Published on 12, July, 2020
Sometimes, and for no particular reason, I say something out loud. I’m not sure if this is some sort of manifestation of Tourette’s, it isn’t usually anything obscene, I sometimes surprise myself and am left wondering why I said it as it seems to have no relevance to anything. I also count under my breath as I’m walking, sometimes people hear me mumbling and I’m immediately embarrassed. I’ve always done this, but only recently come to the conclusion that it might be an autistic thing…anybody else do this weird stuff?
when thinking about stuff or stressed maybe... i do blurt out things out loud and they can be more likely bad things that will get me demonised and hated if heard. it seems to be a salve for a troubled mind, to randomly blurt out the most offensive thing automatically. the more taboo the thing you blurt out the more it seems to attract the automatic blurt out and the more taboo the more it soothes your mind for a tiny period.i often find that thinking on things i have done that makes me feel cringe or feel regret would also provoke this blurt out of a random offensive word. but luckily controlled more in public, in private without expending the effort i let it go ham... control can slip when stress is high enough or when i am in a public toilet in a cubicle taking a piss, perhaps the cubicle makes me feel im in a private space and sets my mind in that lower energy mode of not needing to restrain itself too much.
My random sentences (which aren't subconsciously rehearsed and the onlly thing I control is wether or not I open my mouth, not what is going to come out) are harmless. But when I get frustrated with my only real enemy in life: TIME, my mind very occassionally gos to the (OK I have a sick sense of humour so it's nowhere near the darkest, but) most violent place (God created me and my brain and bloody time so I'd like to hurt him by smashing a inocent little tolddler)
"Hurting God" is more readily accomplished by simply denying him.
Not sure why anyone would want to do that, seems a bit like pi55ing into the wind, but it takes all sorts to make a world, I guess.
Now hurting the devil, THAT I can get behind. Particularly as it involved living as nice and pleasant life as is possible. Even if your faith is as weak as my own, just a quick glance reveals that the devil symbolises misninformation, dishonesty, selfishness, rapine, etc...
You don't have to be a Christian or Religious nut to fight evil, you merely need to be able to recognise it and have the will to oppose it.
OO dear, I said it out loud...