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When I try letting loose and not overanalyzing my behaviors, I make more social mistakes.

KittyBiscuits

Whenever I try being completely myself and let loose, explore my traits and simply just be myself... it's annoying or wrong to others in some way. I feel so trapped even living because it's either mask and succumb to the pressure and ruin my mental health, or be myself and not hide anything in order to keep myself feeling happy... only to have others be uncomfortable or even upset with me for not trying to consciously remember social rules and how I "should" present.

I know for a fact I am hypervigilant, but it's for a good reason. It feels inescapable how I can't even let go without it backfiring somehow. I want to be authentically myself and say things without having to tiptoe around people. I'm tired of hiding. It feels better to just not be myself now and to be whatever others wish for me to be or what they want from me. Man, even showing emotions is a problem. I have such a hard time hiding my own feelings and emotions without someone being able to obviously notice. I feel so bad and like I just can't get out of this situation. I feel hopeless. Is this what autism is supposed to be like??? To comfort others and accommodate them at the expense of your own wellbeing??? If so, it's more than tough. It just feels depressing.

Parents

  • As someone who has genuinely been perplexed over this, I’ll share what I discovered:)

    There’s a time and a place to be the raw, unfiltered me and sometimes I actually don’t quite like my own mannerisms. They can be sloppy or the sound of my own voice unappealing - to my self!

    What is authentic is actually found in the choices I make, things I’m attracted to and that I don’t feel blindly compelled to just be part of a herd, as much as I thought I did. These are what is meant by Authenticity. Non-autistics cannot pull away so easily  

    The path toward integration of the Whole Self is a long one. It is a type of becoming and being in one. We never truly find our authentic self but as I learned to grow, at some point I realised I stopped peeling off less “layers” that weren’t “Me” and found time to begin to craft my becoming into my internal being - a being that somehow has always been around, with deeper truths below what I thought I believed. I found this integration of who I imagined my self was part of the potential of this inner being, and spent reflective time trying to learn to match my intentions with words and actions. 

    Then there is the matter of virtues, or Values, principles like becoming intentionally reliable and valuing kindness and affording dignity. We aren’t authentic to the point of selfishness as it’s alienating and a gateway to disintegration of the self, but for matters of inspiration to ourselves and others.  Hope this helps!

    Also, The Artists Way is a good read. 

Reply

  • As someone who has genuinely been perplexed over this, I’ll share what I discovered:)

    There’s a time and a place to be the raw, unfiltered me and sometimes I actually don’t quite like my own mannerisms. They can be sloppy or the sound of my own voice unappealing - to my self!

    What is authentic is actually found in the choices I make, things I’m attracted to and that I don’t feel blindly compelled to just be part of a herd, as much as I thought I did. These are what is meant by Authenticity. Non-autistics cannot pull away so easily  

    The path toward integration of the Whole Self is a long one. It is a type of becoming and being in one. We never truly find our authentic self but as I learned to grow, at some point I realised I stopped peeling off less “layers” that weren’t “Me” and found time to begin to craft my becoming into my internal being - a being that somehow has always been around, with deeper truths below what I thought I believed. I found this integration of who I imagined my self was part of the potential of this inner being, and spent reflective time trying to learn to match my intentions with words and actions. 

    Then there is the matter of virtues, or Values, principles like becoming intentionally reliable and valuing kindness and affording dignity. We aren’t authentic to the point of selfishness as it’s alienating and a gateway to disintegration of the self, but for matters of inspiration to ourselves and others.  Hope this helps!

    Also, The Artists Way is a good read. 

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