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Need help finding someone to talk to

NAS84559

Hi I was wondering if any of you helpful people could help push me in the right direction for someone to talk to. 

I am self diagnosed, on the waiting list for official diagnosis. I’m in my late 30’s and only realised just over a year ago so I’m still learning and researching every day. 

I was coping with this, some up and some down days with it all but like most of us on here glad to know and have some explanations as to my behaviour and ways of thinking down the years. 

however my relationship has really broken down lately and I think partly because of my other half knowing about all this and not being able to deal with it. I really want to save our relationship and I’m at rock bottom. I have no one at all to talk to, I don’t find it comfortable with my family and I have no friends. I was looking for suggestions if anyone has any. Are Samaritans good for this sort of thing? Are there any other numbers I can ring for help? Or can anyone recommend any good autistic friendly therapists? I have been looking on a website but there’s so many on there and I don’t want to make the wrong choice as the advice this therapist gives me could radically change my life. 

having suicidal ideas all day every day at the minute. I don’t think I would do it as I wouldn’t want to put it on my family but it’s certainly how I feel. 

thanks for any help 

  • in reply to sphynx

    Thanks for your kind words sphinx. What you said about trust resonates with me. I used to be very trusting but over the years that has completely gone due to too many people letting me down. You guys on here are literally the only people I have spoken to about this and it means so much to me that you give up time in your day to help me.

    I just can’t bring myself to pick up the phone and ring anyone. 

    Does anyone else feel that us autists are the most misunderstood people on the planet or is it just me? I feel people (not on here but in real life) always misinterpret my words even though my intentions are always good. And then I watch other people act like arseholes and people seem to love them. This world don’t make any sense to me at all 

  • in reply to NAS84559

    Shutdowns are intense, and it makes complete sense to be responding this way to such a difficult situation. 
    The concern you have for your children and everything you've built with your wife shows so much commitment and sensitivity. Sadly it sounds like you're not getting that same consistency from your wife, which must be painful and disorientating. 

    With there being so much at stake, I totally understand the concern about reaching out to anyone in case they say something that could make a life-changing impact on things in a way you don't want. For me finding an Autistic therapist, and someone who shares other aspects of my identity and lived experience too, has really helped with this. Sadly I'm discovering there's always an element of risk in giving our trust to others, and I guess it's about deciding whether that risk is one we're willing to take in a given situation. Only you can know that for yourself. Given that concern though, I think it's really brave of you to reach out to this community.

    Take good care 

  • Thanks so much for you help guys. Sorry I’ve been slow to reply. It’s been a rollercoaster of a week I’m really struggling and have been shutting down a lot. 

    I guess my worry with phoning anyone is I’m scared they won’t say the right things to me and just make it worse, or that they won’t understand how my mind works. I still haven’t spoken to anyone where as my other half speaks to her family and friends about it all. 

    I worry every time she meets them that she will come home and tell me to leave because of something they have said to her. I’m probably just being paranoid but I guess that’s what happens when your this low. 

    she tells me that she wants to work on things and she doesn’t want me to go but then the next day she’s moody and horrible to me all day and I just don’t know where I stand. I can’t ask her why she’s being that way with me as it just makes her more annoyed. I don’t want to leave her we have 2 children and have spent years doing our house up and building a life together. 

    im so upset I just don’t know what to do anymore. If you have read all this thanks. Just needed to get it off my chest. 

  • I’m so sorry you’re struggling so much at the moment. It sounds like you’re dealing with so much. It’s such a shame that your partner isn’t as supportive as he ideally would be. Does he have a full understanding of autism? Or is he reacting like this out of misconceptions about autism? Because the realisation that you are autistic really isn’t something that should be viewed so negatively - you’re still you, you’re still the same person - nothing has changed in that respect. 
    I’m not sure who it would be best to talk to in terms of counselling or therapy - I’m sorry I can’t be more helpful in that way. If you’re feeling suicidal then all mental health helplines would be applicable in that sense. They might also be able to point you in the direction of other support. 
    This community is always here for you and I’ve found people on here to be extraordinarily kind and supportive - and a great source of advice and solidarity. So you’re really not alone - though I completely understand why it feels that way. 
    Please know that as horrible and desperate as you feel right now this crisis will pass and you will get through it. Don’t give up! It won’t always be like this - this will pass and I promise you that in time you’ll find yourself in a happier phase of your life. 

  • Hi, 
    Sounds like things are really tough, I'm so sorry to hear about your current struggles. 

    I haven't tried Samaritans myself, but I'll soon be volunteering for a text helpline called Shout - you can reach them on 85258, they're apparently very supportive of people from all backgrounds and marginalised communities.

    Regarding therapy, if private support is an option for you I would really highly recommend Astrid Coxon, an Autistic therapist who is exceptionally warm, sensitive and compassionate. they won't give you advice, but they can help you think through things and hopefully gain clearer understanding. Also it can just be invaluable to have someone we can trust to listen without judgement.

    It sounds like you might be in a very lonely place right now. If you'd like to connect, I'm here to listen and support in any way I can. Take care