Published on 12, July, 2020
Sometimes, and for no particular reason, I say something out loud. I’m not sure if this is some sort of manifestation of Tourette’s, it isn’t usually anything obscene, I sometimes surprise myself and am left wondering why I said it as it seems to have no relevance to anything. I also count under my breath as I’m walking, sometimes people hear me mumbling and I’m immediately embarrassed. I’ve always done this, but only recently come to the conclusion that it might be an autistic thing…anybody else do this weird stuff?
Sometimes you'll get me blurting stuff out whilst walking down the street, usually my phrase of repetition is 'I hate myself'. I don't have that sentiment so strongly and am not that pessimistic in outlook, but that is seemingly fixed and here to stay for a while. Though not verbal, when I feel the 'cringe' which can cause me to say the forementioned phrase, I may slow my walking noticeably, as if to try shaking off the negativity and put my foot down on the train of thought continuing. I look around when I blurt out with it, which body language only adds to my sense of lack of belonging. I liken it to having a demon (not at all religious or superstitious, but not afraid to use to overuse simile) since the cringe I feel is automated. I've become quite accustomed to the types of scenario the cringe will surface. It is like a masked murderer who steps up behind me and threatens me with a knife to my throat but never slashes, and I can never see the knifeman, but I can learn to keep calm. I think that is why I don't mask like I have heard masking being described; the enemy is inside my head and that is if not my reality, a belief which I follow. I have made a fool of myself in the past but it is only recently i have felt the cringe set in and really hurt, and it has really affected how comfortable I feel around public and holding friends, such that I keep minimal contact with everyone but my partner now, even my dad. I think the blurting out loud and the cringe which causes the blurting, amongst other things, happens as a form of negative reinforcement to stop it happening again. But the problem is I'm too trigger happy, and I wonder if behind that sits excess caution. There is definitely some twisted learned behaviour involved in why I think like this, to do with the wiring of the brain. It makes people misunderstand me when I say that I don't want friends or acquaintances; they think it is arbitrary choice rather than effect from an underlying cause. Better post this before it depresses me much more!