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I want to find a girlfriend but I don't know how

Cary Grant

Hi

I was wondering how people go about getting a girlfriend?  I have AS but I have managed to take on the persona of Cary Grant.  And I have perfected it to the point where people find it hard to believe I have Aspergers.  Which is a nice complement in a way, but they don’t see the pain and anxiety I go through when approaching people and speaking to them on the phone or in person.

I have tried going on Datingdirect but its harder when you are Asian and have no idea of how to speak to women.  I took the drastic step of going to a prostitute and it has made me more confident and comfortable with physical affection. 

I really don’t know how I come across, people at work think I am gay because of the way I float in and able to engage people by being non-threatening but I don’t see it.  All I see is someone who is an ugly failure because he can’t find a relationship.  And I am tired of people asking me in disbelief why am I still single; someone I know said I was goodlooking but I am not sure she was joking or actually meant it.  I can’t bring myself to admit I have Asperger’s and resign myself to the fact that people with this affliction have twice as much trouble meeting someone and more often than not remain single because they give up on it.

And I wish I could give up on it too.  I asked my Doctor to increase my medication because its causing me to be unhappy, also it decimates my libido as well (which is a nice side effect).  I wish I could take a pill that completely removes my desire to be with someone and for intimacy. 

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Parents

  • I think my levels of eye contact are pretty good.  Although you are right when nerves strike its harder for me to keep my eyes on people.  Also I have a habit of looking at peoples’ mouth instead of their eyes when they talk.   But I have got to the point where I can look at people but I am not sure if I am concentrating on their eyes.  Maybe that’s the next step?  I have this Mnemonic for courtship. E.S.P.P.T.T.

    Eye Contact (preferably she looks away and then looks at you again)

    Smile (obvious, see if they smile back)

    Preening (see if they are doing things like licking their lips, playing with their hair, smoothing down their clothes)

    Positioning (let them get a good look at you, making sure you’re in full view)

    Talk (clichés like “Haven’t I seen you somewhere before?” )

    Touch (see if they try to touch you ‘accidentally’ and you have to welcome it by smiling and touching them back)

    Yes you are right NTs also have difficulty with initiating contact too, which is some comfort.  That’s why I want to learn the ins and outs of body language.  So I won’t be shot down so quickly and to give me an advantage (and to make up for my defects).  I too am good with acquaintances but I don’t think I have any deep relationships/friendships.  I find it hard to talk about that stuff, also self preservation to not talk about anything too personal or stuff that makes me look vulnerable.

    What do you mean by ‘the old way of doing things’?  Do you mean going in a bar?  Or do you think internet dating is the way to go for Aspies?

    LOL.  I have got this mug my friends bought me that says “the office B***h”, it was meant to be ironic because I am so friendly and non-threatening.  I think the word that keeps coming up when people describe me is ‘lovely’ but I am not sure what they mean by that.  Maybe I should play on that and use it to my advantage?  And I find that women want to mother me too.  Do you find that too? 

    Aikido is probably not the way to go for meeting women but I thought it might be good for confidence within myself.  I am terrified with conflict (like all Aspies) but I thought this might equip me to be better at it.  And it helped with my confidence.  Also it will make me seem more interesting than someone who reads popular science books and goes on the NASA website daily!.

    I decided to bite the bullet and go speeddating tonight.  Its £10 a ticket so I thought why not?  And I think the more I do it the better I will be at it.  Maybe if I do it a few times I can draw a conclusion to see if its really for me or not.

Reply

  • I think my levels of eye contact are pretty good.  Although you are right when nerves strike its harder for me to keep my eyes on people.  Also I have a habit of looking at peoples’ mouth instead of their eyes when they talk.   But I have got to the point where I can look at people but I am not sure if I am concentrating on their eyes.  Maybe that’s the next step?  I have this Mnemonic for courtship. E.S.P.P.T.T.

    Eye Contact (preferably she looks away and then looks at you again)

    Smile (obvious, see if they smile back)

    Preening (see if they are doing things like licking their lips, playing with their hair, smoothing down their clothes)

    Positioning (let them get a good look at you, making sure you’re in full view)

    Talk (clichés like “Haven’t I seen you somewhere before?” )

    Touch (see if they try to touch you ‘accidentally’ and you have to welcome it by smiling and touching them back)

    Yes you are right NTs also have difficulty with initiating contact too, which is some comfort.  That’s why I want to learn the ins and outs of body language.  So I won’t be shot down so quickly and to give me an advantage (and to make up for my defects).  I too am good with acquaintances but I don’t think I have any deep relationships/friendships.  I find it hard to talk about that stuff, also self preservation to not talk about anything too personal or stuff that makes me look vulnerable.

    What do you mean by ‘the old way of doing things’?  Do you mean going in a bar?  Or do you think internet dating is the way to go for Aspies?

    LOL.  I have got this mug my friends bought me that says “the office B***h”, it was meant to be ironic because I am so friendly and non-threatening.  I think the word that keeps coming up when people describe me is ‘lovely’ but I am not sure what they mean by that.  Maybe I should play on that and use it to my advantage?  And I find that women want to mother me too.  Do you find that too? 

    Aikido is probably not the way to go for meeting women but I thought it might be good for confidence within myself.  I am terrified with conflict (like all Aspies) but I thought this might equip me to be better at it.  And it helped with my confidence.  Also it will make me seem more interesting than someone who reads popular science books and goes on the NASA website daily!.

    I decided to bite the bullet and go speeddating tonight.  Its £10 a ticket so I thought why not?  And I think the more I do it the better I will be at it.  Maybe if I do it a few times I can draw a conclusion to see if its really for me or not.

Children
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