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(Safegaurding) Religious Misleading my ASD Partner

737maxpilot

Hey guys,

My partner arrived in London for uni three years ago, having arrived a year before her, I helped her adapt to the UK like she was my younger sister. Having gotten known her better, she suffers from ASD and struggles to make friends/make long friendships last. I spent alot of time understanding her, until one day I realised she had developed feelings for me. 

Some clear symptoms are: not understanding humour at all, flapping arms when excited, extremely intelligent, but struggles to understand emotions and subtext. 

She had never felt romantic attraction to anyone before and she consulted a church minister (which was the only person other than me that she felt comfortable to talk to about personal issues). The church minister had many reasons to mislead her, (which are all speculative possibilities with reason), but nonetheless she guilt tripped her into believing that her feelings for God were not as intense as her feelings for me, and demanded her to cut off contact with me (because she was idolising me). Another ruse that was used by the church minister was that her intense feelings (crush) was a symptom of codependency (which they believed I was toxic and manipulative).

I had been patiently supporting my partner from the side so that she could explore how she wanted things. But the confusion that the church gave her made her fluctuate intensely between intense anxiety and feeling safe and attached to me.

This church minister then repeatedly shamed my partner for talking (calling and texting) me everyday, and proceeded to claim that I had manipulated her into having feelings. After an entire year of turmoil, my ASD partner was again tricked into following instructions designed to hurt me.

I then raised the issue to safegaurding, and let the investigating officer know that she was being misled. It backfired really hard, and I was labelled as delusional, imagining things, and telling me my partner was inventing stories. They ultimately they told my partner I had leaked her ASD diagnoses, in which she could not forgive me for. The church then also falsely accused me of having recieved a restraining order before (untrue), but the investigating officer did not bother to verify the claims. 

I later found out that the church minister was expecting a hefty sum of 10% of my partner's Salary as tithe (for the minister personally), and I was in the way of that happening.

Is there any way to safegaurd young ASD adults from misleading and exploitation like such?

  • in reply to Peter

    Looking back they were outright a cult, but quite interesting how they keep the radical thoughts away until someone vulnerable pops along...

  • in reply to JuniperFromGallifrey

    Hey Juniper, you are so right. I dont know if this is an ASD thing, but she does keep her thoughts to herself and only very rarely shares personal things. She really only ever opened up herself to me and that other Church minister, and sometimes that means figuring what is socially acceptable and appropriate is super hard for her. Tho she is super smart, and can catch on and figure things super fast... youtube is her only source of info :(

    Nobody is perfect and we were both growing, supporting and learning together, it was a bit weird to label us as idolising each other. 

  • If you want to take on the church, it's best to know their rules better than they do. 

    However, if your partner is as intelligent as you say, she'll catch on eventually. To some degree, it is unhealthy to idolise anyone. We begin to have expectations they cannot meet, which turn into resentment. Who knows, she may discover that the intensity of impact is one particular facet of what makes Autism unique and that can shift perspective a great deal. 

  • 737maxpilot said:
    I later found out that the church minister was expecting a hefty sum of 10% of my partner's Salary as tithe (for the minister personally), and I was in the way of that happening.

    Churches are almost invariably charities and if a worker at a charity pockets donation for themselves personally or uses their position to solicit personal gifts then it could be a breach of charity law and a matter for the charity commission ... if in fact any of that is provable ... #notlegaladvice.

  • in reply to asparagus

    Wow! Thanks for your answer Asparagus! I'll definitely look into it, sadly its a free and independent church, and addressing abuse is usually going against their interest. They have a society at the uni, but supposedly the staff have nothing to do with the society, so it becomes more difficult...

  • Tricky.   Is this a Church of England Church…. Don’t tell me. But all Church of England Churches has safeguarding officers and a strict policy. You can find this out if you look up the diocese website.   You can find out who the area dene is and contact them asking for help with this situation. If it Roman Catholic they have a similar set up and contact. Diocese are structured different but you would find the equivalent to area dene. They are like area managers in non church terms.   Or you go straight to the Bishop and appeal for them. Churches are hot on stamping out this kind of abuse. I think some of the other forms of church will have websites and someone higher to contact. It harder in some on the free and independent churches though you could try contacting another one as they’re usually like in a business circle with each other. If this minister is at the university campus it be easier as it becomes a university safeguarding issue as they are taking advantage of her beyond their remit. Try the university safeguarding team anyway as they may help you process the case so you not fighting it alone. I hope they will help .

  • in reply to Mariusz

    So trueeee, I was a bit of an idiot, should've been more careful.

  • in reply to 737maxpilot

    We're gullible, and those people are clever and cautious, they don't let anything that would raise suspicions slip, and that is the only way, we need to realise we were fooled and cheated upon enough times to decide we  can't trust that person

  • in reply to Mariusz

    Wow that is nasty, hope she's not losing too much money. 

  • It can be worse. They can turn you into religious fanatic for life, like did with my mom. She is 65y.o. and still listens to all their 'advice' and give them money