Turning emotions on/off

Good morning 84134,

Well I have good news and bad news for you, based on my experiences.  The good news is that I seem able to "kill" emotions and reactive tendencies dead in their steps - it is quite incredible when it happens...shocking to me and rather unsettling to others around me.  The bad news is that I have dubious control over when I can enact this superpower.

My most recent manifestation of using my "kill switch" is.....I have been very shocked at just how easily I was able to "conquer" my unhealthy relationship with alcohol.  Using your words, I found myself able to "at will to shutdown in a way to help with me emotional regulation and impulse reactions.". This is just my most recent (and profound) example, the more stark examples from my past tend to occur mid-conversation!  It really scares the B-Jesus out of people......it can have the outward appearance of a psychotic break, although it is not that because I remain wholly cognisant of myself and remain fully in control.

I wish you well on your quest and hope the above bolsters your resolve to keep at it.

Kind regards

I did write a short version about how it is to be alexithymic and autistic in this post https://community.autism.org.uk/f/adults-on-the-autistic-spectrum/29719/alexithymia/263212#263212

You are the only one who can tell what's in your head, if you are or not, others can only speculate based on your behaviour, on so called 'symptoms'.

How do I know if I am based on the video it seem I might be how do I know for sure 

You need to be alexithymic, 50% of autistic are, but it's double-edged sword. Watch this www.youtube.com/watch

I think any time you feel unsettled you can find space alone to rebalance. That is necessary. Don't ask yourself to achieve anything  [removed by mod]

Hmm, this resonates. My condition made growing up a difficult experience, with a mess of defence mechanisms forming that I never fully managed to shake off in later life and which have ramped up again this decade. There is a sort of emotional disconnect in my thoughts now, where my brain automatically abstracts certain thoughts so that the emotion they would otherwise generate is stopped/repressed before I have a chance to feel it. It’s a bit of a pisser as these days mostly all I feel is a permanent background subtle sadness/despair with occasional ‘despair anger’ waves. I suppose it‘s because there are things I desperately need as a (muh) human but aren’t getting due to this mechanism in my head. This is more than I knew twelve months ago and I’m trying to work on it with the help of someone I talk to weekly. It’s funny… I used to think I understood emotions perfectly well. But when she asked me to describe them, I was surprised how difficult it is to find the words.

Hi, I used to also go blank/ turn off emotions at times in the past but I don’t think it’s something I can control and it’s also (at least for me) not very healthy- because all those emotions get bottled up and at some point they will resurface or explode out or worse eat you up from the inside... when my granddad (well actually he was a family friend but he was my surrogate granddad and one of the closest family members) died I barely cried and felt quite blank - Only years later did the emotions resurface and I cried a lot about loosing my granddad. Even now over 10 years later looking at a picture of him can set me off into tears and sadness. I didn’t deal with the emotions at the time he passed but only started digesting it years later. I don’t think turning off emotions is a good coping mechanism- maybe look into relaxation techniques or ways to not let emotions get to you in moment- but shutting them off completely is risky in my opinion and I don’t even know if it can be done consciously....

I think that's one of those 'too much or too little of...' things (viewed through an NT prism) that autistic people have a number of. In my case, I'm more in your camp - I feel things very intensely and for a long time. I don't get over hurt or pain easily, and it continue to flare up in cycles even when a more unrelenting phase eases off out of exhaustion. As difficult as that dysregulation/intensity is, I'm not sure I'd want the ability to switch it off at will. I'm not sure who I'd be if I could just make meaningless in one moment something intensely meaningful not long before, and keep it that way. In some ways it sounds like a relief, in another way horrific. Sorry not to be of any help here as I think aloud. But maybe it helps to know you're not alone in being as you are?

I think that, perhaps, many don't have a choice in the matter. Relevant anecdote: my parents were always fantastic in their love and care for me. I was very fortunate indeed. Yet, at both their funerals, I felt no sadness whatsoever. And, even more strangely, I felt no shame at feeling nothing. Like so often in my life, I was a blank of emotions, and this was in no way conscious/deliberate. It's inexplicable...except in the obvious context.