I was diagnosed in my thirties last year and one thing which I've struggled to get my head around is shutdowns and meltdowns. It wasn't something I thought I could identify with but now I understand a bit more I can see when I think they happen. I think I have shutdowns more than meltdowns.
I had a chat with my partner last night about life stuff. I spent most of it crying. It felt like my head was in a washing machine. I said several times that it was too much for my brain to cope with. He's really understanding but said he didn't know how to help. He feels better if he can find solutions but I said sometimes just being there is enough. I think it was too overwhelming for my brain to process with too many emotions, unknowns and a million thoughts branching off.
After the chat we went to bed but I felt a bit numb. Like my brain couldn't cope so it just... shut down. I woke up this morning and have felt off. Really down. But not depressed. I recognise this feeling from before...like when I don't know what to think or feel or how to attend to any of it. Like I can't put things in order in my head to be able to deal with them. So i feel quiet, inward and down. And numb. And not mute but... I've only spoken when necessary really. We normally have a bit of a chat at dinner but it's like my brain wouldn't work today. I've been able to do my work and go shopping which has been a welcome distraction so I haven't been completely shut down but it's been hard.
I just wonder how I'd cope with the changes we potentially discussed when this happens merely talking about it. It's times like this when I really do feel different to other people and out of step.
