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I want to find a girlfriend but I don't know how

Cary Grant

Hi

I was wondering how people go about getting a girlfriend?  I have AS but I have managed to take on the persona of Cary Grant.  And I have perfected it to the point where people find it hard to believe I have Aspergers.  Which is a nice complement in a way, but they don’t see the pain and anxiety I go through when approaching people and speaking to them on the phone or in person.

I have tried going on Datingdirect but its harder when you are Asian and have no idea of how to speak to women.  I took the drastic step of going to a prostitute and it has made me more confident and comfortable with physical affection. 

I really don’t know how I come across, people at work think I am gay because of the way I float in and able to engage people by being non-threatening but I don’t see it.  All I see is someone who is an ugly failure because he can’t find a relationship.  And I am tired of people asking me in disbelief why am I still single; someone I know said I was goodlooking but I am not sure she was joking or actually meant it.  I can’t bring myself to admit I have Asperger’s and resign myself to the fact that people with this affliction have twice as much trouble meeting someone and more often than not remain single because they give up on it.

And I wish I could give up on it too.  I asked my Doctor to increase my medication because its causing me to be unhappy, also it decimates my libido as well (which is a nice side effect).  I wish I could take a pill that completely removes my desire to be with someone and for intimacy. 

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Parents

  • I think you're right about the alcohol. I'm not a very good drinker and when I do drink it lowers my inhibitions but I cant pick up social cue's so well (I've been reading books about body language). And it's making le put on weight too. So perhaps alcohol its not the best solution.

    I don't know how much eye contact is too much though. I am getting better.  I wish I could organise a group therapy thing Birmingham where people with AS could practice social skills and become better with eye contact and conversational styles.

    I would like to learn a martial art like Aikido. Would that help.  Also the body confidence it would give me would be immense. I did try it about 6 years ago for about 5 classes and it made me feel tough (silly) I know. Maybe that's the way to go? I can explain to the tutor that I have AS and they might need to be a bit patient with me.

    I do go to therapy and that has helped me (I have an amazing therapist who I don't think I can live without) but I look at NTs and think "I'm still so far behind them". One or my friend said to me I make my AS a bigger deal than I do and most people can't see it.

    But I've never had a girlfriend though. I am not really good at the bar scene.  I mean I am functional, I can get by and not make a nuisance of myself and say hello to people but approaching random people sounds sooooo scary. 

    I've always thought that my mind was my only asset.  If I could figure it out in my mind it would all be okay.  If I could just learn enough about something it would be ok. 

Reply

  • I think you're right about the alcohol. I'm not a very good drinker and when I do drink it lowers my inhibitions but I cant pick up social cue's so well (I've been reading books about body language). And it's making le put on weight too. So perhaps alcohol its not the best solution.

    I don't know how much eye contact is too much though. I am getting better.  I wish I could organise a group therapy thing Birmingham where people with AS could practice social skills and become better with eye contact and conversational styles.

    I would like to learn a martial art like Aikido. Would that help.  Also the body confidence it would give me would be immense. I did try it about 6 years ago for about 5 classes and it made me feel tough (silly) I know. Maybe that's the way to go? I can explain to the tutor that I have AS and they might need to be a bit patient with me.

    I do go to therapy and that has helped me (I have an amazing therapist who I don't think I can live without) but I look at NTs and think "I'm still so far behind them". One or my friend said to me I make my AS a bigger deal than I do and most people can't see it.

    But I've never had a girlfriend though. I am not really good at the bar scene.  I mean I am functional, I can get by and not make a nuisance of myself and say hello to people but approaching random people sounds sooooo scary. 

    I've always thought that my mind was my only asset.  If I could figure it out in my mind it would all be okay.  If I could just learn enough about something it would be ok. 

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