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Help needed - desperately

NAS80814

Hi all

I feel bad in writing this but I'm at a loss on how to move forward. 

My partners romantic inclinations are gone, it's not fair on them to give specifics but it's to do with their mental health, they are seeking treatment 

I'm really really struggling with this, I am trying to be as supportive as possible but it's eating away at me and it's hurting our relationship. 

After being rejected by them I often withdraw and become sullen and appear to go in a childlike huff, I eventually come out of this state a few hours later , kiss and make up but this cycle keeps repeating itself

I'm deeply concerned about my behaviour after my rejection, i can't seem to find an answer whether it's a ADHD or AUTISM thing or just a human thing, I have been punching myself in the head as well due to the frustration of everything and I know that isn't good, I often feel sick to my stomach ,I want to scream and break things ( I don't do any of these) I'll withdraw from my partner, usually become mono syllabic (one word answers?) my partner knows that it has affected me but I will still claim that I'm ok, it's a horrible state to be in and affects the quality of the limited time we have with each other. 

I don't see my partner a lot which probably leads to my expectations to be higher, I find my partner really attractive and I still want to be romantic with them 

The rejection after rejection is really hurting, I'm in tears writing this, I love my partner to the ends of the earth but I don't know what to do, I don't want to lose them 

I have read of a link between ADHD and hyper sexuality so maybe that's why this affects me as much, I'm grasping at straws here but I'm truly at a loss 

Any thoughts guys would be appreciated, and please be kind Pray, I am trying to be supportive of the difficulties my partners mental health but their mental health is now affecting mine and I'm trying to find a solution. 

Thanks 

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  • in reply to GuybrushThreepwood

    Hi

    I have heard about but would love to know more and any solutions to managing it. 

    Thanks 

  • in reply to Glitter

    I love your bluntness!

    I definitely need to try and separate sex and love in my head, it's a way of me feeling connected and needed. 

    I need to try harder and I like your suggestion of finding other ways to connect. 

    I think I also need to address the self love aspect and take some time with the process instead of it just being a tool to mitigate frustration. 

  • in reply to Dawn

    It's extremely tough, my feelings for my partner remain the same as the first day they walked into my life, it's hard to wrap my head around how their head has changed. 

    There was something I read about reference needs being met and that if the partner with zero romantic inclinations was able to perform certain romantic acts on their partner it would help the partner with romantic inclinations still feel like their needs where being met and relieve some of the frustration. 

    Im not sure about this, I think I would feel guilty on the one hand knowing my partners drive is not there but they are willing to see my needs met and on the other hand it would fulfil my needs, bring me that romantic relief and would lessen the chances of me going into a meltdown because I'm so frustrated with the whole situation. 

    My other concern would be that my partner would eventually resent this and that I might grow to expect it as well, it seems like a short term fix but I worry about the long term implications. 

    Thanks 

  • that's a lot i didn't read all of this but i hope some other people can give you ideas of what you should do 

  • Boy! Getting it on so many levels. I went through some stuff I won't bore you with and couldn't on a physical level. My husband didn't react well, didn't get it and didn't understand how to support me to get that back. Part of the problem was hiding his own feeling. 

    Tip to the wise, your partner can't help what they are feeling and need their boundaries respected, but that does NOT mean you can't be open and honest about what you feel with them. If you can communicate without either of you holding back or blaming the other, acknowledging that this is going to impact on you both in different ways at present, you might yet pick a way through it. 

    It's hard but ultimately the things that brought you together with patience can help you through it together. This is possible. But it takes work on both sides. Respect their boundaries and listen to their need, but be open about your need too.

  • Sometimes my partner's libido also fails because of reasons, and for a long time I struggled with a feeling of rejection. Part of that for me was that for a long time the only people who showed any real interest in me were the ones who wanted a physical encounter, and it became an important way of connecting. 

    There are two things that I do to combat these feelings.  One is to find other ways that I feel connected to my partner, like playing games together or just talking about stuff we like.

    The other is (ahem- how to put this politely) taking some time to show myself some genuine affection.  Making an effort to give myself a real pleasurable experience, not just making a rush job of it.  And not letting myself feel guilty or wrong for enjoying that.  "Loving yourself" can be an important thing to learn to do properly, knowing that you are worth your own time and effort.  Make a date and romance yourself properly.  And be honest with your partner about it, so that you dont feel like you're cheating on them.

    This advice has been brought to you by the power of autistic bluntness. ;) 

  • Have you read about rejection sensitivity dysphoria? It’s quite common with ADHD