Romantic Attachment changing ASD

Neurotypical behaviour involves secret codes which understand hierarchy. It involves fluidly manoeuvring through a competitive and neurotic socius without a hitch. It involves maybe being drained by others but knowing what's expected, what others are actually saying when they express a thing and then the ability to mature through Sublimation, understanding society is structured through this psychoanalytic concept involving guilt and debt. And then the ability to suppress unwanted incoming signals - filter them out. Be it others emotions or sensory assault of some sort. To a degree. 

This Filtering Out and 'innate' understanding of social codes are the distinct separation between Non-Autistic and Autistic. This seems simple, when it is anything but.

What you're experiencing is another human who is looking for Trust-worthiness in their partner and responding appropriately. Trust is something we internally must build daily through being respectful and caring about the other. This builds connexion and must be thoughtfully engaged in small ways. So what you're experiencing is the wax and wane of the other 'Feeling connected'. If you then create some kind of distance, emotional or psychological or physical, the other will then respond appropriately, first they may feel it and then you may see their unmet desire for connexion in resulting behaviour. 

Relationships are a bit of effort. And humans can bring out the best in one another or the worst. A good relationship will eventually find it's balance. 

Wow thanks for such a detailed description. Yes definitely you are right. It is very true that its hard to filter out all the stimulus, and for me I get overwhelmed by the cues as well.

I think the biggest struggle for my ASD girlfriend is that figuring out the intentions of others is very difficult, subtext and social signals seem like an alien language to her. It almost feels as though she manages to catch on to one or two phrases of this hidden social language when she feels secure.

Wow you must have spent alot of time thinking about this. It would be super to have you share more of what you know. It is really sad how misunderstood ASD people are. 

Wow thanks for such a detailed description. Yes definitely you are right. It is very true that its hard to filter out all the stimulus, and for me I get overwhelmed by the cues as well.

I think the biggest struggle for my ASD girlfriend is that figuring out the intentions of others is very difficult, subtext and social signals seem like an alien language to her. It almost feels as though she manages to catch on to one or two phrases of this hidden social language when she feels secure.

Wow you must have spent alot of time thinking about this. It would be super to have you share more of what you know. It is really sad how misunderstood ASD people are. 

Thanks. I have spent years thinking about all of this and changing my environment, my perspectives - I do hope to take this knowledge and express it somehow in impactful ways. I also have difficulty with working out how to connect with society at large, though. I have simply managed to pay attention in different ways and have found there are individuals who might not be autistic but seem to better understand how we communicate. So it's a slow process finding out how to share a thing.

When you say she manages to catch a few phrases better while 'feeling' more confident, there are a few things here in motion that need more analysis. First, most individuals are Attracted to those who exude a self-clarity or 'happiness' - for lack of a better term. They may simply be responding in positive ways to your girlfriend's current mental state. Second, when we feel taken care of and cared for, supported, we're not navigating life in Survival Mode. We can feel a little more liberated to give or invest into the world around. This might mean rather than double checking for safety or internally analysing the self, we're more out-ward focused on Others, sending our thoughts and our moments in time toward them rather than worried about the Self. This has a positive effect as well. It's a shifting of focus and it can be draining, too, but simply having this capacity because you have evidence supporting the knowledge that someone else has your back, is life-giving. These things change our ability to redirect focus or attention. Survival is depleting. 

Essentially she's not doing something miraculous. Just responding appropriately to human needs being met. She doesn't gain or lose this ability. We're not completely illiterate - ha! But we do perceive things in different ways. If she does seem to find better ways to negotiate, it could also be her confidence is making others feel at ease and when this happens, NeuroTypicals are less distrusting of us and might be less covert and more interested in having integration (integrity) between their intention and words. A common complaint Autistics experience is that NTs cannot 'get a read' on us. And they can't. That's why the Double Empathy problem exists, which is the ability to Relate with and Respond as expected (otherwise known as Empathy).