How do I help my son feel love

Would you be a bigger fan of "Desiderata" ?

22 is young for autistics. Many of us are so shut down or withdrawn at 22 and have a mountain to climb out of. 

Psychoanalysis has theorised that most individuals can't identify their authentic feelings and have trouble being vulnerable due to how non-autistics are wired to be conditioned into society. A lot of emotion can be a misdirection or misrepresentation of things. If I look right now at the media, there is a LOT of forced emotional content, curating 'Sentimentality' as if it were a commodity or advertising all kinds of ways one can 'be' authentic. 

But this is authenticity: when I can openly and genuinely say I don't know what I feel or if I feel.  This would never be said in the media as it's not 'sexy' - for lack of a better term. To be contemplative about one's own state and have the ability to do so is actually a truer form of authenticity and vulnerability. 

The problem with feelings can be identifying them: They're like colours and when there's an overwhelming amount, they just turn into a muddy pool of dark greyish. Have a look at Alexithymia. It's not that we can't feel - but it can be separating all these feelings like a puddle of cables. 

As a parent, if we can curate or facilitate our children's ability to be just raw and honest, we've done them a great service. We've created a safe place for a Real Connexion. 22 is young! Especially for an Autistic. I was a ghost of a shell of a human through my 20s. By 30 I had melted a little... I had peeled off all the psychology which didn't apply (though I didn't know why), I found some self-help books and grounded theologians and read philosophy. 

The Autistic Neural-wiring is such that once we have a bit of breathing space, and maybe a library and a few years of uninterrupted time to master a craft, our analytic thinking is unstoppable. We can be capable of continual growth. 

Children should not be running the world. The time it takes to become a reliable solicitor or surgeon is the appropriate amount of time one should reckon adulthood actually begins. Personally, I have goals for each decade and particular things I want to learn as I grow older. The sad reality is I will not be able to accomplish what I hope to in a lifetime.

At 22 my son got off anti-depressants, tried CDB, his father had passed and to some degree - a weight lifted (that's its own story). I gave him a multi daily and in 3 years he's completely different and one day came home with Peterson's 12 Rules for Life. I'm not the biggest fan, but there's some valid stuff in it and to be honest? That's a huge sign of growth.

You know I loved my grandmother. But when I think back on her affection I don’t so much remember the hugs but the food. But when I felt awful she used to sit me down and bring me food and something to drink. She sat with me. She made feel taken care of. I definitely felt loved by her.

maybe your son can help you find a way to have meaningful physical contact but even if that doesn’t happen it doesn’t mean he can’t experience your affection.

I've just been diagnosed at 45, it's never too late!  Also, even if he had been diagnosed earlier, there was a lot less understanding about what it means 20 years ago.  It's only really since the Internet became common that autistic people have found better ways to make their voices heard.

There are so many ways to feel love.  I used to bring my mum daisies from the garden. My kids draw me pictures.  My wife plays video games with me.  I wash up her greasy bacon frying pans even though I don't eat bacon.

I also experience alexithymia, and possibly your son does too.  This means that I don't always know what I am feeling until it gets very big.  So he may not be experiencing the squishy, happy loved up feeling in the same way, but that doesn't mean that he can't know love at all.  Think about the things that do make him happy, and see if there are ways you can share those with him.  He may, in the future, find someone that he connects with in his own way which may appear different to a traditional style of romance but will make sense for him.  Or he might be perfectly fulfilled on his own.  That's okay too!   A traditional romantic relationship is not the only way to be happy.

You’ve been given some great advice here, and I wanted to add that yes, your son will feel and give  love In his lifetime. It just won’t look like society says it should. 

Love has always been an issue for me. My mother called me a "cold fish" because I did not show any displays of affection. To this day I still struggle with that. What added to my own inadequacy, I did not feel loved either. I was not abused in any physical way.  My father played no active role in my upbringing.  He had his own issues developed with his WW2 war service. My mother rarely displayed loving attention to me. I had an older brother who hated my parents. He remained a Batchelor until his death at age 51. I always felt unwanted as an accidental birth. My brother was nine years older than me. All this added up to a dysfunctional family upbringing and a very confused me complimented by my own unique "inadequacies."  I realise now I was not suitable for marriage to any woman, but I was in love with the THOUGHT of being in love. I confused being in lust with being in love, never understanding the difference. I am writing this not with any self-defence in mind, but in support of your statement :

Dawn said:

No amount of "help" would change this because your son's sensory system is his sensory system. He was born with it and will die with i

Yes we have an understanding that love is there. I was more concerned that he would never feel love in his life ie when or if he ever gets girlfriend or friend etc etc but the fact you have said that you did and have felt that with partners and your child is hopeful . Thankyou for your reply it makes me realise that just because you might not feel certain feelings with one person doesn't mean you may never feel them.

No amount of "help" would change this because your son's sensory system is his sensory system. He was born with it and will die with it.

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I am an older autistic woman and I think you are voicing what my mother would have said. All I can tell you is the more you hanker for his hugs as a manifestation of his love, the more you will hurt. I rejected my mother's hugs too - they were horrible and I didn't like her smell. But I understood she loved me.

However, your son DOES feel love and does love you. You said yourself he knows he is loved when you verbalize that. You need to accept his love on his terms. He DOES feel it, although he may never demonstrate that as you would wish.

If it's any consolation, I have had other loving relationships. I adore my son. I have obviously had loving sexual relationships albeit I do not like to be taken by surprise by hugs from anyone. I do like deep bare hugs from the right people on my terms or they can be horrible.

Some autistic people never have or want romantic relationships and are asexual. Others are highly sexed. Your son needs to live his life his way given his sensory system. But whether he ever hugs you or not, he does love - as evidenced by his affection for animals. And his love expressed his way needs to be seen as valid and valued.

Most of all, for you, know you did nothing wrong and that you too have loved with all your heart.