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When I try letting loose and not overanalyzing my behaviors, I make more social mistakes.

KittyBiscuits

Whenever I try being completely myself and let loose, explore my traits and simply just be myself... it's annoying or wrong to others in some way. I feel so trapped even living because it's either mask and succumb to the pressure and ruin my mental health, or be myself and not hide anything in order to keep myself feeling happy... only to have others be uncomfortable or even upset with me for not trying to consciously remember social rules and how I "should" present.

I know for a fact I am hypervigilant, but it's for a good reason. It feels inescapable how I can't even let go without it backfiring somehow. I want to be authentically myself and say things without having to tiptoe around people. I'm tired of hiding. It feels better to just not be myself now and to be whatever others wish for me to be or what they want from me. Man, even showing emotions is a problem. I have such a hard time hiding my own feelings and emotions without someone being able to obviously notice. I feel so bad and like I just can't get out of this situation. I feel hopeless. Is this what autism is supposed to be like??? To comfort others and accommodate them at the expense of your own wellbeing??? If so, it's more than tough. It just feels depressing.

Parents

  • I'm sorry you're in this situation. I also feel like this with most people. Luckily I have a few autistic and ADHD friends and over time we've begun to unmask around each other, even if it is chaos lol. I thrive less in groups and prefer one or two people at a time. In a group I really hold back because there's too many variables and potential mistakes and judgements to be made from different people. So suffocating! 

    Are there friends/acquaintances you feel closer to or people who are more gentle, empathic and understanding than others? Perhaps directly telling them this "I have to hold a lot back to be socially acceptable but I would like to share more of my authentic autistic self around you" and sort of introduce more elements of your authentic self over time (if you have that level of control over masking i guess).

    I would say if you can, try to meet more autistic people irl or people who are interested in disability rights. I find disabled activist types are much more understanding and accommodating of many kinds of people and are able to form social situations around people's physical/mental/sensory/social needs instead of defaulting to NT and able-bodied expectations.

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  • I'm sorry you're in this situation. I also feel like this with most people. Luckily I have a few autistic and ADHD friends and over time we've begun to unmask around each other, even if it is chaos lol. I thrive less in groups and prefer one or two people at a time. In a group I really hold back because there's too many variables and potential mistakes and judgements to be made from different people. So suffocating! 

    Are there friends/acquaintances you feel closer to or people who are more gentle, empathic and understanding than others? Perhaps directly telling them this "I have to hold a lot back to be socially acceptable but I would like to share more of my authentic autistic self around you" and sort of introduce more elements of your authentic self over time (if you have that level of control over masking i guess).

    I would say if you can, try to meet more autistic people irl or people who are interested in disability rights. I find disabled activist types are much more understanding and accommodating of many kinds of people and are able to form social situations around people's physical/mental/sensory/social needs instead of defaulting to NT and able-bodied expectations.

Children