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Romantic Attachment changing ASD

737maxpilot

I don't know if this is the case for everyone, whenever my ASD girlfriend has some good quality bonding time with me, it often follows with a day or two burst of NT behaviour. She suddenly seems to be able to understand some jokes, and feels more comfortable in negotiating larger social contexts. She doesn't know how to describe her sudden desire to hug me, explaining that "I know hugs release oxytocin". 

She then reverts back to her normal self. She normally hates hugs and all forms of physical contact, and feels more comfortable in smaller social interactions where there is no need to negotiate so many conversations at once.

Does romance change ASD attributes in other people as well? 

Parents

  • Neurotypical behaviour involves secret codes which understand hierarchy. It involves fluidly manoeuvring through a competitive and neurotic socius without a hitch. It involves maybe being drained by others but knowing what's expected, what others are actually saying when they express a thing and then the ability to mature through Sublimation, understanding society is structured through this psychoanalytic concept involving guilt and debt. And then the ability to suppress unwanted incoming signals - filter them out. Be it others emotions or sensory assault of some sort. To a degree. 

    This Filtering Out and 'innate' understanding of social codes are the distinct separation between Non-Autistic and Autistic. This seems simple, when it is anything but.

    What you're experiencing is another human who is looking for Trust-worthiness in their partner and responding appropriately. Trust is something we internally must build daily through being respectful and caring about the other. This builds connexion and must be thoughtfully engaged in small ways. So what you're experiencing is the wax and wane of the other 'Feeling connected'. If you then create some kind of distance, emotional or psychological or physical, the other will then respond appropriately, first they may feel it and then you may see their unmet desire for connexion in resulting behaviour. 

    Relationships are a bit of effort. And humans can bring out the best in one another or the worst. A good relationship will eventually find it's balance. 

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  • Neurotypical behaviour involves secret codes which understand hierarchy. It involves fluidly manoeuvring through a competitive and neurotic socius without a hitch. It involves maybe being drained by others but knowing what's expected, what others are actually saying when they express a thing and then the ability to mature through Sublimation, understanding society is structured through this psychoanalytic concept involving guilt and debt. And then the ability to suppress unwanted incoming signals - filter them out. Be it others emotions or sensory assault of some sort. To a degree. 

    This Filtering Out and 'innate' understanding of social codes are the distinct separation between Non-Autistic and Autistic. This seems simple, when it is anything but.

    What you're experiencing is another human who is looking for Trust-worthiness in their partner and responding appropriately. Trust is something we internally must build daily through being respectful and caring about the other. This builds connexion and must be thoughtfully engaged in small ways. So what you're experiencing is the wax and wane of the other 'Feeling connected'. If you then create some kind of distance, emotional or psychological or physical, the other will then respond appropriately, first they may feel it and then you may see their unmet desire for connexion in resulting behaviour. 

    Relationships are a bit of effort. And humans can bring out the best in one another or the worst. A good relationship will eventually find it's balance. 

Children
  • in reply to JuniperFromGallifrey

    Wow thanks for such a detailed description. Yes definitely you are right. It is very true that its hard to filter out all the stimulus, and for me I get overwhelmed by the cues as well.

    I think the biggest struggle for my ASD girlfriend is that figuring out the intentions of others is very difficult, subtext and social signals seem like an alien language to her. It almost feels as though she manages to catch on to one or two phrases of this hidden social language when she feels secure.

    Wow you must have spent alot of time thinking about this. It would be super to have you share more of what you know. It is really sad how misunderstood ASD people are.