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Physical disassociation

Allfunktup

I wrote a post a while back about not really knowing what I look like, and it was hard to describe.  I could really say what I meant at the time.  I came across a something called "physical disassociation in a book about masking and wanted to know if this sounds familiar to anyone.

As a professional masker for many years now, all of my perceptions of physical myself are based on other peoples opinions. When I was younger I was known as Hair Cut 1000, as I changed my hair all the time.  I did that because every time I changed it, people would tell me what would "really look good" and I would do it. Eventually it upset me and I got dreadlocks and don't change it much now.  However, at the moment I find it hard to choose clothing and make up as I will just where whatever people tell me suits me. It's a bad problem with foundations as I can colour match and take other peoples opinions and I'm never sure if it looks right. If I'm around people long enough, my "personality" does the same thing.  I find that really upsetting as it's like being caught up in a tornado and is why I isolate so much.

As I try to reduce my masking, I've hit the floor as I don't know how much of what I do I like, and what I was just copying which makes me very reluctant to pick up any of my old activities or spend time with people. Does this seem familiar to anyone?

  • in reply to Allfunktup

    ah nightwear I always quite enjoy buying, because then it is just 'is it comfy and soft and the right clothes for the warmth of the room' not 'is it appropriate' because a limited amount of people will see me in my nightwear (boyfriend, the cats, an unlucky delivery person) and I will be so 90% asleep in those situations that I couldn't care less :P

  • in reply to Dawn

    I used to collect nightwear, and when I'm home that is what I like to wear.  Lounge stuff is similar I suppose.  I think now I know what's going on I'm trying to reduce my masking a little where I can so I have to search for things ME likes, or like you say learn "how I feel in a particular thing". I think I just have to focus on that now.

    Thanks

  • Personally, I loath dress codes. But if it's for work purposes and you must cater to public opinion, I'd just ask the boss what they expect and wear that.

    Outside of work, your body, your image and your style are, of course, entirely your own.  I'm sorry you seem to be feeling so down about these things.  I'm trying hard to wrap my head around it because I am rather the other way.  I know what I do or don't like and care not two hoots what anyone else thinks about it.  I'm wearing it, not them.  It only matters that I like it.

    Is there nothing that just makes you feel comfortable when no one else is around?  If there is, maybe that's what you need to be wearing more often.  It's ultimately about how you feel in a particular thing, not about whether anyone else likes it or not.

    I often think others have strange tastes and don't like what they wear, but presumably they do.  Good for them!  Style really is in the eye of the beholder.

  • I wear the exact same outfit everyday.  That stops any worry about what I should wear.  It means that NT's are either forced to imagine that my clothes define me OR that my clothes cannot in anyway be used to define me.  I love the fact that this is one problem that I've loaded onto other brains to keep mine free for way more important stuff.

  • in reply to NAS90609
    NAS90609 said:
    to present as professional and sharp (but not too sharp!), casual (but not too casual!)

    that's a nightmare. I'd rather wear suit, with loosened tie, tightened chokes me. 

  • I'm not sure if this will be of any help to you - but my neurotypical partner is going through a very similar time right now.

    They've had some work changes that will mean less of the corporate uniform - but they still need to present as professional and sharp (but not too sharp!), casual (but not too casual!) and also of a certain age and every other stereotype people like them have to try and navigate.

    It's completely thrown them - they have no idea what they look like when they're not dressing to someone else's standards and I've never seen them like this before.

    There's been a lot of trying new stuff on and a lot of trips to the post office to send stuff back!

  • in reply to Mariusz

    That how I am in my home now. But the transition for work feels a lot harder. But we're talking about 51 years of masking, most of it to find work, work out what people like. Many mess ups along the way, and watching how others are marked down, or marked up. No other financial support etc. You learn what people want to see. Women have to do in in many ways anyway, but I relied a lot on other opinions.  My hair is the only thing I took back, many because people assume that you've made this big spiritual epiphany and leave you alone, which is a relief.

    That's what I mean about a PRO masker - I never had time to stop.  During the Lockdowns, I got to look around and see, well, not a lot. Not much of me I think.

  • Copying copycats are you young padawan? and their strange fascination with outlook? I could never get it,

    I've got no tattoos, no piercings, nothing of current fashion, or any previous fashion

    The furthest i did go in masking was to blend in, to look unrecognisable, unnoticable, clothes in pale colours, or just grey'/black, once I developed my basic model I copy it ever since.

    But my physical disassociation took different turn - I don't care about my looks, or anybody looks. The only thing I do about my body is to sustain it, to make it keep going. And because i am not interested in 'looks'it's easier to avoid socialising, or going out to find friends/partners. For me they could as well be completely virtual, or even fictional.

    It's only logical