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University blues

Bebe

University starts tomorrow and words cannot begin to describe how absolutely awful I feel.

My parents stuck me in a degree that was made up of all my least favourite topics in school + is so overstimulating and involves a lot of interacting with people. My course was one of the few that couldn't go online during the pandemic because of how much face to face interaction is needed. It's also too fast paced for me and I 1000% hate it. I wasn't allowed to pursue my special interests at a university level. I would've loved computer science.

I've told my parents for years that my degree absolutely destroys my mental health to the point I was having daily horrible and physically dangerous meltdowns before class, was actively thinking of leaving this planet, and I became so depressed that my physical appearance changed - I looked like a zombie and I never smiled again for years. Academics used to be my safe place from everything else, but in university I no longer had a safe place because I didn't like my academics - I didn't like my degree. I was still lonely, bullied in uni even and I wasn't bullied in high school just alone. The lecturers were also very cold.

I became physically ill and had to take a year out from uni which was healing. I suspect all the stress and trauma got to me and started to manifest as physical symptoms.

I told my parents all of this many times throughout uni, they even pointed out that I looked near death and they just did not care. They didn't care at all. They wouldn't allow me to change degrees. They were so horrible to me whenever my grades dropped because I don't like this course a single bit. They were 0% empathetic towards me about any of this. My dad's out of the picture now because he was arrested for domestic violence but he still makes fun of me with my grandmother.

I feel trapped because if I dropped out or switched degrees I would be punished then kicked out of the house and I currently don't have anywhere to go. Now that I'm well enough I have to go back and do final year all over again. I don't want to go back to uni tomorrow. I don't. I looked at my time-table and felt physically sick and so scared I started crying. This sensation was all too familiar. I'm not looking forward to going back to crying everyday and feeling so miserable and anxious that my body hurts.

I never really expected my family to be supportive because they've been this way my whole life. They've never cared about me, my safety, or my health or emotional well-being. It would actually have been way more surprising if they listened to my begging and pleading for help or mercy. It's actually completely unsurprising that after a lifetime of abuse and control they've stuck me in a career that's destroying me and an environment I find terrifying and laughing at me for it. I'm alone in this. Still, I find it kind of scary that they can look at me suffering and just not care at all.

I don't know what to do.

I'm going to work part time so that I can save up to live far away from my family. Then I would be able to switch to a degree I actually like instead of one I find traumatic. But it'll take a little while. I really wish I didn't have to go in tomorrow.

  • in reply to Ann :)

    Thanks so much your kind words, support and advice means a lot to me. I'll speak to my university and find out about financial support, it would really help as well. There's my academic advisor, he's quite nice. I'll try speaking to him about it. Thank you for your empathy it made me feel really good. I'm sure once I speak to my advisor he'd help me out of this situation. Once again, thanks for your advice

  • in reply to MartinW

    Thank you for your advice, empathy and kind words. I'm sorry you also found university really hard. I thought it would be the best place to make friends while I was still in high school but it turned out to be the loneliest place with surprisingly people that are less tolerant of differences. Thanks so much, it's a good idea to start to take my life into my own hands instead of waiting for permission from my parents to do so. It would make me really happy and a lot more relaxed to switch to a degree that I actually like and chose. Thank you, I'll speak to my academic advisor and get my course changed :)

  • Sorry to hear that. I found university the hardest time of my life, from a social perspective. 

    My advice would be to try and figure out whatever it is that leaves you thinking that the choice of what degree you do is down to your parents. It isn't their choice, it is yours. If you want to change courses, you can change courses.

    Of course I realise that it may be that there are financial, or other pressures, which is leaving you in a course that they have chosen, not you. 

    My advice would probably be to tell your parents that you are changing courses. Without having met them, they may feel some sense of disappointment, but at some point they need to support you in following what you want to do (or at least stop blocking that).

    Hope it all works out for you.

  • in reply to matty6

    Thank that was so incredible to read. It was so nice to hear from someone that can relate and totally gets it. Yes, the uni environment is so overstimulating and when you don't have a passion for the course its so hard to concentrate and get anything done without feeling completely burnt out. It's amazing it was better the second time round and it was amazing you got a first in computer science. Those are such wise words that I needed to hear that nobody else seems to really understand, when it's our special interest we get to pursue it can basically be the love of our lives but when the course that's not our special interest we can never do as well as we're actually capable of doing. Honestly thanks so much I needed to read this today. I'm going to speak to my academic advisor about changing course and I'll speak to them as well about disability support

  • in reply to JuniperFromGallifrey

    Thank you so much for your empathy and understanding and support. I'll speak to my academic advisor today and let him know, and thanks for the reassurance. It would be really awesome to switch degree, especially without my family knowing

  • in reply to Luftmentsch

    thanks so much for your advice support and empathy. I'll contact disability or mental health support and my GP and see what they advise. thank you

  • I can totally relate.  Not so much with the family situation but the Uni experience.  It was so off the scale overwhelming.  Are you still living with family ? What course are you doing and why were your fam so insistent on you not following your dream ? Aside from the obvious horror of crowds, noise, bad lighting and the strange Uni smell, if you are anything like me, learning something you have no real (and I mean REAL) interest in is not going to end well. My head exploded after two terms, roughly about the same time as my friend was burning all his belongings in the park! Anyway enough about Sheffield ;)  Uni's these days are much better at helping struggling students.  I know because I went back (not to Sheffield, thank god) as a mature student doing the course I wanted to do and got a first... in computer science :) Would extra support have helped me the first time round ? No.  Because a course that's 'similar' to my special interest isn't interesting enough for me to succeed :)  Eek waffle

  • in reply to JuniperFromGallifrey

    Yes I think this is very good advice. Most university have a confidential advice service that you can reach out to and they will hopefully be able to help (I know my university did. My university actually also had funds to help people out financially.) Also do you have a tutor or someone else from your university that you can turn to and ask for advice? I really hope you can sort something out. I'm so sorry you have to struggle with this. It's hard enough in life when you are pursuing a goal that you believe in and do something you love. I hope you can figure out a way forward. You are very strong for getting this far. Sending you lots of strength. I hope you can get some advice and support and can figure out a way out of this situation. 

  • Is there an advisor at your school you can speak with? I would hunt someone down and not take no for an answer. A degree in computer science would potentially make more than enough to pay back a large enough school loan and then some! A loan would help you move out, focus on what you can become specialised in and be able to make your own decisions about life, which it sounds like you may need to. An advisor may know who needs a last minute flat mate or a job or anything else which will help you succeed. A school is only as good as the students it produces, it's in their best interest to help you succeed. 

    Now there could be a way to still get this degree after. All is never lost. But... 

    Another thought is to track down lectures and professors who teach in this department. Ask them if you can book time with them to speak about the course and help changing a path without telling anyone. If you're quite clever at this, someone will want to champion you and help you figure out how to make this happen. 

  • I am also sorry that you're in this situation. I agree with what Mimi suggested. I'm also concerned for your safety, given that what you describe sounds like abuse or coercive control. The university disability/mental health support or your GP might be able to direct you to appropriate resources/support for that too.

  • I'm so sorry you're feeling so trapped by all this. I know how hard the university experience can be. I remember the dread at having to go to lectures etc. I dropped out of a degree in a subject I was interested in because it was just not a suitable environment for me and made me ill. 

    I think the first thing I would suggest you do is go and talk to the university about how you are feeling, your situation and what accommodations they might be able to make to help you get through this. If you don't want to speak to your lectures or feel they might not be understanding then you could see if your uni has a disability or mental health advocacy/support available. They'll probably be listed somewhere on the university website and might even have an email address so you don't have to start out dealing with even more people face-to-face. Talk to them and see what they suggest.    

    I also wonder if you could visit your GP and talk to them. See whether they can offer you access to anywhere that could provide you with some guidance or support.  

    I hope you find a way to get some help and support to get you through this.