fsct they were having a catch up as it salways been like this.             

I've been conscious of these sorts of dynamics all my life with many many people.

On the one hand, 1:1 is easier but everything is up to me. On the other hand a group of 3 means the onus isn't always on me but I feel a bit excluded. They aren't being horrible, and I'm still seen as part of the group as I sit there listening and I'm happy to sit there in silence, I've just always been conscious of this. It was actually nice to see more than one person at once but the over analysis has started. I don't see it as social anxiety as I'm not worried what they think of me because they are my friends. I also don't think they notice any "difference" but the feeling from me is most definitely there.

Does anyone get me? In essence, I love my friends but it's hard work. However I understand myself more now. But there's still feeling elements of frustration, unspecified unease and analysis. 

Parents

  • Not many people understand just how much work goes into a social event, even one between friends. I often enjoy get togethers with certain friends, but am always exhausted afterwards. I always then drift into over analysis and play the various scenarios back in order to ‘evaluate my performance’. I don’t mean to make it sound so robotic, but really it is important to me to know that I got it ‘right’ at least some of the time. 

    Apologies for not giving much in the way of advice, but I just wanted to chime in with the few words I have available at the moment to say that I get you with this. I can relate entirely. It’s good you asked your friend directly too (if I’ve understood that correctly). Openness is the best policy I am learning. At least, with the people we trust anyway.

  • in reply to Oakling

    Is analysis automatic for you? It is for me.

    Yes its like a lot of unregocnised work goes into socialising! Ive come to understand,  a strong need for things to be "right" and I think that's what of the analysis is. It doesnt come from worry though or it doesn't feel like it. I think it's just wanting a sense of knowing it's all ok. It's a paradox really. We have a strong need to know if a situation is "ok" but don't intuitively know this.

    I wasn't after advice really! Just sounding off wondering if other people felt like this.

  • in reply to Deleted User
    Unknown said:
    Is analysis automatic for you?

    Very much so. Before I’ve even realised, I’m fully in the throes of it. I think I get what you mean about it not coming from a place of worry, for me it is perhaps more due to uncertainty rather than worry. A small distinction, I know, but they are different enough motivators as far as I’m concerned. 

    Unknown said:
    Just sounding off wondering if other people felt like this.

    Well, I know I certainly do! I’ve even reached a stage recently where, due to energy levels, I’m having to arrange time for socialising rather than allowing impromptu meet ups etc. it’s been much kinder on my energy reserves in my opinion.

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  • in reply to Deleted User
    Unknown said:
    Is analysis automatic for you?

    Very much so. Before I’ve even realised, I’m fully in the throes of it. I think I get what you mean about it not coming from a place of worry, for me it is perhaps more due to uncertainty rather than worry. A small distinction, I know, but they are different enough motivators as far as I’m concerned. 

    Unknown said:
    Just sounding off wondering if other people felt like this.

    Well, I know I certainly do! I’ve even reached a stage recently where, due to energy levels, I’m having to arrange time for socialising rather than allowing impromptu meet ups etc. it’s been much kinder on my energy reserves in my opinion.

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