Forum changing

I have noticed a little difference in the mood of the forum, crispgate was a definite low in the proceedings. The trans posts have been the elephant in the room, this is uncomfortable for some, everyone is equal, neurodivergent people I think have a wide acceptance of most things, this isn’t me taking sides or having an opinion on this, what ever anyone wants to be or is, it’s brilliant, be what you are or want to be, some posts seem to load the gun and then see who fires it,  I love people for their personality, I’m more hearts than parts.

More older people seem to be joining as there are most probably 3 generations of undiagnosed people, it’s the realisation of, I’m autistic and hid for so many years. I love to see how young children get to be diagnosed at an early age, it’s such a boost to the rest of their lives.

I have noticed a little difference in the mood of the forum, crispgate was a definite low in the proceedings. The trans posts have been the elephant in the room, this is uncomfortable for some, everyone is equal, neurodivergent people I think have a wide acceptance of most things, this isn’t me taking sides or having an opinion on this, what ever anyone wants to be or is, it’s brilliant, be what you are or want to be, some posts seem to load the gun and then see who fires it,  I love people for their personality, I’m more hearts than parts.

More older people seem to be joining as there are most probably 3 generations of undiagnosed people, it’s the realisation of, I’m autistic and hid for so many years. I love to see how young children get to be diagnosed at an early age, it’s such a boost to the rest of their lives.

I feel like I personally owe a fuller and more detailed apology about Crispgate as I was jointly to blame. I have previously privately done so to Debbie as she was the one most critically affected and when she almost left over the cascade of events afterwards I felt sick about it and very remorseful. I promise not to do anything like it again. I can’t promise I won’t be silly again but I won’t recklessly flood the forum with multiple simultaneous posts about silly variations on a silly theme. 

The background to my misjudgment  is surprising complicated. Many months ago, we briefly had in our midst a very kind and fragile soul who’s User name I won’t say as it’s not my place to. She was always a very big-hearted and supportive presence on the site, telling people they were perfectly fine as they were no matter their life situation, that ‘god loves you’ and so on. She’d clearly had trauma in her past (regrettably but almost inevitably at the hands of men) and it left her very easily triggered (feeling got at with the mildest of counterpoints if she was having a bad day, but weathering those things more robustly on a good one) and she would occasionally talk about that in one of her more atypically’dark’ threads that she’d start. Then some days she just seemed to need some light and innocent fun - posting links to old adverts or songs or whatever. Anyway, she very kindly sent me a friend request out of the blue one day (Ive never initiated contact - except to apologise to Debbie!- and when anyone wants to be my friend I’m always astonished and grateful). Well, over a few days we regularly chatted. All very platonic and innocent stuff - just links to songs or music we liked, have you seen this film trailer, and a little bit about shared interests and lifestyle similarities - living alone, hobbies, scifi etc. 

Then, overnight, she changed her username and deleted me as a friend. I sent one final message to say that I hoped I’d not said or done anything to upset her and that I wouldn’t contact her privately any more, but hoped to see her continue to be a welcome and largely positive contributor to the threads. 
within one more day, she was gone - a deleted user. I felt sad and confused (had it been so implausible to her that I was maintaining an agenda-less friendship that she freaked out?) but more than that concerned and hoping she’d be ok. It’s also possible that it had nothing to do with me at all and is just her pattern. Join something,  become all or nothing for a time, then go on a whim, leaving people missing her but not meaning to hurt them. Just a fight it flight response I suppose.

Anyway, cut to last month. Or was it December? A new user appeared - it’s recent enough that I’ll not conceal the name as you’ll recall who it was - Ladybird. But I spotted straight away that she was not, in fact, new, but my erstwhile friend who’d vanished suddenly without a goodbye those months prior. Her writing style, her chosen avatar, some of the things she mentioned made it as unique as any finger-print: this was the same person back, willing to make a fresh start with the forum. As she seemed to want a fresh slate I didn’t reach out privately (and don’t do that anyway) and didn’t say in the public side either that I’d recognised her. So I just participated in some of the threads she started in exactly the way I would in any other - no special treatment sought or expected! She goes silent for a few days, then suddenly its Saturday, she’s in a good mood, and she comes on the forum seeking a bit of light banter. One of the treads is about crisps. Then another. Then another. Then one about shoes. Then one about decor. Then one more about crisps. So I’m seeing the funny side but thinking ‘hope this doesn’t get too out of hand’ and I’m also aware based on the past that she’ll likely tire of the joke and become a little more centred and convenientonally  supportive in a day or so. I posted some mildly silly comment in one thread and she says - to me specifically- ‘PM me’. I’m not sure if she’s about to confess to being my friend of old. And in fact she doesn’t. She says ‘let’s have some fun. We’ll start some more crisps threads as a sort of special interests parody and then in a couple of days we’ll fess up it was just a bit of a prank’. This is where I’m afraid I was rather immature. Despite the fact that I hate practical jokes, I was so pathetically grateful to have my friend back (my innate assumed toxic masculinity hadnt it seemed scared her away that first time at all) that I didn’t want to jeopardise a rebuilt bridge by being too po-faced and saying ‘well now I’m not sure this is such a good idea’. So I took the rather child-like decision to be her partner in crime for the night. And went with the flow. It was a tiny moment of levity in a very grim week as well and I was weak willed in the moment instead of being more adult about it. Well, by the time there were ten crisp threads I was feeling pretty uneasy but the reward was that she did reveal her identity, said she was sorry about what happened before, and asked ‘friends?’ And I was so relieved that, crying, I typed back ‘friends’. I had my wee friend back, and she didn’t hate me after all. But the iron price soon followed. Poor Debbie rightly raised the issue of crisis posts getting buried, Ladybird got a little over-defensive, and things turned very not nice for a while. And I feel horrible about it, and I’m deeply sorry for my own weakness in choosing one connection over the overall good of the forum. I hope you can all forgive me, and that this context helps a little with doing so. Or maybe I’ve made it worse, I don’t know. I’m confessional by nature so I’m getting it off my chest. 

As you know, Ladybird left soon after anyway. So I lost my friend a second time, and had done some needlessly reckless things during her brief return just to try and stabilise her presence here. (Once the crisis thing was over!) that it’s hard to defend with hindsight. Anyway, I do feel true remorse about it and I’ll be more mature in future. Especially as my selfishness nearly cost this forum the continued presence of one of its most compassionate members, Debbie. Who deserves the biggest apology of all. She’s already been very gracious about it to me, but as it’s been brought up tonight again as an all time low for the forum I felt compelled to say all if the above in an attempt to draw a line through reconciliation and -hopefully - the collective forgiveness of those who the whole thing most annoyed.