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Violence, beliefs, desperate parent

Tired

My son is 19yrs old, ASD, awaiting ADHD assessment and has PDA traits. His is aggressive and violent. Most recently attacking me and needing to be restrained by his father during an initial assessment with the Complex Autism Team. He would have hurt the staff present in the room. This is all because he didn't want to sign the consent form, because he didn't agree with the team sharing any safeguarding issues, should they arise during discussions. Four months we waited for this meeting, now that's another team that won't deal with him. He believes that there is a higher power controlling the government, but when pressed, has no substance to back up or prove these ridiculous theories. He is determined to break rules he believes are wrong, rules that allow us to live in a safe society. I am desperate. We can't go on or he will eventually hurt one of us or worse. I'm sick of him looking at crap on the internet that seems to suck in people with vulnerabilities like his. But I can't stop him accessing it, his PC is his only enjoyment. I don't know what I'm asking, but this is my life with him, one of control and fear, of hiding the bruises he inflicts, and then providing the love and care he needs after one of these episodes. One day I won't be here anymore, be it at his hands or my own or age. I can't see him ever moving on a having a normal life. He seems determined to make things as hard as possible for himself, and we're expected to just suffer it all, as he constantly maintains it's not his fault and there's nothing he can do. Can anyone please offer me any help, advice or hope because I am seriously losing the will to fight or stand up for him anymore. Being Autistic doesn't give anyone the right to behave in the way he does, but he seems to think it does and that he should be allowed to be above the law. 

Parents

  • I can understand what it must be like for you, and I can empathise. What I wanted to say was, I don’t think your son is behaving badly for effect. I feel it is because he is overwhelmed/anxious about ‘something’. He certainly isn’t making things difficult for himself. He probably doesn’t know how to help himself, nor is able to do it himself. I don’t expect he knows where to start, and I am pretty sure he knows that you won’t be here forever. 
    So, what can you do? First off, try and identify triggers with him. Could be something very simple to change. I would go to your GP or service that can help support you with things to try, or some respite for you etc.

    You could contact autismandadhd.org for advice in the meantime. 


    If you are able, please remember to practice self care, even for 10 minutes. You need to make sure that you are mentally and physically on top form for your own sake, and to be strong enough to care for your son. reach out for help too, by way of counselling or similar. You have a lot in your plate right now, and it might help to see things from a new perspective, and arm you with the ability to cope better. 

Reply

  • I can understand what it must be like for you, and I can empathise. What I wanted to say was, I don’t think your son is behaving badly for effect. I feel it is because he is overwhelmed/anxious about ‘something’. He certainly isn’t making things difficult for himself. He probably doesn’t know how to help himself, nor is able to do it himself. I don’t expect he knows where to start, and I am pretty sure he knows that you won’t be here forever. 
    So, what can you do? First off, try and identify triggers with him. Could be something very simple to change. I would go to your GP or service that can help support you with things to try, or some respite for you etc.

    You could contact autismandadhd.org for advice in the meantime. 


    If you are able, please remember to practice self care, even for 10 minutes. You need to make sure that you are mentally and physically on top form for your own sake, and to be strong enough to care for your son. reach out for help too, by way of counselling or similar. You have a lot in your plate right now, and it might help to see things from a new perspective, and arm you with the ability to cope better. 

Children
  • in reply to Catlover

    He knows what he's doing. He has me over a barrel. I can't escape this now. We have every service imaginable involved and he knows this. He won't talk to us about his emotions or when he's getting angry, he just explodes. Slamming my head against a wall yesterday, he's dragged me by my hair across the floor, spat in my face, I won't go on. But it's all about him all the time, to the detriment of my other children and my relationship with his father. I told him I'd rather not be here anymore and he told me to go and kill myself. This is not textbook "oh he's anxious about something" crap. This is control. He wants control of our lives and doesn't want to have to change anything in his to improve things.