Struggling to live with partner

My partner has moved in with me and my daughter. Prior to this, the only person I had ever lived with/shared a home with was my family growing up and then my daughter when she was born (I was a single mum from the get go). 

I remember before he moved in I was quite apprehensive how I would cope because I am someone who *needs* my own space/alone time and even though I have my daughter, I managed this when she was at school or staying over at relative's homes etc. I had a good routine with housework, my home was always very clean and tidy, everything had its place etc and I was able to pursue my special interests etc. 

I've really struggled with him living with us for various reasons. Because he is home quite a lot due to working from home and working shifts ie he is not in work everyday I feel I don't have enough time to keep to my routines and pursue special interests. I can't fully be myself when he's home i.e. I cannot stim freely. He has a lot of his own stuff, which I really struggled with at the beginning, my home is quite small and there isn't enough space for all our stuff. I really don't like it when he moves my things or tries to change things around. Now the flat is usually quite messy and cluttered which I hate. I also find that the cleaning routine I had before he moved in has gone out the window. For some reason I don't like cleaning/tidying when he is at home I find it distracting. I feel when he is at home I can't do anything and I also find it frustrating that everything just gets messy very quickly. 

I also find him quite loud, like he has a very loud voice or will be singing in the kitchen and I am very sensitive to noise particularly if I'm stressed or overloaded. He is also the sort of person who will have the tv on all the time as background noise, even if no one is watching it which I don't like. I don't mind a bit of good music but it really annoys me having some random show on when no one is watching. 

I feel like our relationship is quite strained because I find him being here quite frustrating and stressful and a lot of it is probably ASD related although no all of it (sometimes I feel like we don't have a lot in common, don't have particularly interesting conversations etc)

I've decided that I will end the relationship and ask him to move out. I feel bad because he is otherwise a good person. He keeps saying he loves me and I feel he is close to my daughter. But I don't think I can carry on much longer. I long to have my flat to myself and miss the days when it was just me and my daughter (I've never struggled when it was just her and me, I think mother's love overrides a lot of difficulties). 

Has anyone else struggled when a partner has moved in? I can't see me living with anyone else again tbh. I clearly need my own space.

  • Are you worried about telling him that you want him to move out? Do you think he will nice about it or are you feeling intimidated at the idea of telling him? Do you have anyone who can be supportive if this is the case? 
    It’s your home and your right to decide who you share it with - always remember that. Good luck.

  • It does sound as if you would be happier if he moved out. Some people are better with a partner who has their own home, or maybe it is just over. But if he thinks you are happy he will find it a nasty shock to be dumped out of nowhere. Have you told him how you feel at all?

  • The issue is not so much sharing housework. I want to do manage and control my own household because I'm very particular about how things should be

  • It was something we had discussed but like you said he kind of actioned it a bit before I was ready. I don't want to do housework together, I want to do it alone. And also I don't like him touching moving my things so its only something I like to do myself and I feelI can'twhen he's around. I want my alone time.

  • He told me that he was handing his notice in to his last place.

    Do you mean he decided to move in with you without even asking or discussing it? Or had you discussed it and he just too action sooner than you expected? If he just moved in without even asking that is not right!

    In general I think you should try telling him you are not happy and asking him to try and change before just saying it's over. Does he know how you feel and that you are not happy with things?

    I do understand you not wanting to clean and do your things while he is there, but it might be worth trying, or even asking him if you can both do some housework together at some time he is not working, so it's not just you doing all the work.

  • It’s hard but you have to be honest with him. Apart from anything else if you’re unhappy and not able to be yourself it will impact on your daughter. If you let it go on longer it might only make it harder to approach him about this.

    You can do this. It won’t be easy but you can’t be unhappy in your own home - it’s your sanctuary. I’m sure you’ll be kind and gentle about it when you speak to him. If he really cares for you he will understand and want you to be happy. 
    Good luck - I can imagine why you find this so difficult. But you have to be honest - for all your sakes - including your daughter. x 

  • Tbh I'm starting to resent him

    Does he have any clue that the situation is doing this to you? If not then it is probable that he thinks all is great and full steam ahead for the future.

    These conversations are really hard to have, but the cost of not having them is way worse in my experience.

    if you want any advice on how to have that conversation then please ask.

    Good luck with whatever you decide.

  • I felt quite pressured really. He told me that he was handing his notice in to his last place. I thought we could 'give it a go ' but it's really not working for me. Tbh I'm starting to resent him

  • That’s difficult - I’m sorry. 
    You really have to do what feels right to you. I know it’s not easy though - I hope it goes ok. It’s sad but you have to be honest about how you feel. Good luck x

  • Does he know you are autistic?

    As a married Autistic (25 years) I feel your pain. Roy has it bang on when he says you need to let him know that your needs are not just you being fussy.

    I would suggest one possible solution that worked for me is to speak to a couples counsellor who has a solid understanding of Autism (especially for Aspies / Higher Functioning autists) and help your partner get to really understand what he is causing with his lack of understanding and also what the world of you being together could look like.

    If I were in your shoes I would try this before giving him the boot as it sounds like you are otherwise good togther.

    A solution for the future may be to get a bigger place together and have your own "zones" where you are free to be yourself and the shared zones you both agree on how these will be maintained (tidiness, cleanliness, noise etc) so an acceptable balance can be reached and you can have your refuge zone it it gets a bit too much sometimes.

    Please keep talking for as long as you can before throwing in the towel.

    Good luck.

  • I've never lived with anyone, well other than my Mum. I've been on holiday with a couple of different girls and  had girls stay over at home a few times. But my home is my home. I don't like the idea of someone being there all the time. I do things regular, at the same time and don't like my routine to have to change. When people have said to me, why don'r you get some woman in to share things, you must get lonely. I usually reply, i don't want some woman in the house, leaving the loo seat down: leaving the top off the toothpaste, and leaving her dirty knickers in the sink.

  • I just read your post and my chest was tightening whilst reading it. Does he know you are autistic? I understand the need to not have clutter, I like everything to be in its place and not be added to. My wife will leave something on a worktop or our desk, it then becomes another item and so on. It’s a hard balancing act, I need quiet and space, my wife is very noisy person in the mornings, whistling, the tv on and a radio in the kitchen, I often want to scream, what I do get is that it’s not all about me, I can’t make her life hard because of my needs.  I use noise cancelling earphones and escape for a while to my bedroom. We have been together for 35 years, I only found out I’m autistic about a year ago. She has been really supportive of me. I do have the luxury of being a lone worker so I have all day on my own. You have two options, sit him down and explain everything you have told us, he will need to adapt and be tidy. Option B is the door, if you want a true autistic answer, I would go for B. Sorry if I sound blunt, we really aren’t designed for sharing our space. Just one more thing I would be interested to know why you allowed him to move in?

  • I get where you are coming from, and I don't have Autism or ADHD. My kids (who do) like their special items in certain places - my husband will walk into their room and shove everything in a drawer - cue two very upset boys that I have to calm down. The husband leaves stuff everywhere, is at home 24/7 so I can't clean/tidy when I need to, and don't get me started on the kitchen when he's attempted cooking!!! The kids are different when he's not around  - there's a calmness that I can't help but think they need a lot more of.

  • I broke up with my partner for this reason. He's still my best friend and it was absolutely nothing personal, but I feel like I don't even exist if I don't get at least eight hours a day alone. It worked ok until COVID but as soon as he started working from home it was a huge strain on the relationship. Previous times when he'd been off sick had been difficult but short enough that we could get through it.

    My physical health and energy levels have both improved massively since living alone. I rarely have meltdowns any more.

  • I’m glad my reply was helpful, it does us good when we find others who share our experiences and fears and loves and problems. Your original post was helpful to me too as a reminder of why I set this boundary, we are very in love and invested so I do sometimes get the thought that we should join our resources and get a place together but you pointing things out as you did clearly reaffirms my decision. Thank you xxx

  • Thank you for your message. It's validating to know I'm not the only one. I do think the big mistake was him moving in, I much preferred it when we alternated staying over at each other's homes too. I think I will ask him to move out and see if he still wants to have a relationship. But if not, I think that will be the end of the relationship as it has become almost unbearable for me. 

    Like you said, my home is my safe space and I like/need to have the control. I feel like at the moment I have no opportunity to decompress because I have nowhere to go. 

  • I really understand what you are describing and am sending friendship and care. My home is a precious safe space where I have complete control, something of huge importance in every area of my life. I am in a beautiful relationship but although we see each other every day and spend most nights together we don’t live in the same place, we each own our own home outright and alternate somewhat randomly between the two.

    We had a boundaries discussion when embarking on our relationship and one of mine was that we weren’t going to live together for the foreseeable future, this is all working incredibly well for us.   The tidiness and clutter thing you described is a biggie for me too, my home is beautiful, tidy, clean, organised,  and I invest hours and hours keeping it so. Also I’m obsessed with the patterns I create with shape and colour using art and books and coectibles in it, something I would have to in part sacrifice were we living together. Good luck Four leaf clover

  • Hi Slight smile 

    If he truly cares for you, he will learn to take the 'personal' out of any justified complaints you make should you speak at great length of them to him - he will, or will not, learn how to view your unhappiness in a selfless light, and then perhaps change his behaviour. This speech would be a revealing test...for you both. I hope, for both your sakes, that he learns and so passes the test. Slight smile