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Struggling to live with partner

NAS69638

My partner has moved in with me and my daughter. Prior to this, the only person I had ever lived with/shared a home with was my family growing up and then my daughter when she was born (I was a single mum from the get go). 

I remember before he moved in I was quite apprehensive how I would cope because I am someone who *needs* my own space/alone time and even though I have my daughter, I managed this when she was at school or staying over at relative's homes etc. I had a good routine with housework, my home was always very clean and tidy, everything had its place etc and I was able to pursue my special interests etc. 

I've really struggled with him living with us for various reasons. Because he is home quite a lot due to working from home and working shifts ie he is not in work everyday I feel I don't have enough time to keep to my routines and pursue special interests. I can't fully be myself when he's home i.e. I cannot stim freely. He has a lot of his own stuff, which I really struggled with at the beginning, my home is quite small and there isn't enough space for all our stuff. I really don't like it when he moves my things or tries to change things around. Now the flat is usually quite messy and cluttered which I hate. I also find that the cleaning routine I had before he moved in has gone out the window. For some reason I don't like cleaning/tidying when he is at home I find it distracting. I feel when he is at home I can't do anything and I also find it frustrating that everything just gets messy very quickly. 

I also find him quite loud, like he has a very loud voice or will be singing in the kitchen and I am very sensitive to noise particularly if I'm stressed or overloaded. He is also the sort of person who will have the tv on all the time as background noise, even if no one is watching it which I don't like. I don't mind a bit of good music but it really annoys me having some random show on when no one is watching. 

I feel like our relationship is quite strained because I find him being here quite frustrating and stressful and a lot of it is probably ASD related although no all of it (sometimes I feel like we don't have a lot in common, don't have particularly interesting conversations etc)

I've decided that I will end the relationship and ask him to move out. I feel bad because he is otherwise a good person. He keeps saying he loves me and I feel he is close to my daughter. But I don't think I can carry on much longer. I long to have my flat to myself and miss the days when it was just me and my daughter (I've never struggled when it was just her and me, I think mother's love overrides a lot of difficulties). 

Has anyone else struggled when a partner has moved in? I can't see me living with anyone else again tbh. I clearly need my own space.

Parents

  • I just read your post and my chest was tightening whilst reading it. Does he know you are autistic? I understand the need to not have clutter, I like everything to be in its place and not be added to. My wife will leave something on a worktop or our desk, it then becomes another item and so on. It’s a hard balancing act, I need quiet and space, my wife is very noisy person in the mornings, whistling, the tv on and a radio in the kitchen, I often want to scream, what I do get is that it’s not all about me, I can’t make her life hard because of my needs.  I use noise cancelling earphones and escape for a while to my bedroom. We have been together for 35 years, I only found out I’m autistic about a year ago. She has been really supportive of me. I do have the luxury of being a lone worker so I have all day on my own. You have two options, sit him down and explain everything you have told us, he will need to adapt and be tidy. Option B is the door, if you want a true autistic answer, I would go for B. Sorry if I sound blunt, we really aren’t designed for sharing our space. Just one more thing I would be interested to know why you allowed him to move in?

  • in reply to Roy
    Roy said:
    Does he know you are autistic?

    As a married Autistic (25 years) I feel your pain. Roy has it bang on when he says you need to let him know that your needs are not just you being fussy.

    I would suggest one possible solution that worked for me is to speak to a couples counsellor who has a solid understanding of Autism (especially for Aspies / Higher Functioning autists) and help your partner get to really understand what he is causing with his lack of understanding and also what the world of you being together could look like.

    If I were in your shoes I would try this before giving him the boot as it sounds like you are otherwise good togther.

    A solution for the future may be to get a bigger place together and have your own "zones" where you are free to be yourself and the shared zones you both agree on how these will be maintained (tidiness, cleanliness, noise etc) so an acceptable balance can be reached and you can have your refuge zone it it gets a bit too much sometimes.

    Please keep talking for as long as you can before throwing in the towel.

    Good luck.

Reply
  • in reply to Roy
    Roy said:
    Does he know you are autistic?

    As a married Autistic (25 years) I feel your pain. Roy has it bang on when he says you need to let him know that your needs are not just you being fussy.

    I would suggest one possible solution that worked for me is to speak to a couples counsellor who has a solid understanding of Autism (especially for Aspies / Higher Functioning autists) and help your partner get to really understand what he is causing with his lack of understanding and also what the world of you being together could look like.

    If I were in your shoes I would try this before giving him the boot as it sounds like you are otherwise good togther.

    A solution for the future may be to get a bigger place together and have your own "zones" where you are free to be yourself and the shared zones you both agree on how these will be maintained (tidiness, cleanliness, noise etc) so an acceptable balance can be reached and you can have your refuge zone it it gets a bit too much sometimes.

    Please keep talking for as long as you can before throwing in the towel.

    Good luck.

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