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Is this a shut down

Deleted User

I was diagnosed in my thirties last year and one thing which I've struggled to get my head around is shutdowns and meltdowns. It wasn't something I thought I could identify with but now I understand a bit more I can see when I think they happen. I think I have shutdowns more than meltdowns. 

I had a chat with my partner last night about life stuff. I spent most of it crying. It felt like my head was in a washing machine. I said several times that it was too much for my brain to cope with. He's really understanding but said he didn't know how to help.  He feels better if he can find solutions but I said sometimes just being there is enough. I think it was too overwhelming for my brain to process with too many emotions, unknowns and a million thoughts branching off.

After the chat we went to bed but I felt a bit numb. Like my brain couldn't cope so it just... shut down. I woke up this morning and have felt off. Really down. But not depressed.  I recognise this feeling from before...like when I don't know what to think or feel or how to attend to any of it. Like I can't put things in order in my head to be able to deal with them.  So i feel quiet, inward and down. And numb. And not mute but... I've only spoken when necessary really. We normally have a bit of a chat at dinner but it's like my brain wouldn't work today. I've been able to do my work and go shopping which has been a welcome distraction so I haven't been completely shut down but it's been hard. 

I just wonder how I'd cope with the changes we potentially discussed when this happens merely talking about it. It's times like this when I really do feel different to other people and out of step.

Parents

  • I'm in your boat too.  I wouldn't have been able to identify "incidents" in my life previously, but since allowing myself to be myself more freely, the descriptions that abound on these pages regarding overwhelm, meltdowns, shutdowns, burnouts, flapping, stimming etc all make sense when I peel back the self-imposed veil of masking.

    The terminology can be even more difficult and confusing than the behavioural affects and feelings themselves.  I can only report my experience and describe how it has worked in relation to my life.  I think I experience "meltdowns" quite regularly when I am under pressure but I cloak them with a veneer of standardised masking for NT eyes, ie, if I need to outburst some kinetic energy, I will feign being cross or become hyper happy about something....or, if I feel I need to shut down and hide, then I will feign a sulk or leave in a huff.  I thought everyone did this.  I very rarely feel the emotions described above, but "overwhelm" is something I know about baby!

    My coping behaviours are not attractive ones but they achieve what I need to happen and it's not too awful for me nor for those around me (apart from a little confusion on their part normally.)  I reckon a standard "overwhelm induced burnout" for me takes about 10% out of my capacity and it takes me about 7-10 days to return from 90% to 100%.  No drama.   This has proven to be a sustainable model for years on end, until.......

    Unfortunately, if I find myself in environments or circumstances that cause regular "overwhelm" events, then my overall capacity can drop well below 40% in a few short weeks.  With such little resource at my disposal, my masking efforts start to be rather "off" and I have been told that I start to behave in an unnerving way.  I think of this as my mask being like a TV screen flicking between channels so people watching or listening to me won't understand why they are metaphorically watching a nature documentary interspersed with a horror movie.

    I think I have reached about 5% capacity on 3-4 occasions in my adult life.

    On one of these fateful occasions, I tried to "tough-it-out" at about 5% capacity for a few months - and the inevitable happened.  I call that my major burnout.  It's like the battery has caught fire !  No amount of careful charging is going to work.

    The thing that I find interesting about all this is that your description above assigned as "shutdown" is also a very clear match for the perpetual state that I found myself at the times of my burnouts.  Nominally functional, but unreal zombie mode.

    A couple of months of R&R seemed to restore me from the "minor" burnouts, but the "major one" was many, many months.  I think they have collectively permanently damaged my overall capacity.  I'm keen not to loose more !

    This is anecdotal scribblings of my perceived experiences (supported by the very few NT's who are brave and kind enough to explain their perceptions of me - to me.)  I will be delighted to hear the science and research from better read and informed contributors.  I love to learn.

Reply

  • I'm in your boat too.  I wouldn't have been able to identify "incidents" in my life previously, but since allowing myself to be myself more freely, the descriptions that abound on these pages regarding overwhelm, meltdowns, shutdowns, burnouts, flapping, stimming etc all make sense when I peel back the self-imposed veil of masking.

    The terminology can be even more difficult and confusing than the behavioural affects and feelings themselves.  I can only report my experience and describe how it has worked in relation to my life.  I think I experience "meltdowns" quite regularly when I am under pressure but I cloak them with a veneer of standardised masking for NT eyes, ie, if I need to outburst some kinetic energy, I will feign being cross or become hyper happy about something....or, if I feel I need to shut down and hide, then I will feign a sulk or leave in a huff.  I thought everyone did this.  I very rarely feel the emotions described above, but "overwhelm" is something I know about baby!

    My coping behaviours are not attractive ones but they achieve what I need to happen and it's not too awful for me nor for those around me (apart from a little confusion on their part normally.)  I reckon a standard "overwhelm induced burnout" for me takes about 10% out of my capacity and it takes me about 7-10 days to return from 90% to 100%.  No drama.   This has proven to be a sustainable model for years on end, until.......

    Unfortunately, if I find myself in environments or circumstances that cause regular "overwhelm" events, then my overall capacity can drop well below 40% in a few short weeks.  With such little resource at my disposal, my masking efforts start to be rather "off" and I have been told that I start to behave in an unnerving way.  I think of this as my mask being like a TV screen flicking between channels so people watching or listening to me won't understand why they are metaphorically watching a nature documentary interspersed with a horror movie.

    I think I have reached about 5% capacity on 3-4 occasions in my adult life.

    On one of these fateful occasions, I tried to "tough-it-out" at about 5% capacity for a few months - and the inevitable happened.  I call that my major burnout.  It's like the battery has caught fire !  No amount of careful charging is going to work.

    The thing that I find interesting about all this is that your description above assigned as "shutdown" is also a very clear match for the perpetual state that I found myself at the times of my burnouts.  Nominally functional, but unreal zombie mode.

    A couple of months of R&R seemed to restore me from the "minor" burnouts, but the "major one" was many, many months.  I think they have collectively permanently damaged my overall capacity.  I'm keen not to loose more !

    This is anecdotal scribblings of my perceived experiences (supported by the very few NT's who are brave and kind enough to explain their perceptions of me - to me.)  I will be delighted to hear the science and research from better read and informed contributors.  I love to learn.

Children
  • in reply to Deleted User

    I don't think I can mask these things really. Everyone is affected differently and I see burnout more as a long term thing (which may for some be the result of lots of shutdowns). Shutdowns for me are more an of the moment / hours or a day kind of thing. I've learned about energy accounting because of post viral fatigue. It sounds like you were persisting through even though your energy was depleted and it led to burnout. I think I experienced some sort of shutdown most days after work. I agree that you can permanently loose capacity. I feel my executive function is a lot less since I experienced burnout a few years ago. I'm not sure I ever fully recovered tbh. I think learning from others is really important to help understand what we go through!

    Unknown said:
    the descriptions that abound on these pages regarding overwhelm, meltdowns, shutdowns, burnouts, flapping, stimming etc all make sense when I peel back the self-imposed veil of masking.

    I still don't know about stimming. I can't identify with it but I think that's cos I just read about more obvious forms of it so can't relate to it.