Struggling to speak in new situations/with new people - different from mutism

I think the distimction is kind of an arbitrary medical one based on NT observation.  It supposes that there is a difference between not being able to talk and not being willing to talk.

I think there's a lot of overlap in the reason why mutism happens- nerves/confidence, not knowing what to say or how to say it, processing delay and finding the space to speak.

I also think that mutism, situational or otherwise, happens on a scale, and the medicals have drawn a line somewhere along that scale to say that at this point it's mutism or selective mutism, and at any point less than that it's just a person being crap and they need to get better at it.  Which is rubbish.

If you don't know what to say, then you are unable to speak.  If you have an idea what to say but can't get it out, then the result is the same.  Even the times when you can speak but it's difficult are part of that scale.

In regards to scripting, sometimes it's enough for me just to script the conversation starter.  I've been known to do this at work and still walk past the person several times before I manage to start the conversation though.  A starter might work for therapy sessions.  I would actually love it if my therapist did this- just an open question to get things going and if it was the same every time that would be even better.

That is so helpful Tink, thank you. I really appreciate the validation you offer - it makes so much sense. I think the very clear, logical way you've articulated it means I'm unlikely to doubt myself in this area again, at least for a while. I've experienced so much doubt and imposter syndrome around being Autistic that anyshift like this is invaluable, so thank you :)

Thanks also for the scripting tip. This also makes sense, also I sometimes find that struggling to speak comes up mid-conversation as well, so maybe having scripts for getting things started up again is something to explore. 

I'll keep a mental note of your therapy tip! I hope your therapist is ND-affirming - if so maybe you could suggest this? I usually start my sessions by asking how my therapist is doing - they won't tell me, of course, but to me this is still more than small talk - it's important to me to express that I care about them too. (Hope that doesn't sound like virtue signalling, it's really not meant to.) They respond with something like, 'I'm well,' or 'I'm ok,' and then ask how I'm doing. It feels predictable in a safe way, and because it unfolds from something I ask I feel in control.

That is so helpful Tink, thank you. I really appreciate the validation you offer - it makes so much sense. I think the very clear, logical way you've articulated it means I'm unlikely to doubt myself in this area again, at least for a while. I've experienced so much doubt and imposter syndrome around being Autistic that anyshift like this is invaluable, so thank you :)

Thanks also for the scripting tip. This also makes sense, also I sometimes find that struggling to speak comes up mid-conversation as well, so maybe having scripts for getting things started up again is something to explore. 

I'll keep a mental note of your therapy tip! I hope your therapist is ND-affirming - if so maybe you could suggest this? I usually start my sessions by asking how my therapist is doing - they won't tell me, of course, but to me this is still more than small talk - it's important to me to express that I care about them too. (Hope that doesn't sound like virtue signalling, it's really not meant to.) They respond with something like, 'I'm well,' or 'I'm ok,' and then ask how I'm doing. It feels predictable in a safe way, and because it unfolds from something I ask I feel in control.

Oh and I love your pressure stims :) I sucked my index finger and thumb on my left hand probably until a bit later than most kids suck their thumbs, which may have been a stim. And I fiddled with things through most of school, until they replaced my locker key and keyrings for a silly plastic thing that simply didn't hold the same sensory satisfaction. I started again and uni and fully intend never to stop. But that's another example of something subtle that would easily 'slip through the net' at assessment I think.

So glad you have a good therapist :) He sounds brilliant, and I hope the starter helps. 

Yes, agreed re the imposter syndrome. As you say, the criteria are very deficits-based, which I think alienates many of us. So many of them could be rephrased as strengths or at least neutral characteristics. For instance, instead of asking, 'do you have repetitive and narrow interests?' they could say, 'How deeply do you fall in love (with things/ideas/places/people etc)?' If I had been asked how trusting I was as a kid, or how committed I am in friendships, this would have transformed my whole relationship to the formal recognition process.

I'm so glad it helped!

Yes, my therapist is very affirming, he's amazing.  He has some idea about autism but says he is enjoying learning more about it from my perspective. And he said that when I just explained how I can't tell how other people feel just by looking at them, I need them to say if they like me or whatever out loud.  His response was to give me some verbal feedback about how he feels about the sessions which was the most affirming moment for me and made such a difference. 

I'm going to ask him about a starter next time. 

I think the imposter feeling among autistic people is more common because of the way medical people observe it and describe it in the diagnostic criteria.  Prime example,  "stereotyped repetitive motor movements."  A lot of my sensory feedback comes from pressure stims, but an observer is not going to notice how tightly I cross my legs or tuck my finger in beside my thumb.  It's so much more subtle than flapping, but it serves the same function.  But it wouldn't get me any more marks on the test, as it were.  Similarly, in my assesment they didn't pick up on me having a narrow and deep interest- but my interest is autism and the whole experience was me indulging my interest!