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Can't shake the feeling that my life has no direction and is a dead end

Saladdays

Hello,

I was recently diagnosed a month ago with autism, I'm 21 years old. It feels that my life has become a uncontrollable mess that I have no control or direction in.

3 years ago (well before my diagnosis), I attended university for the first time, the first few weeks of moving into university accommodation was one of the worst feelings I've had in years. This feeling that I was trapped by this decision I had made and both the time and financial commitment I had chosen. I was terrified to leave my room in fear of having to talk to the flatmates I was now living with, the feeling that I was never going to see my mother again despite only living 1.5h away emotionally overwhelmed me so much that I wouldn't stop crying, and anytime I would have to leave my room (such as to eat or attend lectures) I would refuse to interact with anyone. After 6 months, I chose to leave university as I never grew to like my flatmates, anyone on my course, and disliked the course itself.

I then spent the next 2 years (march of 2020 - September 2022) occasionally applying for jobs and playing video games, slowly losing contact with all of my friends as I am so scared? opposed? to the idea of messaging people first as I hate the idea of coming across as a burden(excluding the friends who I speak to online and play video games with, who I have met up with a few times due to distance). This again gave me the feeling that my life was to go nowhere, as I was/am so stubborn in applying for jobs I would only apply for ones I felt "worthy" of my time, and the very few that interviewed me would never go beyond the interview stage (which is probably a effect of my, at the time, lack of diagnosis) except for one, which I will briefly talk about. I was hired as a order packer for a warehouse, my job was to simply but the ordered item/s in a box, tape it up and add it to a pile. I couldn't manage to fit 3 particular items in a box and got so overwhelmed at the idea of being watched and judged by everyone that i broke down into tears, this combination, drifting apart from friends I was once very close with and never being able to find a job excluding one in which I broke down crying after 30 minutes once again gave me that feeling that my life was to go nowhere. (If i couldn't complete a simple job and maintain friends, then what?)

After these two years I decided that I would go back to university, as all the jobs I would do required a university education. I am typing this from my accommodation, once again with the overwhelming feeling that I've made a horrible mistake with the commitment I've made, and the fear of "if this doesn't work out then what do I do?"

I was wondering if anyone had any advice for me or any similar feelings people have had.

  • in reply to JuniperFromGallifrey

    Another fab post, Juniper.  Thank you.  Great to have you in this community. 

  • Making a decision is difficult. But sticking through it, committing to it no matter what can be even more difficult. Because there is no pay off in the moment. 

    It sound to me like you've spent time really thinking about this and have made the Right Choice. Now you'll simply need to show up to class, commit to gifting your future self that future, by doing what's needed to get there.

    I can honestly promise you that there will be plenty of time in life to make friends, to build a career, to live large and to feel like you've found your purpose. But in order to have these moments where we realise we're living that life we worked hard for, we have to put one foot in front of the other, doing the bit that's in front of us. Stay the course. It may be emotionally difficult, but focus on the things which you know will pay off, and you'll thank yourself some day. 

    I've been there. I both left things which were too overwhelming and cried through things I needed to do while doing them to completion. I believe no matter what path I chose I would've been in the same place I am now.  

    Emotions come and go, but like building a muscle or a discipline or climbing a mountain, we just have to do it and we will be better for it. And that can mean waking up, brushing teeth, eating something, going to class, going to the library, eating something else, texting your mum and going to bed. Wake up, repeat. Squeeze everything you can out of education. Make it luxurious. It will enhance your life, regardless. Education was once only for the wealthy. And SOME thing always comes from it. It may not play out as planned, but usually what comes from steadfast, focused intent and commitment is better than expected. 

  • I know what you are going through.  Im not sure I can provide you with a solution in one text.  I am with you in spirit. I wonder if we need 12 step fellowship meetings for Autism using the steps in the way AA works.  We need to share experience strength and hope with each other using the twelve steps. 
    There is a solution but texts on this platform are best used to direct us to a deeper solution.