Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I'm a bit desperate at this point as I seem to have managed to get myself out of one bad situation straight into the next disaster. Essentially I recently took a new job in August and moved back to the UK. Before this I had been working in a lab in Germany for a year (I am a neurobiologist) as I was hoping to do a PhD there but I ended up exploited and working unpaid for 6 months, before being employed part-time for 6 months- plus there were other issues. I had a hard time in Germany and my health suffered and I ended up physically unwell and burnt out and depressed but I took my last energy and applied for jobs whilst still working. I would have applied for a new PhD position straight away but it was the wrong time of the year and most deadlines were past- therefore I ended up looking for research assistant jobs in a lab so that I could work for a year, recover and also apply for PhDs in the meantime. I chose to move back to the city where I had gone to university as I felt at home there and I thought the job I had been offered there might involve slightly less responsibility and a better chance of me recovering than some of my other options. I had no break between my job in Germany and the new job and I started work in August utterly exhausted wondering on I would cope- the novelty of the new job somehow got me through it but I soon ended up working extremely long hours: 1-2 days on most weekends and for a few weeks I often only got home at 11/12 at night. On top of this I am really struggling with food and digestion (ARFID type issues) and by this time I was only eating eggs, toast, carrot and apple and I was loosing more and more weight - I tried to expand my diet half-heartedly but I just did not even have the space or time or energy to tackle this. Whenever I had time off I felt physically ill with exhaustion.
At some point I realised this job is being completely counterproductive at this point: I am not getting any intellectual satisfaction from it and it is quite frustrating to only assist and never see things through (which would be ok if I was working more normal hours). I am not getting a qualification from it. I have no time for anything- no time for relaxation or seeing friends and no time to apply for a PhD which is what I really really want (and the deadlines are in December/January). So somehow on top of everything I tried to start applying for PhDs as well... I managed to do some applications and even ended up travelling abroad for an interview. I have had very little sleep and it was all crazy busy. Things settled down a little at work as Christmas was approaching and I felt so burnt out and I don't think I have been very productive recently and people noticed that I seem exhausted. At some point I also started expanding my diet as my body was not taking it anymore which is a positive thing but it also means that my digestion etc is all over the place and it is further disrupting sleep when I actually have time to sleep.
I now finally had time off for the Christmas break a week ago (actually ended up taking some leave so that I could take off early as I was no longer needed)- I thought the rest would do me good and I would regain some energy and be able to work on some more applications and prepare upcoming interviews. So far I have done no work and just tried to distract myself with puzzles, lego, origami etc. (sadly I am injured and cannot do the outdoor activities I love). However I am growing increasingly depressed and tired with each day (or so it seems)- Even when I started the vacation I thought 2 weeks would not be enough for me to recover but it is becoming more and more clear that it really isn't going to work out. I am not sure what is wrong with me and if I am so so tired and exhausted and growing more and more depressed because I have not rested enough or because I need to drag myself up again and start doing something productive like dealing with my PhD applications. This is the one thing that kept me going as I really badly wanted to be able to start a PhD next autumn at latest- I really hate my current job and if I do not take care of these applications I am likely to be stuck in this job (or a job like this) for a second year. However I have lost my drive. I can't even work up the energy to even start contemplating working on these applications.
I have no idea how I am meant to go back to work in less than a week- I feel so burnt out and unable to cope even when not doing anything at this point and I just don't know how I can cope. I am thinking of asking to take a few more days off but I am not sure I can do that and even that seems not long enough to recover from my profound state of exhaustion and burnout (I actually haven't really had a break in ages...)- I think if I somehow force myself to go back to work (if I manage to drag myself there somehow), maybe some residual energy will kick in and keep me going for a little while longer- but at what cost? I also urgently need to take care of my food issue as I am so severely underweight- I am trying but for that I also need time and space. I am worried that I will loose my job if I try to take more time off or if I end up on sick leave. I am still on probation and I also hate doing substandard work. The issue is also that I have a lot of work that I need to do in the new year that one I get started with will not be easy to just interrupt to take a break and it will likely involve considerable weekend work too...
One option would be to move back home to my mum who is outside the UK- however I am not keen on this option as I am not sure I could cope with another move- I have bad memories of being in Luxembourg and back home and I feel much more comfortable in the UK. Also it could possibly lead to issues due to Brexit if I want to return to and stay in the UK (and I really do want to stay here). Plus I am worried how this would look on my CV and I would end up with a long gap between this job and starting a PhD if I got an offer... it feels like giving up and like a huge failure to move back home and I am not keen. Also living with my mum has been problematic in the past ... but then again I don't have many options?
If I am to stay in the UK I need to have an income so that I can pay the rent. I really wish I could just have a longer break now so that I could have a chance of recovering but I have no idea how I could put this into practice and how I could make my work more bearable and less exhausting. Should I contact the 'disability at work team'? I'm not sure though if that is appropriate as it is hard to know which of these issues are related to being autistic...? And I don't know what adjustments could help me...?? I also feel like I should be able to cope.
At this point I am just utterly depressed and feel stuck in a situation which feels like it has no good solution. And I have lost all energy. I'm so sorry for the long long post.
I just realised I should probably mention that I am autistic- I was diagnosed a few weeks ago. Thanks so much for listening.
Are those working hours legal? It doesn't seem at all reasonable that you are expected to work such long hours. No wonder you are burnt out.
Thing is, even if you don't want to go ff sick, your body will eventually force the issue and it might be something even worse. It doesn't really sound as if this job is worth it.
My contract states that I am meant to work as long as necessary to complete the work but I am not expected to work more than an average of 48 hours unless i have a special agreement (which I do not)- I am pretty sure I was exceeding the 48 hours at some point but the past weeks I have been working much much less and I feel guilty about that. In part it was because there was less to do as things were wrapping up before Christmas (and as I said no when asked to start something that would have meant coming in over Christmas- I worked all last Christmas and had I had more energy I would have considered it but I just couldn't). My employer has been quite nice and seems to try to help but then again I am not the only person that is utterly overworked and burnt out ... However I feel bad because I started this job burnt-out. My employer has also commented on my 'stress and exhaustion' and I am worried he will not want to keep me. I also feel like it is very hard for someone to understand the level of my exhaustion- I also don't think I have ever been so depleted (except maybe last year after Christmas when I was actually so unwell that I ended up being away for 7 weeks and still burnt out.)- this is what is scaring me so much because I feel like noone will understand- even my family is struggling to understand how I can be this exhausted- I can feel that the 2 week break I am having now is just not going to be anywhere near enough for me to even begin recharging. I feel like I have been running on about 1% battery for ages now and I go to 0% occasionally and never recharge.
The worst thing is that the job feels meaningless- Yes I am learning new techniques etc but I never get to see anything through so I am not getting intellectual satisfaction. I usually love my work in the lab (I am a scientist) and I also like to put in the hours but here I feel like I am just doing the more repetitive tasks and never get to the fun and exciting part. Plus someone I have been helping out has been trashing most of what I have been preparing for them (not because it wasn't well prepared but just because he didn't end up using it...). I'm fine doing a not so meaningful job temporarily to pay the bills and I do like the people I am working with but it's just not ok anymore if I have to sacrifice my health and everything for it.
I'm scared of saying let me quit and move back home though as I also struggle when I am too long without a meaningful project- I took time out during my undergraduate and I still regret it- it was one of the worst times of my life. But I need a break.
Yes you are right- my body and mind is just not cooperating anymore- I am very very underweight and that really needs tackling and I am not happy with resorting to binging back a few kilos as quickly as possible again (regardless of the digestive issues and emotional stress associated with it), just to keep going on near empty battery now- I don't want to do that again as it is horrible and I deserve to gain weight in a healthy and slower way and also to somehow sort out my digestion and diet etc so that when I do actually reach a healthy weight again I don't just end up unintentionally loosing it again. At this point everything is all over the place- my sleep too and I am so so exhausted, dizzy etc. and emotionally just completely drained- I end up crying and being super depressed and deenergised. It's complete breakdown. Somehow I have managed to drag myself back to work or get myself back into study mode in the past despite being utterly exhausted- but even if I could do it this time- not sure it is worth the cost...
there is that
AuTriker said:your body will eventually force the issue
and you don't want to end up with the worst case of burnout because you pushed yourself to the limit like I did few years ago. Nobody recovers fully from burnout as far as I noticed at least you'll lose a lot of memories, at worst some abilities will be forever lost, and even after you start recovering you won't regain/rebuild them. To me it looks like burnout is causing brain damage, to much damage means to many cells have died to rebuild connections. I no longer can focus on things that are not special interest related, and I can't come up with an idea how I did it in a first place, it happened in adolescence and it was always foggy time in my memories. Memories that were most affected are vocabularies. I suspect that is how we become non-speakers