Hi.
I have been to the doctors due to having a bout of exhaustion for the millionth time. I go over a trigger over and over again until I get so frustrated I crash and I become suicidal because I cannot cope with the confusion, anger, anxiety, never ending web of thoughts etc.
I had finally had enough of being possibly treated on anti depressants or being a part of an anxiety group. I know they are the by-product of being completely, constantly overwhelmed. The doctor did an assessment as I told them I honestly can't keep crashing and coming back full circle every time. I scored high enough to be put through for an autism assessment. I have done my form, my mum has done her part and I am sending it off tomorrow.
This was 3 days ago. I am 34 years old and I have always been the same. I will explain how I am in bullet points:
- Sensory overload has always been a big thing in my life. Sunlight/ outdoors blew my anxious mind for many years. Had agoraphobia from 16 for a long time. Noise, social situations and spaces can really make me anxious.
- Certain things I cannot stand e.g. getting a train or getting my haircut. Propranolol stops the shakes but not the mind
- Socialising is really hard. I can only not look someone in the eyes or be locked onto their eyes. I prefer to not look at them because I know the alternative is intense
- I don't understand others emotions. I don't understand how people feel when they cry etc. I can't tell what others are thinking at the time but I am great at telling people how narcissists work
- My IT college teacher once told me I am great at the difficult stuff but don't get the basics. I agree with them
- I used to get told to stop tapping in high school because I had to tap out rhythms in my brain (in either sets of 3 or 5 and then I would get a warm feeling). I still do this now with my feet also.
- My routines are extreme. I.e. my diet I won't go one calorie over and I need to know every gram of sugar, fat, carbs, protein etc I have.
- When I wake I map my day instantly in detail and when I get an interruption from the routine in work it angers me a lot very quickly
- Switching from one task e.g. watching a film to making music can feel like an insane shift and really daunting even though it's so easy to switch on paper
- My brain can be hyperactive and also crash massively. I am incredibly efficient and organised in work (with paperwork). I have been told I am the only person that is always up to date with paperwork. My organisation skills and templates are very OTT but I couldn't do it another way. On the flip side I struggle with the clients side massively. I wish I could just sit and type all day long
- I get unbelievably annoyed at people who don't say what they mean and play games and don't get how others fall for it
I think I need to stop typing because I will go on forever.
Feel free to ask my anything.
Anyway I wanted to know if I could get help with imposter syndrome?
Since the doctor said they are referring me I have watched tons of videos and everything is so relatable I feel so relieved that there could be a reason to my lifelong suffering. This has now turned into imposter syndrome. I am convinced in my assessment they will call me out as lying and I will have wasted everybody's time and I will be back at square 1. I have constantly gone over the fact I think I am making it all up an insane amount of times in 3 days.
I am scared that I will be told I am making it up and that I will have to come back to going full circle and thinking I am completely out of options. I am exhausting myself already and I wish I could be hopeful for a possibility that all my confusion may be answered.
Has anyone else who has been diagnosed or not diagnosed been through this? I honestly can't be doing this for however many months it'll take to be assessed... but I will if I don't seek advice from others.
