I’ve always thought I was different, but it’s taken me a lifetime to realise I’m probably autistic. As a child, I would spend hours in my room, on my own, bouncing up and down on the balls of my feet and flapping my hands around while my mind indulged in complex and detailed fantasy narratives; all the things I dreamt of doing, but none of them out of the realms of possibility. It’s something I still do today, but only when no one is looking…obvs.
I was an only child but quite happy to be by myself, in my own little world. At primary school, I was considered very intelligent and I managed to cope reasonably well, though I had no interest in sports or games and preferred my own world. Secondary school didn’t suit me at all. It was too big and noisy and I found very little to interest me. Again I was considered to be bright and was in the top stream but I had no interest in lessons that didn’t seem important to me. I didn’t misbehave but I just tuned out, I could hear the teacher, I could read a book but none of it sunk in. I failed almost all of my O Levels…quite spectacularly. I tried to revise, I would sit and look at textbooks, read the words, but none of it sunk in and none of it seemed worth knowing about. I have always been auto-didactic, I just won’t be taught things by others, everything I ever wanted to learn, I’ve taught myself, I struggle with instructions and can’t even follow a YouTube video unless it’s something that particularly interests me.
My (step) grandson has just been diagnosed as being autistic, he’s high functioning and will be getting help with learning. As a result of taking an interest in his diagnosis, I came to the realisation that so many autistic traits seemed familiar to me. I’ve always had special interests, I’m a visual thinker, I have a large circle of friends but I really struggle with making small talk and get very stressed by large social gatherings. I’m a photographer and if I go to a party, I avoid conversation by hiding behind my camera, I’m prone to clumsy conversation and saying things I feel are inappropriate.
My photography is my saving Grace, I order things visually, I’m acutely observant and see patterns and details others don’t. I have an innate understanding of music but I have no technical understanding as that would involve the kind of study that my attention deficit does not allow for. I have always fidgeted, tapping and drumming with my fingers and feet and have found a creative outlet for this as a percussionist, playing Latin percussion. I still infuriate everyone with my relentless drumming on any surface that’s close to hand. I see music in my head, I have some kind of visual representation of what I hear and music moves me emotionally very intensely. I’m very impatient and hate waiting in any queue, I dislike large crowds and shrill noises like a child screaming really make me want to cover my ears and flee. I dislike strong perfumes, which disappoints my wife as she likes them.
These are just a few of the things I’ve realised would probably have me diagnosed autistic, there are many more. I’ve completed all of the online questionnaires I can find on the subject and they all score me very high for autism and ADD. I’m not sure I would get much benefit from a formal diagnosis now and it seems there’s a long wait for such a thing on the NHS and the private consultations are so expensive. It would have been so useful though if I were my grandson’s age and at the very beginning of my educational journey. It helps to know though that there’s a likely reason for my oddness and I’m glad I’m the way I am with all my passions and quirks. I’ve only just discovered this forum, hope to discover more enlightening things here. Apologies if I’ve gone on too long…I’m rather prone to that!
