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Disliking ''How are you?''

Mariusz

It happened in an unexpected way as always, the end of reasoning and final conclusion to ''Why I don't like being asked how I feel'' stopped me on a way to the toilet. Stuck out tongue

I know why now. It does not matter if I'm good or bad at the moment of being asked, and it was leading my reasoning astray, I was wrong to think I don't like it only when I'm not good. The truth is, I would never be allowed to give full answer. It would have been interrupted with one of many reasons, e.g. stop complaining, you're weirdo, and giving half an answer is misleading. I've felt bad after, or worse than before, and I couldn't tell why exactly, or what I feel, but  I identified that feeling at last, as feeling like a liar.

It's funny as most of the time any answer to that question is a lie, and they keep forcing us to do it. So, the answer was right in front of me, congrats Mr Hilary

I begun to practise dodging answering, we'll see how it goes.

  • in reply to Ausomely Autistic

    Just another thought- like other autistic people have said my answers or my intended response  to this question affirm my autistic processing style.

  • I don’t like the phrase ‘how are you?’ too, like other people have said it just seems pointless. It’s a phrase that is usually just empty because neurotypical people sometimes don’t know how to respond if you don’t give the expected answer such as ‘I’m fine or good’.

    I could talk about how I don’t like this phrase for ages because it’s incredibly vague and the majority of the time I don’t actually know how I feel. If I was to answer this question with ‘I don’t know’ the conversation could evolve into something that becomes uncomfortable.

    Also, the reason why this phrase seems pointless for many of us in this autistic community is because we process language differently. According to Rachel Cullen an autistic trainer and advocate, we autistic people process words in a sentence in finer detail. On the other hand, non autistic people process the question as a whole. Cullen calls this the autistic pragmatic language hypothesis. 

    This article and video explains the hypothesis better:

    https://aucademy.co.uk/theories-about-autistic-experience/

    https://youtu.be/qxjTIqrSp-o

  • I worked out a while ago that when people ask how I am they don't usually care or actually want to know. 

    If I do tell them they seem almost annoyed with me for telling them my problems, its like well if you didnt want to know why did you ask? So I give up

  • in reply to Dawn

    Therapists I find usually dont actually listen to your answer, they just go by whatever they expect you to say from the textbooks theyve read

  • Good points, well made.

    I mum slowly died of a wholly paralysing Parkinsonian style disease.  Once she had stopped moving and being able to communicate in any way (many seasons before her actual death) people would regularly ask how my mum was?........and the absolute killer follow-up question......"and how are you feeling?"

    WTAF.  This is one of those things that make me know my brain is wired differently.  I simply cannot compute how a brain, operated by a human, could think these sorts of questions are in ANYWAY meaningful!

  • I usually say “things could be better.” knowing they are going to assume something’s wrong and I get the chance to talk about what we could do to make the world a better place.

  • I usually just reel off the same reply, fine thanks! And I never am. Very occasionally I will say ‘not great’ and enjoy watching the response. Of course that’s when I’m talking in person. In text, IGrimacingm more inclined to say it as it is. They can either respond or not. I don’t care anymore. I’m used to the ‘no response’. I’m struggling particularly right now. I have to go to work shortly, and everGrimacingne will be asking me ‘how are you’ etc. Today they’ll be lucky to get a response. I might even manage a jumbled string of unrelated words. Who knows? GrimacingJoy

  • Therapists do that all the time, then don't listen to the full answer then get the wrong end of the stick a) because they didn't listen to the full answer b) were distracted by what they expect things to mean to an NT without paying proper attention to what they actually mean to us. And that is if they framed their question specifically enough for us to produce a succinct answer in the first place. Often, the question is so open one of two things happens; a) you tell them everything about everything that you feel cos you don't know where to start or b) look like a confused gold fish and say nothing because you don't know where to start.

  • I hate that pointless ritual. If they don't want to know how I am then why ask? I know I'm supposed to say "I'm fine thanks", but I cannot bring myself to say that if it isn't true.

    If I can't dodge the person and the question I usually say "not too bad thanks". I figure that's sort of true. If I was 'too bad' I'd be at home bawling my eyes out and not there, desperately trying to escape.

  • I'm fine!

    Fidgety, Insecure, Neurotic and Edgy!