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Autistic adult male - Struggles with friendship, employment, motivation, drive, support and mental health - Rant.

Andrew

Hi all,

I hope everyone is doing well. I just wanted to create an off the cuff post about myself, some of my struggles as an autistic adult and to possibly look for some friends with similar interests. It might be fairly lengthy, so if that doesn't sound like your thing please feel free to skip.

Rant/General Word Vomit

At the age of 25 I was diagnosed with, at the time, Asperger's (Which I believe we should use the term ASD now) after 2 years of being passed from pillar to post, GP's, professionals, waiting lists, etc. I was officially diagnosed, it was recommended I also have a chat with my GP regarding ADHD and OCD. I am now 29 and I have been fighting with my GP for years to, at the request of the professionals who diagnosed me ASD, to seek clarification and assistance for my ADHD traits. I am 90% certain I struggle with ADHD and the combination of ASD + ADHD is no fun whatsoever.

When looking for financial support, I applied for PIP when my mental health was so low I wouldn't leave the house or cook food.  I was rejected with 0 points.  One year later I tried again with the help of Citizens Advice, who were unbelievably helpful and thought my case every step of the way. I was rejected again.  And again.  My appeal was rejected with ableist terms like "You attended a mainstream school and University without any support, so I have decided there are no cognitive impairments." My PIP case went to a tribunal, in which the DWP couldn't be *@!$& to show up to, to defend their own case.  After going through years of misery and stress, they did not care to even show face.  I was eventually granted PIP after this appeal and years of work. I will be forever grateful to Citizens Advice for this, and I recommend anyone struggling with PIP to contact your local Citizens Advice BEFORE even starting the application process as they will essentially complete the forms for you.

And ever since, I have been struggling.  I have a Honours degree in I.T and was unable to grant a job as the job market seems so far skewed to Neurotypicals, especially the ableist aptitude and personality tests that several employer's ask candidates to complete. I have been unemployed for 3-4 years now and I am severely struggling to find work.  I am now at the point of not knowing what I want to do but being unable to sit down and learn new skills as I struggle (partially why I believe ADHD would be a correct diagnosis). I don't even know what I want to do, what I want to learn or what environment I would like to work in (I just know I do not want to work in an office).  I have been surrounded by computers and technology my entire life, but I am struggling to find what to specialise in.  For example, I have attempted to learn coding and I struggle with it. I completed a college qualification in Games Development, I have qualifications in Mental Health Related issues and Autism Awareness. 

I simply have no direction, drive, end goal or motivation other than money to live a more comfortable life.  But the idea of working a full time job again fills me with so much anxiety and dread - I believe I was not born to fit the mold of the current working world.  I find no satisfaction in working 40+ hours per week for not enough pay, just so I can pay ever-inflating bills. That doesn't sound pleasing. 

When it comes to friendships; I had friends from nursery, through primary school and high school. When I went to college and we all went our separate paths, we were still great friends and would frequently go to football matches, to bars, cinema and stay up late watching NFL. During college I met another great friend and we both went to university together and were pretty much inseparable.  He moved to Australia, and then back to the UK and we still spoke a lot. Over the last year or so even this relationship seems to be dwindling and I am pretty much left with no friends to share experiences with, play video games, talk about movies or tv shows with, etc.

During my last period of employment I met another person I considered a friend, we spoke a lot, played video games, went to bars, etc for 2 years or so. Our contracts ended and we still kept in touch a lot. He eventually got in to a relationship and stopped talking to me, for the most part. Wouldn't reply to any simple messages asking how he was, etc and then would send a random message weeks later.  I believe his relationship is no longer together and he tried to message me one month ago.  I have not replied back and I don't plan on it; as people using me when they feel has been a constant theme throughout my life.

I have my partner and she is wonderful, a life saver and extremely supportive.  I am so appreciative for the help she has provided me and we make a great team.

I have noticed as I have got older, I have become more and more intolerable to the games most Neurotypical's play; darting around situations, assuming what you have said even though you speak bluntly and chose your words carefully, be nice to your face and talk behind your back, call you a friend and then drop you like a bad smell when something better comes along, one sided conversations, only speaking to you when they need or want something, getting offended when they ask a question and you provide an answer (because it wasn't the answer they wanted to hear). I have become very jaded and conscious when it comes to others now as I question everyone's intentions. 

As a male, the older you get the less friends you have, for the most part.  This is something I have heard for a long time and it seems to be the case. Apparently, males struggle to make new friends after their late twenties and many males struggle with crippling loneliness, which is heart-breaking as we all deserve a support system.  A group of people, no matter how large or small to lift each other up, support, go on trips with, head to the pub, random phone calls, playing video games, sport, etc with. It is an innate human interaction that many males and especially autistic people struggle with and lack in their lives, myself included. 

I am fed up of everything being so acutely difficult, from sensory issues, to constantly being belittle by the British Government for being disabled and everything in-between. My brain thinks in a logical manner and I witness so much illogical nonsense day-to-day that it has began to impact my mood, even if I am aware that these things are small and shouldn't impact me. For example, taking your children to the supermarket at 11pm and letting them run riot, screaming and throwing things on the floor just because it is more "empty", standing in the doorways of shops, moving out the way of people when walking down the street, only for them to move over to you 10 seconds later and squeeze in between yourself and someone else or a wall rather than taking the larger, more optimal route.  I am fed up of the innate selfishness I come across in people and the "me, me, me" attitude that has become so prevalent in Britain now.

Why is it so difficult to communicate? For example, I have constantly been told I am communicate in a very blunt manner.  I know I do.  I have chosen to communicate this way and I specifically chose what words I want to convey in conversation, because every word has a meaning behind it.  I don't cower behind hidden agenda's or meanings. Why do people not like to communicate in a way that is clear? Why would you rather dance around the situation and pray I can read your mind and come to the conclusion YOU WANT ME TO and not my own conclusion. 

I would love to have some friends I am able to sit down and play some video games with, talk sport, comic books, TV and movies. 

Importantly, where is the support for autistic adults in the UK?  I was diagnosed at 25 years old.  I am not dead.  I still deserve the same support that a 3, 5, 10 or 18 year old does! Why does support for autistic individuals mostly end at the age of 25? What happens if you are like me and are diagnosed after this arbitrary cut off? "Oh well". Do we not deserve anything?

Most of all; I would love to just be MYSELF and not need to mask to fit the mold of an unwelcoming world. A world that if you wear ear defenders in public will judge you, but will actively post generic things about accepting individuals and positive mental health support all over social media. I don't want to constantly mask, it is exhausting.  But I have become so conditioned to doing it to fit in.

I am tired.

I promise I am not always this down, frustrated, moany, but I am just feeling so frustrated and let down lately. 

  • Andrew said:
    I have my partner and she is wonderful, a life saver and extremely supportive.  I am so appreciative for the help she has provided me and we make a great team.

    There's a lot in your post that resonates with me and my life and my perception of the world - and I'm pretty sure a lot of those things will resonate with other people on here - but this one bit stood out as really important so I hope you don't mind me calling it out.

    From my own experience it's easy to be so exhausted by what isn't working and what isn't right in the outside world that I sometimes don't leave enough energy to nurture the few things in my own world that are working - like having a partner that brings some good into my life in amongst all the crap.

    Making time to show them they're loved and awesome and appreciated makes us both feel better about ourselves and each other and helps strengthen us both a little for dealing with how utterly broken so many other things are.

  • in reply to Andrew

    I've been told that many times.

    One solution is to be have several CVs.  Different ones for different jobs and level of expertise.

    One CV should be honest and accurate.

    It's very difficult to pass an interview when your qualifications are higher than the interviewers and your potential boss.

  • Could you perhaps work in an education environment if you managed to get your own degree ok?

    I would say, you only live once. Just once.

    This is obvious of course, but, I think we get so bogged down by the limitations we find in living in a NT world, we forget that same world is also a ND world - we can create, mold, and overcome challenges like anyone else on the planet.

    Where that person has a disability, the next person struggles because of a narcissistic personality. Where that person has a support system, they may also have health challenges.

    What I'm trying to say is, what in your life is going well? Are you healthy? Do you have any experiences with friendship you might be able to pass on to those who have never had any close friendships? ...making you a good counsellor, therapists or coach one day perhaps?

    Doing things for others, or a purpose or cause, not only helps those you assist, but you will find makes you feel good and makes you very useful. Perhaps this is a good place to start?

    It's great you got PIP, many of us don't. It's great you have made friends at different points in your life, many of us really struggle there. It's great you have an education for one of the most affluent countries in the world, just turn on the news to see people literally killing themselves to get that opportunity.

    I say, stand up and put your hand up, and offer to share what you do have going for you because from where I'm standing it sounds like it is more than you are giving credence to?

    You only live once remember, so how do you want your one story to be written? Grab a pen, and go write a classic tale for yourself, because you can do everything and anything that anyone else can do, of that I am sure Slight smile

    Oh, and meditate, every morning. There you will discover things inside yourself that are very very good.

    Good luck my friend

  • Hi Andrew,

    There is so much in your message here that many autistic people will relate to. Friendships can drift away in the way you describe and it can be hurtful and dispiriting. I’m so glad you have your partner and that your relationship is so strong and positive- that’s wonderful, 

    Youre 100% right about the lack of support for autistic adults. The job market is very challenging for many autistic adults - and all the qualifications we can often achieve often don’t translate into the career we might want or deserve. It’s no easy. Your experience with PIP is sadly also very familiar and very common for autistic people. Thank goodness for Citizens Advice. All the stress of appeals etc takes a terrible toll on people though - it’s totally unacceptable. 

    I’d love to write more but it’s late and I’m very tired! However I just wanted to send you my best wishes - and to say that I very much agree with so much of what you’ve written here. It can feel like a very harsh and unfriendly world sometimes. There are good people too though - and because of that there is always hope. All the very best to you :) 

  • Hi- I was diagnosed 2 weeks ago at age 25 too. And I also realised there is no support for autistic adults. I also went through school doing well academically and I have a university degree. I struggled socially at school and uni was better but I had a lot of issues the past years-  I sometimes get the feeeling people assume that because we appeared to function for the past 25 years of our lives therefore we should be able to continue to function indefinitely with no support. I myself put myself down a lot before I knew I was autistic wondering why I was struggling so much and just couldn't do it any more. From what I can tell it happens often that we appear to cope but at some point we just cannot keep it up. I ended up in quite bad burnout and even now I am at the end of my energy. It takes so much effort and we accumulate so much damage when trying to keep it all together in this world that isn't always suited to our needs- maybe we need even more support because we were diagnosed late and spend years accumulating damage and getting worn out and maybe even trying to be someone we couldn't be. I felt quite frustrated too with the medical profession. I think they are not taught/educated well about autism and a lot of this comes from ignorance- I actually started reaching out to some of the professionals that missed my autism but probablly should have noticed- I was inpatient for 8 weeks once due to mental health (and getting worse during that time) and they didn't realise I was autistic- I think my email to them will probably ignored but it made me better to reach out and tell them that I had now been diagnosed with ASD (I wrote it with no judgment just stating it as an information)- I hope that maybe at some point being autistic will be better understood. 

    Don't worry at all about moaning- it is good to moan and I can relate to your frustration- it is justified. I felt very frustrated about the lack of support when I finally had the official diagnosis- I think part of me had assumed I would be able to access at least some kind of more specialised help or any help at all... 

    I am accepting more and more that relying on medical professionals for help is not going to happen (and in fact might exacerbate things)- I try to tell myself that there is a lot I can do myself to make things better- at least now I know I am autistic. And there is a lot of wisdom in this community. 

    Regardng friends, I have found that the best chance is to meet people through a shared interest. which is easier said than done... for me I met a few people that I connected to at university but that was the first time I had friends and I think I was extremely lucky that at my university there were quite a lot of likeminded people (and most of my friends actually are neurodivergent though I only found out recently when my own neurodivergence came to light). Is there any interest you have/ activity you enjoy doing that might increase the probability of you coming into contact with the right people? Making friends with the right people is easier than you think- I was surprised myself when I made friends without trying at uni when I had spent years friendless at school- I just hadn't come accross the right people. Now I struggle to make new friends too because I am not really in the university environment anymore that put me into contact with people I could connect to... so it's much harder. But it is possible. There are people out there that you will connect to and can hopefully be yourself with (I still struggle a bit with that as it is so hard to know what the real you is after so much masking). 

  • in reply to Andrew

    Yes, exactly, why? I need answer to that question too.

    But job is boring, most of colleagues can't say more than smalltalk demands, but myself I find tidying things rewarding and so I focus on that, most of my time at work I do decarding

    But it pays my bills, and I can't get anything else, I went through all help possible, including Employment Officer I had assigned from local council, I paid to have my CV redone, and for training, I heard million times I am doing great and that I'll surely get a job, so far nothing

  • in reply to Andrew

    I feel the same way; about being punished for a degree. They wouldn't allow me to apply for the Employability course - my brother was on, at the time - due to my degree.

  • I jumped the gun, and was diagnosed as a 12 year-old - I'm 43 now - after Mum read about Asperger's Syndrome in an edition of Bella; wasn't today, or yesterday.

    I Graduated in 2001; but had f**k-all experience. The degree meant diddly-squat in the end. However, I learned about life. My mum developed Parkinson's and Motor Neurone Diseases simultaneously, but that prompted me to do things for myself. Eventually, I learned the definition of certain words, online, passed the driving test at 28 and took responsibility for the housework. I spent a brief while at Praxis Care in Magherafelt; until my Gran passed away six years ago. Now, I'm finally clearing away the wreckage of Gran's fear of financial authorities.

    My Dad was killed in the Troubles in 1989, I was 10; my brother only six-months-old. I hated my brother's guts, growing up, but he eventually became my greatest Teacher. Our Granddad was a successful dairy farmer; and the family estate sold, last year. Now, I have to make my finances last FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!

    Every day is a Schoolday; but without the Bullying, and Narcissism from the Staff.

  • in reply to Mariusz

    Hi,

    I have worked on my CV with a local employment agency who has also helped me apply for jobs, write cover letters, etc and I can't get a job at a supermarket, cafe, etc. Last time I had an interview for a job I was told that because of my degree I would either find the job boring or doesn't pay enough. Why are they telling me how I will feel? I am the one who applied!

  • Hi

    Jobmarket is an unwelcome place for an autistic. Any jobs I can get are those without qualifications or interview, so i work in a supermarket to pay my bills. You get used to. If you work harder than others you can get a deal where you do not have to sit on a till.

    you need to stop being bothered with the world. Just live your life, do what you want. Moneyof course is an issue but I work 30h per week and get some money from UC and that's enough