I want to find a girlfriend but I don't know how

I was wondering how people go about getting a girlfriend? I have AS but I have managed to take on the persona of Cary Grant. And I have perfected it to the point where people find it hard to believe I have Aspergers. Which is a nice complement in a way, but they don’t see the pain and anxiety I go through when approaching people and speaking to them on the phone or in person.

I have tried going on Datingdirect but its harder when you are Asian and have no idea of how to speak to women. I took the drastic step of going to a prostitute and it has made me more confident and comfortable with physical affection.

I really don’t know how I come across, people at work think I am gay because of the way I float in and able to engage people by being non-threatening but I don’t see it. All I see is someone who is an ugly failure because he can’t find a relationship. And I am tired of people asking me in disbelief why am I still single; someone I know said I was goodlooking but I am not sure she was joking or actually meant it. I can’t bring myself to admit I have Asperger’s and resign myself to the fact that people with this affliction have twice as much trouble meeting someone and more often than not remain single because they give up on it.

And I wish I could give up on it too. I asked my Doctor to increase my medication because its causing me to be unhappy, also it decimates my libido as well (which is a nice side effect). I wish I could take a pill that completely removes my desire to be with someone and for intimacy.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Parents

longman over 12 years ago

The eye contact element is crucial in making close connections, including the romantic sort. NTs look for prolonged eye to eye contact for reassurance that there are good vibes to a potential relationship (so I'm told anyway - I really haven't a clue - as I cannot do it properly).
You can fake eye contact for low intensity social interchange, you seem to need to be doing it right for forming relationships. How to explain that I do not know.
Also the old ways of doing things might actually work - but that may prove an error if things break down later. I've known people who aren't good at dating relying on things like - no kissing until the third date. That creates the impression of a gentleman wooing a lady - not sure how well it works.
What I do know is that NTs seem bad at making the first move. I'm not at all shy and can talk to anyone - atleast for about 60 seconds before it dawns on them I'm also a nerd. That meant I could make introductions for others - you know what I mean - the "my friend fancies you" chat up lines. I couldn't help myself. But I could be useful to "friends" who allowed me to "hang out with them" if I worked my passage.
Being "safe" is something people with aspergers can probably do well. In social situations the 'straight man' - good old reliable Clark Kent - is probably a good ploy. I would avoid trying to be Mr Spock or Data though - doesn't go down well with NTs.
Does martial arts bring you in contact with the opposite sex? If it does persist at it. If it doesn't there's a danger it wont provide interesting enough social chat.

Reply

longman over 12 years ago

The eye contact element is crucial in making close connections, including the romantic sort. NTs look for prolonged eye to eye contact for reassurance that there are good vibes to a potential relationship (so I'm told anyway - I really haven't a clue - as I cannot do it properly).
You can fake eye contact for low intensity social interchange, you seem to need to be doing it right for forming relationships. How to explain that I do not know.
Also the old ways of doing things might actually work - but that may prove an error if things break down later. I've known people who aren't good at dating relying on things like - no kissing until the third date. That creates the impression of a gentleman wooing a lady - not sure how well it works.
What I do know is that NTs seem bad at making the first move. I'm not at all shy and can talk to anyone - atleast for about 60 seconds before it dawns on them I'm also a nerd. That meant I could make introductions for others - you know what I mean - the "my friend fancies you" chat up lines. I couldn't help myself. But I could be useful to "friends" who allowed me to "hang out with them" if I worked my passage.
Being "safe" is something people with aspergers can probably do well. In social situations the 'straight man' - good old reliable Clark Kent - is probably a good ploy. I would avoid trying to be Mr Spock or Data though - doesn't go down well with NTs.
Does martial arts bring you in contact with the opposite sex? If it does persist at it. If it doesn't there's a danger it wont provide interesting enough social chat.

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