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Undiagnosed Adult

Chris

Hi.

I have been to the doctors due to having a bout of exhaustion for the millionth time. I go over a trigger over and over again until I get so frustrated I crash and I become suicidal because I cannot cope with the confusion, anger, anxiety, never ending web of thoughts etc. 

I had finally had enough of being possibly treated on anti depressants or being a part of an anxiety group. I know they are the by-product of being completely, constantly overwhelmed. The doctor did an assessment as I told them I honestly can't keep crashing and coming back full circle every time. I scored high enough to be put through for an autism assessment. I have done my form, my mum has done her part and I am sending it off tomorrow. 

This was 3 days ago. I am 34 years old and I have always been the same. I will explain how I am in bullet points:

- Sensory overload has always been a big thing in my life. Sunlight/ outdoors blew my anxious mind for many years. Had agoraphobia from 16 for a long time. Noise, social situations and spaces can really make me anxious.

- Certain things I cannot stand e.g. getting a train or getting my haircut. Propranolol stops the shakes but not the mind

- Socialising is really hard. I can only not look someone in the eyes or be locked onto their eyes. I prefer to not look at them because I know the alternative is intense

- I don't understand others emotions. I don't understand how people feel when they cry etc. I can't tell what others are thinking at the time but I am great at telling people how narcissists work 

- My IT college teacher once told me I am great at the difficult stuff but don't get the basics. I agree with them

- I used to get told to stop tapping in high school because I had to tap out rhythms in my brain (in either sets of 3 or 5 and then I would get a warm feeling). I still do this now with my feet also. 

- My routines are extreme. I.e. my diet I won't go one calorie over and I need to know every gram of sugar, fat, carbs, protein etc I have. 

- When I wake I map my day instantly in detail and when I get an interruption from the routine in work it angers me a lot very quickly

- Switching from one task e.g. watching a film to making music can feel like an insane shift and really daunting even though it's so easy to switch on paper

- My brain can be hyperactive and also crash massively. I am incredibly efficient and organised in work (with paperwork). I have been told I am the only person that is always up to date with paperwork. My organisation skills and templates are very OTT but I couldn't do it another way.  On the flip side I struggle with the clients side massively. I wish I could just sit and type all day long

- I get unbelievably annoyed at people who don't say what they mean and play games and don't get how others fall for it 

I think I need to stop typing because I will go on forever. 

Feel free to ask my anything. 

Anyway I wanted to know if I could get help with imposter syndrome?

Since the doctor said they are referring me I have watched tons of videos and everything is so relatable I feel so relieved that there could be a reason to my lifelong suffering. This has now turned into imposter syndrome. I am convinced in my assessment they will call me out as lying and I will have wasted everybody's time and I will be back at square 1. I have constantly gone over the fact I think I am making it all up an insane amount of times in 3 days. 

I am scared that I will be told I am making it up and that I will have to come back to going full circle and thinking I am completely out of options. I am exhausting myself already and I wish I could be hopeful for a possibility that all my confusion may be answered. 

Has anyone else who has been diagnosed or not diagnosed been through this? I honestly can't be doing this for however many months it'll take to be assessed... but I will if I don't seek advice from others. 

  • in reply to Cullpepper

    I understand what you mean. It must be frustrating knowing you could have been diagnosed and had some answers becoming an adult. I went to my doctor at 16 years old and remembered having to pace the street outside before my dad called me in to see the doctor because I was just terrified to exist. The doctor said "have tomorrow off school and go back in Thursday". Not the best help but hopefully I will be able to get help now. I totally understand the parkinson/ tv show part you explained. I would watch films or tv shows with confident people in and be like "I am going to be them now!" and it would last an hour then I would feel ashamed that I was actually my shy and non confrontational self. 

  • in reply to Glitter

    Thank you for your reply. I sent off my form today recorded delivery. I have got a book, making a diary of how I feel, trying to write down childhood memories and spoke with a woman who's daughter was diagnosed at 47. She says although symptoms can be very different I sound exactly like her daughter which I found interesting. I also looked at the jokes and memes thread on here and they really made me laugh. Thanks for taking the time to reply. 

  • I'd say there's a good chance it applies to the majority of us.  We all have that feeling of "what if I'm just making it up", alternating with bouts of "this feels so right it must be the answer to everything!" 

    I am trying to learn to live with the dizzying see-saw like journey.

    But remember that even if you don't get a diagnosis, you're not wasting anyone's time because it's important for you to know one way or the other.  And if it was an easy line for the medical professionals to see, then we wouldn't need to do assessments.  

    Personally, it sounds to me like your experiences could be explained by autism.  And you've also made the "Why I Think I'm Autistic List" which is another thing many of us have been through. 

    Welcome to the club and good luck on your journey.

  • I'm 69 and have always been very shy. I've always felt rge odd one out, whether that be at school and nobody wanting me in their team. And as i grew up and started to go out with 'mates'  who lived on my estate. I'd watch them getting girls up to dance, and they'd be chatting away. I'd watch and think, how do they do that, why is it so simple for others and not me. I use to watch all the chat programmes on Tv, like Parkinson. He'd have guests on, laughing and chatting away, i use to watch but could never work out how to start a simple conversation.  I found it embarrassing to talk about and ask for help, but eventually when i was about 20 i went to my doctor. All he did was give me a small book ......'Don't be shy'

    I could have written much of your post myself   I've never married, had a few relationships when i was younger, but they all fizzled out. As i said i'm 69 now, with numerous different illnesses, i've finally accepted things aren't going to change. I started to suspect autism about 12yrs ago after i bought a computer  and started to read up about the problems  i was having. My new GP now is the first person to take an interest, he asked how i felt about an assessment, but i said, is it worth it at my age, to get a piece of paper telling me, what i alreay know.

    I suppose if i were 60yrs younger, they'd pick it yp these days.