University starts tomorrow and words cannot begin to describe how absolutely awful I feel.
My parents stuck me in a degree that was made up of all my least favourite topics in school + is so overstimulating and involves a lot of interacting with people. My course was one of the few that couldn't go online during the pandemic because of how much face to face interaction is needed. It's also too fast paced for me and I 1000% hate it. I wasn't allowed to pursue my special interests at a university level. I would've loved computer science.
I've told my parents for years that my degree absolutely destroys my mental health to the point I was having daily horrible and physically dangerous meltdowns before class, was actively thinking of leaving this planet, and I became so depressed that my physical appearance changed - I looked like a zombie and I never smiled again for years. Academics used to be my safe place from everything else, but in university I no longer had a safe place because I didn't like my academics - I didn't like my degree. I was still lonely, bullied in uni even and I wasn't bullied in high school just alone. The lecturers were also very cold.
I became physically ill and had to take a year out from uni which was healing. I suspect all the stress and trauma got to me and started to manifest as physical symptoms.
I told my parents all of this many times throughout uni, they even pointed out that I looked near death and they just did not care. They didn't care at all. They wouldn't allow me to change degrees. They were so horrible to me whenever my grades dropped because I don't like this course a single bit. They were 0% empathetic towards me about any of this. My dad's out of the picture now because he was arrested for domestic violence but he still makes fun of me with my grandmother.
I feel trapped because if I dropped out or switched degrees I would be punished then kicked out of the house and I currently don't have anywhere to go. Now that I'm well enough I have to go back and do final year all over again. I don't want to go back to uni tomorrow. I don't. I looked at my time-table and felt physically sick and so scared I started crying. This sensation was all too familiar. I'm not looking forward to going back to crying everyday and feeling so miserable and anxious that my body hurts.
I never really expected my family to be supportive because they've been this way my whole life. They've never cared about me, my safety, or my health or emotional well-being. It would actually have been way more surprising if they listened to my begging and pleading for help or mercy. It's actually completely unsurprising that after a lifetime of abuse and control they've stuck me in a career that's destroying me and an environment I find terrifying and laughing at me for it. I'm alone in this. Still, I find it kind of scary that they can look at me suffering and just not care at all.
I don't know what to do.
I'm going to work part time so that I can save up to live far away from my family. Then I would be able to switch to a degree I actually like instead of one I find traumatic. But it'll take a little while. I really wish I didn't have to go in tomorrow.
