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“We’ll cross that bridge when it comes to it”

NAS82844

Hi all, I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in struggling to cope with not knowing what the “plan” is for the day- eg. What we are doing after what we’re doing now, what if things don’t work out the way I hope etc… 

I have tried to explain to family and friends for actual YEARS that yes, I’m sorry that I am annoying you because I am asking what is happening all the time, but I REALLY struggle with this.

Some examples I can think of off the top of my head that range from causing full on meltdowns to just raising my anxiety levels are:

when i was about 6 my mom took me and my siblings to the cinema- there was a Pizza Hut next door and we’d been there on a different occasion after the movie- I’d asked if we were going this time and my mom said she’d tell me after the film. No big deal right? But I was unable to focus on the rest of the movie because I was anxious about not knowing what was happening next- my sister came back from the toilet with my mom a little later before the end of the film and whispered to me that we WERE going to get pizza. She likes to wind me up as siblings do so I asked my mom again. She said she’d tell me later. I asked again and again (my biggest flaw to this day) same answer from mom.

after the film she said that she had planned to take us for pizza, but due to my questioning, I had ruined it for everyone and we would eat at home. Being 6, I had a meltdown due to the anger of my siblings, mom, the lack of knowing what was happening, etc. 

I was punished for throwing a tantrum over pizza, and much as I love pizza lol I wouldn’t have cared more than “awww nah” if we weren’t getting it- the uncertainty is my problem.

last year, I’d just got out of a violent relationship and it was going to court. I asked my parents what if I wasn’t believed and she was found not guilty. They told me that this would not happen, there was enough evidence, etc. etc. 

then would talk about the incompetence of the officer assigned to my case ( my parents are also both police officers) and their lack of faith in the criminal justice system etc.

I asked again. Same answer. Again. Same answer, until I gave up. 
my worst fears came true. I had the biggest meltdown I’ve had in years, was asked to leave my parents house due to my rude behaviour (I was very upset that I’d asked them to help me prepare for this outcome and this made them angry) and go back to my flat ( which they were the guarantors of, they agreed if i was ever unable to pay my rent they would pay it for one month only before I had to leave, please know I’m very grateful for this )

I worked with my ex still- people who had been mates for years suddenly started questioning me and saying I must be lying as she was found not guilty. I had a breakdown at work, lost my job. My parents stepped in and paid that one months rent, I was spiralling downwards so I stayed at a friends for 3 nights as I was losing my mind I felt.

My mom texted me to ask me to hand my keys in, she’d spoken to my landlord and ended my tenancy, due to the way I’d spoken to her when I lost the court case. I rushed to my flat, it was empty.

The last phone call we ever had she told me she’d thrown away all my possessions. I lost everything, I told her I had no where to go, my friend could not put me up in her single room in a shared house any longer as her landlord was threatening to give her a warning. Nothing. I was homeless for 6 months, finally have a room in a shared house myself.

why do people get so angry when I ask questions to try and prepare for whatever outcome is next? 

  • in reply to I Sperg

    I remembered the Flight Simulation round on The Krypton Factor. (The good old days of Monday evening TV, whenever Nature show Survival came after Corrie)

    Most competetors hadn't a Scooby. I would have been the same; mind. 

  • in reply to I Sperg

    Haha, ah well, glad to be of some kind of inspiration for however long it lasts.

    And yes, I could be guilty of self preservation as a reasonable statement for why I'm not a fan of "amusement" rides. Even if I manage to stop thinking about all the ways they could go wrong and have a brief encounter with being amused. 

  • in reply to JuniperFromGallifrey

    Thank you for that JuniperFromGalifrey. I've issues around the subject myself and have just ordered the first book myself. 

    The problem with long term parental and other psychological abuse, is that the victim can often then go on to be an abuser themselves and/or keep rushing into the same situations again and again. Some (maybe most) abusers I've observed simply don't seem to realise that they are in fact abusing people.

    I believe some people just "learn what works and then do that" being genuinely blind to the abuse they are handing out. 

    I do enjoy your postings JFG, and often consider your advice as coming from a similar place to my own, but expressed with much better clarity and gentleness.

    I've decided to "follow you" for a while, which is very much against my nature, and I'm sure it won't go on for long..

    I neither like leading or following although when driving or flying I definitely do like to be holding the controls, but I see that as less about leading, and more about self preservation, to quote the inimitable Mel Gibson, "I crash better than anyone else I know".

    A combination of youthful stupidity and exuberance on motorcycles followed by very high mileage car driving gave me my knowledge of how well I crash compared to there people, and whilst I haven't actually binned an aeroplane, there was that one multiple landing* that wanted to become an accident... *A Multiple landing is where one arrives at the touchdown point carrying too much vertical speed resulting in a bounce, or in my case three separate and distinct landings at different angles of approach. The first being on the grass strip, the next being half in the ploughed field, the next being half on the runway, with the final part of the landing back on the grass strip again. When I went up in the tower to pay my fee, the guy was still laughing... 

  • Oh wow, some of this is incredibly cruel and actual sadism.

    I've had similar experiences, especially being punished for difficulty with uncertainty by those who use it for domination. I don't speak with my mother for some similar experiences. 

    There's a book called Safe People by two authors, Cloud & Townsend. They also wrote a book called Boundaries. I would hands down recommend both of these books. They're two therapists who are Christians and have tried to help individuals in toxic situations, especially in the church, but I've not come across any other books at this level of practical help. 

    Once read, I might also suggest to pick up a copy of a really horrifying book called the 48 Laws of Power which exposes different ways of dominating others, and for someone who's been abused by others, helps us begin to recognise/identify when it's happening. Sometimes the ability to clearly identify a seemingly invisible system at work, can bring a type of resolution and help us exit. The first two books can then be applied to exit any situation where you feel compromised or understand if the other is worth creating a resolve with.

    The goal is to learn to identify the difference between healthy boundaries (and how to create them) vs abuse (and how to exit it).

    Psychological abuse is much harder to spot than physical. 

    The use of Indefinite Postponement has been around as long as humans have had slaves. Massive corporations use it in a form of ghosting, it is textbook material for unhealthy relationships. And it is quite a vile way of keeping unsuspecting prey at your disposal. Healthy, mature individuals SHOULD have a "problem" with uncertainty. It's unkind at best, reckless, and dehumanising at worst.

    For most autistic individuals, we can have difficulty being stuck in the present. So, making plans, even if things don't go perfect, is at least a direction for life. You deserve a better outcome x

  • "After the film she said that she had planned to take us for pizza, but due to my questioning, I had ruined it for everyone and we would eat at home."

    That's nasty psychological *** of the sort I recognise.

    If you've had a childhood full of that, it will have been very bruising psychologically, and worse, may have set you up for more of it.

    PUT distance between you. Family that doesn't love you, is poisonous to the soul.

    And there is so much more of that nowadays...

    If you have any connection to god, then now is the time to ASK for some guidance and help... I did, and eventually I got some. You sounds like you've been through a lot, and still you've got enough nous to ask WHY?

    You MIGHT find the book I recommend in my profile, gives you some answers and useful insights into both what has happened to you and how to select the most positive response.

    Keep asking your questions, but try to get better at finding your own answers. Normal people lie when you ask them an awkward question.

    They also play power games around "information", (Covid-19, anyone?) which as you found out when you were six, are way more important than the health and happiness of their child, sometimes..

    Maybe you'll like the opening words of this: (When they finally happen, it's a "concept album"..)

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2gsqrqsNsf8

    Also THIS I found very helpful to understand some of my own issues. You may find it helpful to see the role your parents are playing in this current social paradigm, and how it has impacted your own life..

    www.youtube.com/watch

  • People think their way is law.

    Our brains are wired differently.