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Routines vs connecting with others

HP35

I've spent this year setting up good food and sleep routines. I have found a daily diet that works for me and for the first time in my life my digestion is stable, I'm not having daily pain, and for the first time since I was a baby I feel comfortable going into some situations with limited toilet availability. I've even managed to gain some weight! I've also stopped fighting my natural sleep schedule and am getting eight hours sleep a night. I'm no longer breaking down sobbing about how tired I am. It's wonderful. I feel like I'm fully alive for the first time in my life.

The problem is that as soon as I start to connect with anyone, they expect me to break these routines. I can literally explain to them about how I eat the same meals every day and how positive an effect it's had on me, and how I sleep 8pm-4am, and almost immediately they're like, "awesome... hey do you want to come around for dinner on Saturday? Starts at 8pm, I'm making chili." Then when I say no, I can't eat that and I'm asleep then, they just repeat the same kind of invitation ad nauseum for months afterwards. The more I go into explanations, the more they start pathologizing me and suggesting medications etc, usually things I've already tried unsuccessfully.

Do they just expect me to compromise? I'm reluctant to do that because of how physically and mentally unwell I became from doing so in the past.

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  • I can relate to this a lot. I struggle a lot with digestive issues and food and I have a tendency to get stuck in routines and like you say it can make it really difficult to see people- eating socially is just not possible for me at the moment and at this point I don't really have the energy to see anyone and as I get stressed about it possibly disrupting routine. When I see people it is usually for a walk or to sit down together for tea/coffee. I think you need to be kind to yourself. Have you tried suggesting some alternatives (eg. going for a walk or a different meeting time outside meals or maybe a lunch together where you bring your own food if that would be an option for you)? Hopefully they can be understanding. I always worry about this too but my friends have accepted that meals with me at this point is just not feasible. I think if they are good friends they should be able to understand. 

    A while ago a friend (though not someone I know so well) suggested lunch together and I said I would prefer to meet outside meal times and surprisingly she said she very much prefers that too but only suggested lunch as that is usually the socially acceptable thing to do. I had suggested coffee together as that seems to be the socially accepted non-mealtime thing to do but we then decided that actually a walk was really the best for both of us :). So who knows, maybe some of your friends would also prefer doing something together that doesn't involve food. 

    I get really stuck to routines (especially with food) but unlike for you some of them end up having negative effects on my health and just make me very inflexible and stuck.... So I am trying to change them for my health ... but I always end up in a new routine anyways... I think if I found a routine that really worked for me I probably also wouldn't want to change it. 

    It's hard but I am starting to learn that sometimes you have to put yourself first and prioritise your needs. I struggle with this as I have a tendency to want to please so that I can be accepted. But I think advocating your needs is really a good skill to have. So in my opinion it's perfectly reasonable to not compromise on what your friends are suggesting! 

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  • I can relate to this a lot. I struggle a lot with digestive issues and food and I have a tendency to get stuck in routines and like you say it can make it really difficult to see people- eating socially is just not possible for me at the moment and at this point I don't really have the energy to see anyone and as I get stressed about it possibly disrupting routine. When I see people it is usually for a walk or to sit down together for tea/coffee. I think you need to be kind to yourself. Have you tried suggesting some alternatives (eg. going for a walk or a different meeting time outside meals or maybe a lunch together where you bring your own food if that would be an option for you)? Hopefully they can be understanding. I always worry about this too but my friends have accepted that meals with me at this point is just not feasible. I think if they are good friends they should be able to understand. 

    A while ago a friend (though not someone I know so well) suggested lunch together and I said I would prefer to meet outside meal times and surprisingly she said she very much prefers that too but only suggested lunch as that is usually the socially acceptable thing to do. I had suggested coffee together as that seems to be the socially accepted non-mealtime thing to do but we then decided that actually a walk was really the best for both of us :). So who knows, maybe some of your friends would also prefer doing something together that doesn't involve food. 

    I get really stuck to routines (especially with food) but unlike for you some of them end up having negative effects on my health and just make me very inflexible and stuck.... So I am trying to change them for my health ... but I always end up in a new routine anyways... I think if I found a routine that really worked for me I probably also wouldn't want to change it. 

    It's hard but I am starting to learn that sometimes you have to put yourself first and prioritise your needs. I struggle with this as I have a tendency to want to please so that I can be accepted. But I think advocating your needs is really a good skill to have. So in my opinion it's perfectly reasonable to not compromise on what your friends are suggesting! 

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