I met two friends today. They are good friends I've known a long time and we used to hang around together but past several years they haven't stayed in touch together and I see them individually. When with these friends, one in particular, I find it hard to know what to say and respond. He probably doesn't know this. I get on really well with both of them but it's hard work on my brain.
Today meeting together with both, it was like back in the olden times where I'd just feel like a spare part. I sit there while the two speak. I'm really quiet and don't know when to come in then when I do either am not heard or come in at the wrong time. This is the first time I've seen them together knowing I'm autistic. They know I am. If I see them inidivuslly it's fine and the fact I've stayed in touch so long means there must be friendship there. But it's like this unspoken fluidity happens between them which doesn't happen when it's just me. This isnt accounting for the fsct they were having a catch up as it salways been like this.
I've been conscious of these sorts of dynamics all my life with many many people.
On the one hand, 1:1 is easier but everything is up to me. On the other hand a group of 3 means the onus isn't always on me but I feel a bit excluded. They aren't being horrible, and I'm still seen as part of the group as I sit there listening and I'm happy to sit there in silence, I've just always been conscious of this. It was actually nice to see more than one person at once but the over analysis has started. I don't see it as social anxiety as I'm not worried what they think of me because they are my friends. I also don't think they notice any "difference" but the feeling from me is most definitely there.
Does anyone get me? In essence, I love my friends but it's hard work. However I understand myself more now. But there's still feeling elements of frustration, unspecified unease and analysis.