I want to find a girlfriend but I don't know how

I was wondering how people go about getting a girlfriend? I have AS but I have managed to take on the persona of Cary Grant. And I have perfected it to the point where people find it hard to believe I have Aspergers. Which is a nice complement in a way, but they don’t see the pain and anxiety I go through when approaching people and speaking to them on the phone or in person.

I have tried going on Datingdirect but its harder when you are Asian and have no idea of how to speak to women. I took the drastic step of going to a prostitute and it has made me more confident and comfortable with physical affection.

I really don’t know how I come across, people at work think I am gay because of the way I float in and able to engage people by being non-threatening but I don’t see it. All I see is someone who is an ugly failure because he can’t find a relationship. And I am tired of people asking me in disbelief why am I still single; someone I know said I was goodlooking but I am not sure she was joking or actually meant it. I can’t bring myself to admit I have Asperger’s and resign myself to the fact that people with this affliction have twice as much trouble meeting someone and more often than not remain single because they give up on it.

And I wish I could give up on it too. I asked my Doctor to increase my medication because its causing me to be unhappy, also it decimates my libido as well (which is a nice side effect). I wish I could take a pill that completely removes my desire to be with someone and for intimacy.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Parents

longman over 12 years ago

I would advise against alcohol as a solution, because it doesn't really overcome the social constraints imposed by having aspergers, and may not make much difference. That it works for NTs is primarily because alcohol lowers inhibitions, so makes getting intimate easier. With aspergers poor eye contact, sensory issues, and following the thread of conversation are not going to improve with alcohol.
Besides which, it appears a lot of people on the spectrum end up as alcoholics. Simply because you have to drink more and more even to feel like your inhibitions are going. It may actually be advantageous to remain sober (drink low or non-alcoholic beverages) and socialise with people who are not too drunk that you make false friends of them.
The other thing is self-confidence and self esteem. These are going to get worse the more refusals, bad reactions, empty encounters and false trails you get.
You need to have a strategy to offset the knocks that come from trying to make headway with relationships. So you need to be good at a sport or a recreational activity or just a special interest that gives you good vibes, so you can trade on less rewarding returns from trying to make social connections. That way you can avoid getting too down.
The problem with interests is they often don't trade well in the social scene. Sadly I was too clumsy to make headway in sports, and sport seems to be a good one for making friends anyway. I had too many non-shareable pursuits.
Can you broaden your special interests? This is important as it will make you more flexible in social situations. Try to develop interests that have a trade-off between not being quite in your comfort zone but more likely to win friends (or be useable in the workplace). What could you put up with that's less than ideal as an interest but gets you out more (or improves your work prospects)?
This broadens what you can talk about socially. It also broadens you ability to cope with social situations you would otherwise be uncomfortable with. I know some people argue you shouldn't have to with AS, but to get on on the world you have to develop a broader range of compromise.
Also take comfort that you are not alone - in the sense this isnt just an asperger problem. There are NTs with acute shyness, or who lack confidence for other reasons. It is amazing how many people (most of whom are probably NTs) cannot initiate a conversation with someone else. They will rely on very mixed success with eye contact, or chat up lines, the social cigarette/lighting up (I never smoked but for a long time carried a lighter or a book of matches as a social bridge), as well as coded clothing - whatever gets you identified with the people you want to meet (curious how many people with AS try to dress in keeping with goths).
The other thing is going around with someone who is successful. That's a mixed experience, as your if friend "gets off" a lot and you don't, that's not going to help self esteem. But successful people socially are often quite lonely, and might accept going around with an "anchor man", someone to hang out with when nothing is doing, but who isn't "competition". That way you get to mix more and meet more people, and pick up social skills. That could also be a "girl friend" who isn't interested in you but likes having a non-involved male with her.
What is always worse is starting on your own. It is so easy to end up sitting alone, with that inevitable part AS part low self esteem look of "don't come near me unless you're desperate" that I went about with for years.

Reply

longman over 12 years ago

I would advise against alcohol as a solution, because it doesn't really overcome the social constraints imposed by having aspergers, and may not make much difference. That it works for NTs is primarily because alcohol lowers inhibitions, so makes getting intimate easier. With aspergers poor eye contact, sensory issues, and following the thread of conversation are not going to improve with alcohol.
Besides which, it appears a lot of people on the spectrum end up as alcoholics. Simply because you have to drink more and more even to feel like your inhibitions are going. It may actually be advantageous to remain sober (drink low or non-alcoholic beverages) and socialise with people who are not too drunk that you make false friends of them.
The other thing is self-confidence and self esteem. These are going to get worse the more refusals, bad reactions, empty encounters and false trails you get.
You need to have a strategy to offset the knocks that come from trying to make headway with relationships. So you need to be good at a sport or a recreational activity or just a special interest that gives you good vibes, so you can trade on less rewarding returns from trying to make social connections. That way you can avoid getting too down.
The problem with interests is they often don't trade well in the social scene. Sadly I was too clumsy to make headway in sports, and sport seems to be a good one for making friends anyway. I had too many non-shareable pursuits.
Can you broaden your special interests? This is important as it will make you more flexible in social situations. Try to develop interests that have a trade-off between not being quite in your comfort zone but more likely to win friends (or be useable in the workplace). What could you put up with that's less than ideal as an interest but gets you out more (or improves your work prospects)?
This broadens what you can talk about socially. It also broadens you ability to cope with social situations you would otherwise be uncomfortable with. I know some people argue you shouldn't have to with AS, but to get on on the world you have to develop a broader range of compromise.
Also take comfort that you are not alone - in the sense this isnt just an asperger problem. There are NTs with acute shyness, or who lack confidence for other reasons. It is amazing how many people (most of whom are probably NTs) cannot initiate a conversation with someone else. They will rely on very mixed success with eye contact, or chat up lines, the social cigarette/lighting up (I never smoked but for a long time carried a lighter or a book of matches as a social bridge), as well as coded clothing - whatever gets you identified with the people you want to meet (curious how many people with AS try to dress in keeping with goths).
The other thing is going around with someone who is successful. That's a mixed experience, as your if friend "gets off" a lot and you don't, that's not going to help self esteem. But successful people socially are often quite lonely, and might accept going around with an "anchor man", someone to hang out with when nothing is doing, but who isn't "competition". That way you get to mix more and meet more people, and pick up social skills. That could also be a "girl friend" who isn't interested in you but likes having a non-involved male with her.
What is always worse is starting on your own. It is so easy to end up sitting alone, with that inevitable part AS part low self esteem look of "don't come near me unless you're desperate" that I went about with for years.

Children

No Data