Hello,
I was recently diagnosed a month ago with autism, I'm 21 years old. It feels that my life has become a uncontrollable mess that I have no control or direction in.
3 years ago (well before my diagnosis), I attended university for the first time, the first few weeks of moving into university accommodation was one of the worst feelings I've had in years. This feeling that I was trapped by this decision I had made and both the time and financial commitment I had chosen. I was terrified to leave my room in fear of having to talk to the flatmates I was now living with, the feeling that I was never going to see my mother again despite only living 1.5h away emotionally overwhelmed me so much that I wouldn't stop crying, and anytime I would have to leave my room (such as to eat or attend lectures) I would refuse to interact with anyone. After 6 months, I chose to leave university as I never grew to like my flatmates, anyone on my course, and disliked the course itself.
I then spent the next 2 years (march of 2020 - September 2022) occasionally applying for jobs and playing video games, slowly losing contact with all of my friends as I am so scared? opposed? to the idea of messaging people first as I hate the idea of coming across as a burden(excluding the friends who I speak to online and play video games with, who I have met up with a few times due to distance). This again gave me the feeling that my life was to go nowhere, as I was/am so stubborn in applying for jobs I would only apply for ones I felt "worthy" of my time, and the very few that interviewed me would never go beyond the interview stage (which is probably a effect of my, at the time, lack of diagnosis) except for one, which I will briefly talk about. I was hired as a order packer for a warehouse, my job was to simply but the ordered item/s in a box, tape it up and add it to a pile. I couldn't manage to fit 3 particular items in a box and got so overwhelmed at the idea of being watched and judged by everyone that i broke down into tears, this combination, drifting apart from friends I was once very close with and never being able to find a job excluding one in which I broke down crying after 30 minutes once again gave me that feeling that my life was to go nowhere. (If i couldn't complete a simple job and maintain friends, then what?)
After these two years I decided that I would go back to university, as all the jobs I would do required a university education. I am typing this from my accommodation, once again with the overwhelming feeling that I've made a horrible mistake with the commitment I've made, and the fear of "if this doesn't work out then what do I do?"
I was wondering if anyone had any advice for me or any similar feelings people have had.
