Hi all,
I hope everyone is doing well. I just wanted to create an off the cuff post about myself, some of my struggles as an autistic adult and to possibly look for some friends with similar interests. It might be fairly lengthy, so if that doesn't sound like your thing please feel free to skip.
Rant/General Word Vomit
At the age of 25 I was diagnosed with, at the time, Asperger's (Which I believe we should use the term ASD now) after 2 years of being passed from pillar to post, GP's, professionals, waiting lists, etc. I was officially diagnosed, it was recommended I also have a chat with my GP regarding ADHD and OCD. I am now 29 and I have been fighting with my GP for years to, at the request of the professionals who diagnosed me ASD, to seek clarification and assistance for my ADHD traits. I am 90% certain I struggle with ADHD and the combination of ASD + ADHD is no fun whatsoever.
When looking for financial support, I applied for PIP when my mental health was so low I wouldn't leave the house or cook food. I was rejected with 0 points. One year later I tried again with the help of Citizens Advice, who were unbelievably helpful and thought my case every step of the way. I was rejected again. And again. My appeal was rejected with ableist terms like "You attended a mainstream school and University without any support, so I have decided there are no cognitive impairments." My PIP case went to a tribunal, in which the DWP couldn't be *@!$& to show up to, to defend their own case. After going through years of misery and stress, they did not care to even show face. I was eventually granted PIP after this appeal and years of work. I will be forever grateful to Citizens Advice for this, and I recommend anyone struggling with PIP to contact your local Citizens Advice BEFORE even starting the application process as they will essentially complete the forms for you.
And ever since, I have been struggling. I have a Honours degree in I.T and was unable to grant a job as the job market seems so far skewed to Neurotypicals, especially the ableist aptitude and personality tests that several employer's ask candidates to complete. I have been unemployed for 3-4 years now and I am severely struggling to find work. I am now at the point of not knowing what I want to do but being unable to sit down and learn new skills as I struggle (partially why I believe ADHD would be a correct diagnosis). I don't even know what I want to do, what I want to learn or what environment I would like to work in (I just know I do not want to work in an office). I have been surrounded by computers and technology my entire life, but I am struggling to find what to specialise in. For example, I have attempted to learn coding and I struggle with it. I completed a college qualification in Games Development, I have qualifications in Mental Health Related issues and Autism Awareness.
I simply have no direction, drive, end goal or motivation other than money to live a more comfortable life. But the idea of working a full time job again fills me with so much anxiety and dread - I believe I was not born to fit the mold of the current working world. I find no satisfaction in working 40+ hours per week for not enough pay, just so I can pay ever-inflating bills. That doesn't sound pleasing.
When it comes to friendships; I had friends from nursery, through primary school and high school. When I went to college and we all went our separate paths, we were still great friends and would frequently go to football matches, to bars, cinema and stay up late watching NFL. During college I met another great friend and we both went to university together and were pretty much inseparable. He moved to Australia, and then back to the UK and we still spoke a lot. Over the last year or so even this relationship seems to be dwindling and I am pretty much left with no friends to share experiences with, play video games, talk about movies or tv shows with, etc.
During my last period of employment I met another person I considered a friend, we spoke a lot, played video games, went to bars, etc for 2 years or so. Our contracts ended and we still kept in touch a lot. He eventually got in to a relationship and stopped talking to me, for the most part. Wouldn't reply to any simple messages asking how he was, etc and then would send a random message weeks later. I believe his relationship is no longer together and he tried to message me one month ago. I have not replied back and I don't plan on it; as people using me when they feel has been a constant theme throughout my life.
I have my partner and she is wonderful, a life saver and extremely supportive. I am so appreciative for the help she has provided me and we make a great team.
I have noticed as I have got older, I have become more and more intolerable to the games most Neurotypical's play; darting around situations, assuming what you have said even though you speak bluntly and chose your words carefully, be nice to your face and talk behind your back, call you a friend and then drop you like a bad smell when something better comes along, one sided conversations, only speaking to you when they need or want something, getting offended when they ask a question and you provide an answer (because it wasn't the answer they wanted to hear). I have become very jaded and conscious when it comes to others now as I question everyone's intentions.
As a male, the older you get the less friends you have, for the most part. This is something I have heard for a long time and it seems to be the case. Apparently, males struggle to make new friends after their late twenties and many males struggle with crippling loneliness, which is heart-breaking as we all deserve a support system. A group of people, no matter how large or small to lift each other up, support, go on trips with, head to the pub, random phone calls, playing video games, sport, etc with. It is an innate human interaction that many males and especially autistic people struggle with and lack in their lives, myself included.
I am fed up of everything being so acutely difficult, from sensory issues, to constantly being belittle by the British Government for being disabled and everything in-between. My brain thinks in a logical manner and I witness so much illogical nonsense day-to-day that it has began to impact my mood, even if I am aware that these things are small and shouldn't impact me. For example, taking your children to the supermarket at 11pm and letting them run riot, screaming and throwing things on the floor just because it is more "empty", standing in the doorways of shops, moving out the way of people when walking down the street, only for them to move over to you 10 seconds later and squeeze in between yourself and someone else or a wall rather than taking the larger, more optimal route. I am fed up of the innate selfishness I come across in people and the "me, me, me" attitude that has become so prevalent in Britain now.
Why is it so difficult to communicate? For example, I have constantly been told I am communicate in a very blunt manner. I know I do. I have chosen to communicate this way and I specifically chose what words I want to convey in conversation, because every word has a meaning behind it. I don't cower behind hidden agenda's or meanings. Why do people not like to communicate in a way that is clear? Why would you rather dance around the situation and pray I can read your mind and come to the conclusion YOU WANT ME TO and not my own conclusion.
I would love to have some friends I am able to sit down and play some video games with, talk sport, comic books, TV and movies.
Importantly, where is the support for autistic adults in the UK? I was diagnosed at 25 years old. I am not dead. I still deserve the same support that a 3, 5, 10 or 18 year old does! Why does support for autistic individuals mostly end at the age of 25? What happens if you are like me and are diagnosed after this arbitrary cut off? "Oh well". Do we not deserve anything?
Most of all; I would love to just be MYSELF and not need to mask to fit the mold of an unwelcoming world. A world that if you wear ear defenders in public will judge you, but will actively post generic things about accepting individuals and positive mental health support all over social media. I don't want to constantly mask, it is exhausting. But I have become so conditioned to doing it to fit in.
I am tired.
I promise I am not always this down, frustrated, moany, but I am just feeling so frustrated and let down lately.
