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Marriage relationship

Dagey

Hello, I am a 62 year old diagnosed with aspergers. My wife and I are going througha very rough patch. She suffers from Depression, Personality disorder, anxiety as well as physical problems, morbidly obese, arthritis. I have a great difficulty communicationg with her and I also have great diufficulty motivating myself to do anything! She says that she makes all the plans and decisions in the house (which is true). She wants me to step up and take some of the burden from her (as it makes her worse.). She says I am lazy in not trying to change and help. I see what she means but I seem to be unable to put anything into practise for any length of time, as it seems to disappear from my head. How can I keep up a sustained effort? I've tried notebooks, lists but they all fade in the end. She is talking of divorce now, I need someone to talk it over with. So I can come up with a sustainable strategy.

  • Thank you for your answers. In typical fashion I will have to think quietly about them. Dagey.

  • She’s lived with you this long, she should know what you can and can’t do by now, regardless of her problems. Asking you to change and saying that you are lazy is a problem.  Maybe it’s out of frustration, but ultimately it’s not good.

    What things does she want you to plan or decide on? If it’s simple things like meals, make a meal schedule with things you like to eat, and rotate it. Have it visible and build a habit to look at it regularly. 
    Everything is about lists or timetables. Schedule in one thing a day that absolutely needs doing, and do it. Build in other small tasks that need to be done, and add one to each day. If you feel you can manage things, add something else, but alongside that, ensure you build in one thing a day for you. Whether it’s spending time doing a hobby, or going for a walk, whatever. 

    Get your wife to list the things she’s like you help with. Have a look and see what you are comfortable doing, and if there’s anything you don’t think you can do, have a chat about it together. Some help is better than no help.

  • My friends have board which they hang in a very visible place, they draw out a week or two at a time and they put activities and chores on it. We have a family planner calendar hanging in a very prominent place so my husband doesn’t forget where everyone is or if I’m working night shifts so he has to stay at home and not arrange to go out with his friends straight from work…

    Problem for her though is that she will likely need to write these things out herself or at least you will both need to do them together. It is a hard dynamic when one partner has executive dysfunction and you feel like you can’t be telling them every single thing they need to do but that’s just the way the brain works with executive dysfunction.

    Has this all been bubbling away for a long time and becoming more of a problem now she physically can’t do the work herself? Could you get a cleaner once a week or so to help? Robot vacuum cleaner? Tabletop dishwasher? I know these things cost money but the robot vacuum and tabletop dishwasher have saved some of my sanity.

    Have you been diagnosed with Asperger’s for a long time? Maybe you could consider that you may also have ADHD and might need the meds to help you? Her list of mental health issues you have listed are often also labelled on women with missed autism and /or ADHD diagnosis, may also be something for her to consider with the communication issues between you and also if she is on meds for depression and anxiety which aren’t helping her. Obviously though I don’t know either of you so take the last paragraph with a pinch of salt, I could be very wrong but might be something to consider if you both feel like something is still a bit amiss